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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bad morning! DP and DD! Help!

63 replies

BleughFedUp · 09/11/2019 10:59

Up since 6am with baby and suspected ADHD 3 year old trying to keep them quiet so DP can have a lie in til 9 ( we take it in turns on the weekend).

We have 4 DC, three older ones (DS 8 DS 11 and DD 14) are mine from previous marriage.

Older DC spend alternate weekends with their father. He moved away a few years again and has a new family (young DD and new baby on the way).

DD didn’t want to go this weekend as she has her period and is very tired and not feeling great. It’s a 10 hour round trip to their fathers. They leave today and return tomorrow.

This is the only evening DP and I get a fortnight without older DC in the house so DP is put out that DD is here, although won’t admit it. He says he’s annoyed as she’ll just spend all day on her phone in her room and it’s unhealthy and making her introverted which is true.

I have told her if she’s going to be here all day she cannot spend all day on her phone in her room. She can watch TV or shows on the IPad. She has flipped out and called me a control freak.

DP has said he’s going to work this morning and we’re no longer going out for lunch as DD won’t want to come and we can’t leave her home alone without her phone.

I’m pissed off with him and also phased off with the way she’s spoken to me.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 09/11/2019 11:31

Turn the WiFi off and go out. She can ring if she needs you. But you need to be sure she is safe using her phone regardless of who is in or what room she is in anyway..

RubbingHimSourly · 09/11/2019 11:32

With teenagers you have to pick and choose your arguments. I'd let her have her phone on this one occasion but make it very clear it's a one off. She won't be wriggling out of contact with her dad every time it's planned so she can flip in her room on her phone all day.

Original poster
BleughFedUp · 09/11/2019 11:33

Honestly the three of you sound like shit parenrs

When someone on mumsnet makes a comment like this based on a few paragraphs and snippets of your life and from one persons perspective... You know you shouldn’t bite but it’s difficult.... Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
BleughFedUp · 09/11/2019 11:35

Thank you for all the constructive advice/criticism. Flowers

DD’s now downstairs chatting away with DP!

OP posts:
MitziK · 09/11/2019 11:39

When I have a shitty period, all I want to do is stay in bed and twat about on the internet. Being forced to come out and sit downstairs when I want to curl up in a little ball wouldn't get the best reaction from me when I'm feeling like my uterus, pelvis and lower spine are attempting to climb out of my body like something from Alien.

I understand your concerns, but somebody getting the bollockache with me for feeling like shit and not wanting to perform as a joyful, productive member of society for that day (I'm lucky, I only feel like I'm dying occasionally - teenagers can have that happen for several days every single month) wouldn't be appreciated, as it would feel like I'm being punished for something that literally isn't my fault.

Dollymixture22 · 09/11/2019 11:40

The grooming incident must have terrifying, so I totally understand your sensitivity to her spending hours in her phone, your husband is also correct to step up and say it’s not healthy given past experience.

Your husband is however being a bit of an arse to go to work in a Hoffa’s and leave you with three children (do you have four or five?).

How about a compromise, daughter gets to pick lunch venue if she goes?

Dollymixture22 · 09/11/2019 11:41

In a huff not hoffa😂

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2019 11:43

You DON’T sound like a shit parent. Ignore the goady fuckers. You’re trying to do the right thing and you’re exhausted and worried. Go out, have a nice lunch. DD can have a bath, read a book, watch a film, lounge around in bed. Try not to worry, everything will be okay Smile

Lobsterquadrille2 · 09/11/2019 11:51

I would definitely think that 14 is ok to leave her for a couple of hours while you go for lunch. I've zero experience of the grooming via phone issue so can't comment, but imagine I'd be nervous too. However, an element of trust will have to be built in time.

MintyMabel · 09/11/2019 12:05

We had an issue with her being groomed a while back so are wary of her spending hours on her phone alone in her bedroom.

Hmm

Surely you would lead with this as a reason you want to restrict it?

Witchinaditch · 09/11/2019 12:20

I don’t think you sound like a shit parent, what a horrible thing to say to someone who reaches out for advice on a parenting website! I think you are trying your best in a difficult situation!!

Epona1 · 09/11/2019 12:30

baby, ADHD 3 year old, DS 8, DS11, DD14. We have 4 DC

I make that 5 children, not 4.

merryhouse · 09/11/2019 12:36

yeah, 4 and 5 are next to each other, typo

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/11/2019 12:45

Leaving aside the grooming issue, what is your DP's problem with her spending time in her room while she's feeling shit? Does he want to have noisy sex with you? (I would totally understand this btw - every time my DS went out for the night as a teen I'd be "time for blaming it on the boom boom!")

Do you have a landline? If so, make sure she has your mobile number and tell her to ring if there's an issue and keep her mobile with you.

I totally empathise with removing tech from teens - my DS used to get incredibly wound up when he had his laptop and would end up n a state of rage which stopped him from sleeping properly, etc. I programmed our router so that it wouldn't let him online between 10pm to 8am. It really helped. But he still moaned about it!

AgentJohnson · 09/11/2019 13:01

10 hour round trip while on your period, no thanks. So you won’t go out because of your self imposed rule about her phone. This is batshit!

Quartz2208 · 09/11/2019 13:07

The current set up is not sustainable at all. Making them do 5 hours on a Saturday and then 5 hours back on a Sunday is too much. it isnt your fault he moved away but every other weekend is not workable. No wonder the minute she doesnt feel well she doesnt want to do it.

A long chat is needed between the two households to figure out a better way forward because really what is coming across is that your DP wants your children to go through that so he get time without them and has now decided to go into work

You then told her what to do

BarbedBloom · 09/11/2019 13:33

Your DP sounds like a pain to be honest. It is her home and he doesn't get to sulk because she wants to stay home. She is 14, you can go out without her and if she is watching stuff on the iPad, just take the phone. But I was an introverted teenager who spent my time in my room, I don't see the big deal. Will he be happier if she is under your feet all day chattering as it doesn't come across that way?

BarbedBloom · 09/11/2019 13:36

Oh and of course he is now going to work, missed that. It does sound to me like you are punishing your daughter to me as well

parkersnose · 09/11/2019 13:38

Isn't that 5 kids?

Winterdaysarehere · 09/11/2019 13:43

At 14 she can decide if she travels anyway...

My dc went nc at 12 +14...

Original poster
BleughFedUp · 09/11/2019 14:09

Five DC 😅!

Their father is a prize A-hole. Emotionally abusive alcoholic. Caused untold problems over the past 6 years.

Have considered court numerous times. He works full time so doesn’t have them in the holidays - ever. Says the only time he can have them is the weekend.

Have had to withhold them in the past on several occasions due to his refusal to abide to times etc and another time because of his his drinking. Very long story.

I have been blocked from his phone and WhatsApp for the past 6 months so no contact whatsoever apart from through his GF in emergencies. I actually like her, she’s the only reason I didn’t stop contact completely as I feel my DC are safe with her. She’s a health professional and has her head screwed on.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 09/11/2019 14:39

My teenage girls aren't fit for anything (apart from school!) when they're in the middle of their period, and I let them just chill and be on their own. I'm the same, and would not appreciate being made to do something.
I'd either encourage her to go for lunch or enjoy your time with DP. The grooming surely will have made her super alert, instead of not letting her have the phone keep highlighting the dangers. You can't not let her do what everyone else is doing her age!

slipperywhensparticus · 09/11/2019 14:43

Unclench ffs

As long as she is social with her friends and I would encourage this she wont die alone in her room

DariaMorgendorffer · 09/11/2019 14:54

This is the only evening DP and I get a fortnight without older DC in the house so DP is put out that DD is here, although won’t admit it

I can guarantee that your dd can pick up on those undertones. It's her home and nobody should ever be put out that she's there.

Phone is a different issue, but if she's allowed have one and you've worked through the circumstances that led to grooming then surely you can get to a stage where she's allowed chill in her room for a day watching Netflix?

Being 14 is hard. Let the poor child rest! Your dp (male?) has absolutely idea what it feels like to be 14 with a period, it's exhausting, and she is still growing. You need to advocate for her.

Sounds like she has a lot on in her life with her alcoholic father, the ridiculous amount she has to to travel at weekends, school, the dynamics of being in a large blended family with step-siblings, being the eldest navigating adolescence....never mind being recently groomed online!

Leave her rest. Or, if you really think she's isolating herself & getting into a slump, why don't you bring her out for some one-on-one time.? Somewhere that she'd enjoy.

wherearemymarbles · 09/11/2019 15:13

I know its tricky for you now but we have an absolute rule. No phones or Ipads in their bedrooms. As its always been this way they never ask.
Is there a quiet spot in the house DD can go with her phone? But if she didnt want to go out, maybe she stays in her phone in the house for a few hours?

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