Bad morning! DP and DD! Help!

[BleughFedUp]

Up since 6am with baby and suspected ADHD 3 year old trying to keep them quiet so DP can have a lie in til 9 ( we take it in turns on the weekend).

We have 4 DC, three older ones (DS 8 DS 11 and DD 14) are mine from previous marriage.

Older DC spend alternate weekends with their father. He moved away a few years again and has a new family (young DD and new baby on the way).

DD didn’t want to go this weekend as she has her period and is very tired and not feeling great. It’s a 10 hour round trip to their fathers. They leave today and return tomorrow.

This is the only evening DP and I get a fortnight without older DC in the house so DP is put out that DD is here, although won’t admit it. He says he’s annoyed as she’ll just spend all day on her phone in her room and it’s unhealthy and making her introverted which is true.

I have told her if she’s going to be here all day she cannot spend all day on her phone in her room. She can watch TV or shows on the IPad. She has flipped out and called me a control freak.

DP has said he’s going to work this morning and we’re no longer going out for lunch as DD won’t want to come and we can’t leave her home alone without her phone.

I’m pissed off with him and also phased off with the way she’s spoken to me.

You make them travel 10 hours every other weekend to visit an emotionally abusive father

So take her phone off her!! For goodness sake! Does she pay for it?? I doubt it.

This is the only evening DP and I get a fortnight without older DC in the house so DP is put out that DD is here, although won’t admit it.

Seriously! It’s her home too and it can’t be much fun knowing someone has problems with her being in her own home.

The fact that your children have to make such a shitty trip twice a month is bad enough but feeling unwanted in your own home is just icing on a crappy cake. The so called adults in this situation aren’t coming across well!

She is going to want to stay home more and more.

10 hour round trip every other weekend is totally unreasonable and can’t carry on.

Why did their father move so far away?

Surely this will start to affect their school work?

I would let her have the phone HOWEVER I would do things to involve her into the weekend! .

Tell her you can pop to the shops with her and treat yourselves, get some marshmallows and hot chocolate, choose a film , snacks , both lay on the sofa having a rest and absolutely stuffing your faces doing nothing. Engage with her without her realising your trying to get her off the phone .

Teens these days compare everything. I would hate to be a teen now growing up with so much social media to compare yourself against others . There is alot of pressure of kids now to fit in.

Have you asked if there is another reason for not going her dad's and the periods not just an excuse ! ? X x

Let her mooch in her bedroom, you should still go out lunch and order her in some pizza/whatever she likes before you go.
If you have a landline phone write down your numbers and leave it near it. If not. then put the charger away in your room-check what percentage the phone battery is on before you leave and explain to her not use it to win back your trust with her phone.
It is understandable she did not want to travel this weekend, do cut her some slack.

my mums ex husband resented me and my brother being in the house rather than my dads because he wanted to spend time with just his family (my two siblings). Did wonders for our relationship with our mother.

You let them travel for 10 hours every other weekend to see an emotionally abusive alcoholic, but won’t let your daughter sit in her room on her phone whilst you go out for a few hours?

^not to be rude, but I don’t see the logic there at all

Do they travel the 10 hours on their own? Surely no one travels 20 hours to collect then and take them back?

With 3 children there the majority of the time I don’t see why having one 14 year old girl quietly being in her room as being a problem.

Regarding the phone - I haven’t got teenagers yet me SM is a worrying thing for me, so difficult for me to comment but I think all day on the phone is not healthy and she would be able to curl up and read/watch a file etc and relax.

The best way to protect your DD against grooming is to help her have positive relationships with men. So far she has an emotionally abusive alcoholic for a father and your DP would resents her wanting to be home restings and seems to have quite a negative attitude about her. You need to start challenging your DP on this and stop allowing him to control you. Cancelling lunch and being moody because DD doesn't feel well and chose to stay home is ridiculous especially given the long trip and issues with dad. Her home should be her safe haven and she needs you to start modelling healthy relationships and advocating for her. Did she have any professional input following the grooming?

Blimey. I'm at a loss. Okay. Basics of parenting coming up:

Put your children first. Read that again.
Be kind to your children. Spoiler alert: They are actual human beings. Ikr.

The ten hour pilgrimages to visit the emotionally abusive father that you have no contact with (I'm so incredulous/a little horrified at this point) have. To. Stop.
You can go put for lunch. For the love of god. She's fourteen. Let her have a rest and a chill. I'm guessing you have had periods yourself? (A little heavy on the sarcasm, sorry.) She's a human being and she'll be feeling all sorts of things. Maybe you could ask her how she's feeling and if she needs anything, maybe you could bring her something back from the restaurant?

Or, cancel everything and let your new partner sulk about your own daughter being at home while she's on her period.

I'm gesturing too much to make any sense at this point. Oh my days.

Having a teen DD I know how much she wants to sleep/chill/ have screen time when on her period.. and to be fair most weekends as the week is hectic. OP my EH was an alcoholic, Emotionally distant parent and I stopped contact ... he never pursued regular contact after that , which spoke volumes. He sees them a few times a year now.. on their terms teens). But what jumps out for me is the idea that ever other weekend is seen as special by DP. .. forgive me for wondering if this is just a lighten of the load.. or is this some else. I would want my DP to not mine either way if the DCs were home or not as he viewed them as a whole family.. are there tensions between you both.. you sound like you are walking on eggshells.. a red flag to me.