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Original poster

Fiancé and drinks with female friend

60 replies

Katiesol1 · 09/11/2019 17:47

I’ve been with fiancé 8 years, engaged a few months. We live a couple of hours away from both our families, but previously when we lived near families he had a job where he had a small group of friends that he never saw outside of work. Since leaving that job and us relocating he has met up with this group of 3 other people (two girls one guy) a couple of times a year (he’s known them now 4 years).

Last night we came back to see family this weekend and due to problems with my car, we car-shared and he dropped me at my family’s place. I had prearranged to see friends so did this and he planned to them drive to his family but due to floods he changed his mind and stayed at mine. He declined coming out with me and my girl friends and instead messaged that group to see if anyone was free to meet for a drink. One one girl in the group was so he met her. He’s never met her 1:1 before. By his own admission she is attractive and single.
I just feel weird about it. I can’t explain why. It just feels weird that they met up 1:1 on an evening to have drinks.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
FourQuarters · 09/11/2019 23:18

Yes, @Pics. The rest of us are wide-eyed virginal teenagers.

saraclara · 09/11/2019 23:19

Seriously? You wouldn't allow a fiance/husband to ever meet a female friend alone, @PicsInRed?

That is really disturbing.

PicsInRed · 09/11/2019 23:20

For evening drinks alone?

Nope.

LolaSmiles · 09/11/2019 23:21

Life experience has driven the "coolness" right out of me.
Ah yes... Those women who don't agree with my controlling paranoia must be "cool" wives. It didn't take long for that to hit this thread.

Many of us have been stung by cheating and have seen the effect of it. Thankfully most of us don't decide that the solution moving forward is to police interactions with friends.

If any partner said to me they'd expect me never to repeat a drink alone with a friend then I'd be running out of that relationship and thinking I'd got a lucky escape.

saraclara · 09/11/2019 23:22

My best friend is male and single. My husband was completely chill with our friendship, thank goodness. It never occurred to me that he wouldn't be.
I can't imagine being with someone so jealous and insecure, and who didn't trust me.

saraclara · 09/11/2019 23:23

Do you have a partner, @PicsInRed?

SleepingStandingUp · 09/11/2019 23:26

If you dint trust him to be alone with a woman without cheating, then you shouldn't be with him.

I have male single friends and I make plans explicitly to spend time 121 with them where we will end up having potentially quite tipsy. DH happily cares for DS whilst I'm a 100 miles away doing this. I'd be so angry if he told me he expected me not to because I can't be trusted

PicsInRed · 09/11/2019 23:27

The wonderful thing about life is that we each get to have our own boundaries. Others may have different boundaries and that's fine too.

The OP doesn't have to accept her partner having evening drinks alone with a female friend.

Her partner doesn't have to change his behaviour in response to OP's preference.

The OP is then allowed to decide whether this is a deal breaker for her.

No one has to do or accept anything they aren't comfortable with, right? We are entitled to our own boundaries.

BackforGood · 09/11/2019 23:32

and I - and any other right thinking person - wouldn't stay in a relationship with you then PicsinRed
Do you honestly think it is healthy for you to dictate who your partner can or can't be friends with ? Hmm

FourQuarters · 09/11/2019 23:32

We are indeed, @Pics, but implying that other women have different boundaries because they’ve been socialised into being ‘cool wives’ is pretty misogynistic.

I’m not ‘cool’, I’ve simply managed not to shag several close male friends over the past twenty years, despite ample opportunity, therefore I don’t assume other people fall on one another like wolves unless carefully policed.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 09/11/2019 23:37

How do you think the OP s partner should have dealt with this Pics? Do you think he shouldn't continue friendships and socialising with female friends or should he have cancelled after asking when it was apparent it would only be one of the girls? I really am asking out of genuine curiosity and not trying to be goady!

PicsInRed · 09/11/2019 23:48

It doesn't matter what he should or shouldn't have done.

OP isn't comfortable with her partner night time drinking alone with a woman in the future and she gets to set her own relationship boundaries.

If her partner disagrees with that, he is entitled to set his own boundary and she then has a choice to make about hers.

OP, make your own choices. Don't worry about what others would do, if your intuition is screaming, you aren't obligated to ignore it. You get to set your own boundaries.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 09/11/2019 23:51

Yes that's totally understandable but how does that work in practice? If op hasn't said to him beforehand "I don't feel comfortable with you socialising with female friends alone" so he wasn't aware of that particular boundary, how do you think that situation should have been dealt with?

PicsInRed · 10/11/2019 00:03

It doesn't need to be "dealt with". The OP just said she feels weird about it and basically doesn't like it. The main issue I see is emphasising to the OP that she has the right to her own relationship boundaries.

She cannot impose these on her partner - he has the option of breaking up if it's not for him - but she can communicate her boundaries and see if they remain compatible as a couple.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 10/11/2019 00:07

You're not giving a straight answer. It sounds like you're saying that he either needs to cancel meeting his mate or dump his fiance. That's totally fine as like you say everyone is different and there's nothing wrong with that. Saying that, people only tend to be reluctant to say what they mean when they know themselves it's irrational/illogical/wrong. Owning it would be respected more.

saraclara · 10/11/2019 00:13

@PicsInRed have you yet told any new boyfriend what your barriers are? how did they take it, if so?

ChristmasFluff · 10/11/2019 00:20

I cannot stand all the 'cool girl' posturing that goes on in forums like this sometimes. But this isn't it.

You have nothing to worry about OP.

Alsioma · 10/11/2019 01:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MsDogLady · 10/11/2019 07:24

OP, I also wonder under what circumstances your fiancé commented on this woman’s attractiveness. I understand your feeling uneasy with their different level of interaction.

After 8 years together, you know if something feels off. Are you going to mention that you feel odd about it?

priceofprogress · 10/11/2019 07:57

Also curious how it has come up that he thinks she’s attractive. Maybe OP commented on her looks out of insecurity and he agreed and now he’s in the wrong for not saying she’s unattractive? That’s the sort of thing someone insecure might do (make comments she’s pretty and if DP unwittingly falls into the trap of agreeing hold it over him forevermore!).

It is also possible to see that someone is good looking without fancying them yourself or being unable to control yourself around them. I have friends I can see are objectively attractive I feel absolutely zero pull towards. One of DH’s closest female friends is an absolute stone cold fox, seriously when she enters the room it’s like a light has been switched on she’s so ridiculously beautiful. He’d have to be blind or lying not to see that, yet I trust he doesn’t have feelings for her and encourage him to make the time to meet up with her and I welcome her into our home warmly as she’s lovely and means a lot to him.

I’m not a ‘cool wife’ btw, if I had grounds for something to bother me I’d own it and speak up. But similarly why go through life like this, suspicious and worrying and tense about the idea of either of you having friendships with people of the opposite sex? If someone’s gonna cheat they will always find a way!

NataliaOsipova · 10/11/2019 08:01

Do you want to be married to a Mike Pence?

This made me laugh - but it’s a good point!

He went for a drink with a friend. End of. Total non issue.

priceofprogress · 10/11/2019 08:03

The Mike Pence really made me giggle too 😂

Can’t think of anything more unattractive than a man who trusted himself so little he had to put arbitrary barriers in place to be able to interact with one half of the population. Imagine how tragic your relationship would be like that.

LolaSmiles · 10/11/2019 08:57

picsinred
Out of interest would you argue that someone demanding passwords and phone pins in a relationship to check up on them is just another difference in personal barrier and everyone should respect that as normal behaviour?

If someone doesn't like their partner's family, can they say they expect them not to contact them again because "I don't think your family like me?" after all, that's just a different barrier and they've got their reasons

What about what someone wears? If partner A is insecure and they don't like it when partner B wears certain outifts because others might find them attractive, does A have the right to tell B not to wear them in future. Again, it's just a different personal boundary and it's surely up to B to leave if they're not willing to follow the rules on clothes?

It sounds very much to me like when a woman wants to dictate a man's actions you think it's just a personal boundary thing and the onus is on the man to leave. The woman is reasonable because she may have been hurt before and so have different standards which are fine. In this situation any woman who thinks this is controlling behaviour must be a "cool" woman who let's their partners shag who they like and is always putting their feelings on one side for the men.

And yet, read any of the examples above and they'd absolutely be red flags for an abusive relationship. I wonder if you'd be quick to turn up on relationships threads telling women in controlling relationships that it's up to them to leave if they don't like the fact their DP "has different personal boundaries".

priceofprogress · 10/11/2019 09:13

LolaSmiles spot on.

LemonTT · 10/11/2019 09:43

The general statement about boundaries is right to a point. But we have to recognise that some boundaries are not just unhealthy but dangerous. For the person with the boundary and those around them.

It is also far too simplistic to state that if someone doesn’t like it they can walk away. Again it is dangerous advice, especially to women who can end up emotionally and financially dependent on a controlling partner. One who is damaged and refuses to let them meet a friend for a drink. The gender ends up being irrelevant in this situation.

It’s impossible to remove risk from your life and you head down a path to lonely or toxic future if you try to eliminate it from your life. And you do a disservice to others by dressing it up as reasonable boundaries that are justified because you have been hurt.