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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship advice please !!!

40 replies

Progia321 · 10/11/2019 10:25

I’ve been with my partner coming up 5 years he’s recently moved into my home.

I do absolutely everything for this man and I mean everything.

Anyway there has been a few things he keeps saying or doing that is genuinely hurting my feelings. I’m going to give an example of something he said today and would really appreciate some advice please.

Several days ago he asked if when I finish on the toilet would I start leaving the seat up for him so he don’t have to touch it after I have been toilet and sit on it. My response well you sit on it to? He replied well I’ll start weeing with the seat down then and if it goes anywhere it is your
Problem.

This morning I noticed he had got pee all over the seat so I politely asked ‘ could you clean that up please before I go toilet” he replied.... “no way I told you the other day so reap the rewards and get cleaning it up yourself’ I took myself away from the situation and went to the bedroom had a minute to myself and started painting my nails he walked in to see what I was doing and I could hear him mocking me for painting my nails and then he told me to go “F##k” myself because I then wouldn’t help him in the kitchen cos he was shouting at me.

Is it just me or is that a really degrading comment? It has upset me I know it is more than likely stupid of me to feel upset but why should I have to do that ?

That’s just one example I’m just looking on what people think to that. We do genuinely have a really good relationship but I feel his mouth runs away with him sometimes.

OP posts:
Soozikinzii · 10/11/2019 10:28

That seems weird to me about the toilet seat . I don't know what everyone else will say but seems very strange to me and not in a good way .

Gemma1971 · 10/11/2019 10:29

Bloody hell that's just awful. You say it's a good relationship, but a kind man would not behave like this!

Does he have a germ phobia or something? He has sex with you I assume, so what is his problem about leaving the toilet seat up or down?

Is it OCD?

If it's none of those things, then sorry, but he is an utter twat and an initial read makes me think he is trying to find fault with you to exert some kind of control or superiority.

What else does he do that is nasty? Or is it all about the toilet?

ILiveInSalemsLot · 10/11/2019 10:31

I would kick him out. He sounds disgusting.

Time4Change0 · 10/11/2019 10:31

He doesn’t seem like a nice person.

I wouldn’t put up with that from my OH no way whatsoever.

I say you have a proper sit down talk to see what his deal is or get out now!

12345kbm · 10/11/2019 10:42

He's a very angry man OP and the toilet seat incident is him showing you who's boss and treating you with contempt. He weed on it on purpose because he was going to make you clean it up. He's a nasty piece of work and this is going to go downhill from here. Well done for not ignoring it and for getting advice.

JorisBonson · 10/11/2019 10:43

Sounds like a complete arsehole

Original poster
Progia321 · 10/11/2019 10:45

Hey guys I should of added no it’s not any sort of germ phobia or OCD it is something that he has decided randomly. He uses the same toilet at me he always has I honestly believe he is just being picky he used to lift the seat up. And when I say used to this was a few days ago and then Friday he decided that I should start doing it for him.

I knew it wasn’t right and I needed confirmation that I’m not being stupid so thank you to all of use xx

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 10/11/2019 10:49

Does he also do everything for you? Or anything at all?
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds awful.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 10/11/2019 10:51

It’s not about whether the seat is up or down. It’s his disgusting attitude, the way he talks to you and that you’re meant to clean up his piss. Vile.

CTRL · 10/11/2019 10:54

His out of order but I feel like after 5 years together, surely this isn’t the first time his behaviour has been like this ?

Why did you move him into your home ?

How taking the piss - literally!

Tell him to clean the toilet and set some ground rules for living together. If he doesn’t want to follow them then he can move out.

0SometimesIWonder · 10/11/2019 10:55

Doesn't he wash his hands after using the toilet ?
Nomal people would lift the seat, do the necessary, and wash hands.
Any bacteria on the seat and penis will be washed away. Problem solved.
He's either a nasty, aggressive controller or stupid.

Gemma1971 · 10/11/2019 10:57

OP, what else is he saying and doing to hurt you?

Abusive people can be extremely clever at wearing a mask until they KNOW they have you. It is possible that he hid his true nature until you moved him into your home.

Of course there may have been red flags in his behaviour, but you probably excused them.

theboxfamilytree · 10/11/2019 11:00

Why aren't you concerned about him telling you to go fuck yourself? Are you ok with that?

I do absolutely everything for this man and I mean everything.

What does this mean?

CantstopsayingFFS · 10/11/2019 11:02

You emphasise you do everything for this man, moves into YOUR home and he tells you to go fuck yourself because you won't clean his piss? And you say you otherwise have a good relationship? Give me an example of what you consider is good about your relationship...

12345kbm · 10/11/2019 11:05

It means she runs around after him and he treats her like a servant. He no doubt, hates women. Men who respect women have enough self respect not to treat them like something just scraped off their shoes. He's entitled and abusive and his behaviour is going to get worse.

Musti · 10/11/2019 11:08

That is not a good relationship op. He's vile.

Ilovethekitties · 10/11/2019 11:17

He is doing it to assert dominance. It will only go downhill from here OP, ask him to move out before it gets worse.

Honeyroar · 10/11/2019 11:21

Can you see the red flags flapping?

You've only recently had him move in, you're doing everything and he's now punishing you by peeing over the seat because you didn't do what he wanted.

GET HIM MOVED OUT!! He is neither kind nor good.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/11/2019 11:31

You don’t have a “good relationship”. Why on earth do you think you do?

He’s disgusting, rude, abusive and lazy as fuck. You shouldn’t have moved in with anyone you do everything for unless they’re a small dependent child who can’t look after themselves.

AngusThermopyle · 10/11/2019 11:36

These kinds of things always get worse. If it were me I'd get rid asap before he starts getting too comfy and ramps up the abuse.

Nanny0gg · 10/11/2019 11:40

@AnneLovesGilbert

^^ What she said. With bells on.

He needs to go.

Original poster
Progia321 · 10/11/2019 11:45

Thank you so much use are right red flags were everywhere else I would not of seeked advice.

He did clean up his own urine without me even asking so even he knew he was wrong I still have not spoke to him.

He’s my first ever boyfriend haven’t really got anyone else so I think that was making me excuse things I shouldn’t of. I deserve better

OP posts:
category12 · 10/11/2019 11:55

I do absolutely everything for this man and I mean everything

Why? Why are you indulging/creating this monstrous inequality in your relationship?

What makes you think a relationship means you do everything for the man? You do realise this is 2019?

12345kbm · 10/11/2019 11:56

I don't know what messages you had growing up regarding relationships OP but this is not a healthy one. You can check out the Freedom Programme which is a group run by Women's Aid that teaches you about red flags and how to spot an abuser. It also teaches you what a healthy relationship is.

You can also do a search online of 'abusive relationships' and you'll probably find you are knee deep in one. It's easy for it all to creep up on you as our boundaries get pushed further and further. No one goes into an abusive relationship with their eyes open.

Honeyroar · 10/11/2019 11:56

You do deserve better. Keep that in your head.