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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure I like my dh

29 replies

Poetryinaction · 08/11/2019 21:34

My dh is hard work.
He is on anti depressants. He says he always feels stressed. He takes it out on me and the kids. His tone of voice is often aggressive and he is so negative.
I love being with the kids and get a lot of joy from them. They are little (5, 4, 1) so hard work, but so much fun.
Part of me wants to leave him as I am sick of all the aggression and negativity. But the day to day stuff would be hard. Being a single parent of 3 kids. And he would go to pieces.
He loves the kids and does a lot for and with them. But there is no joy. I don't really enjoy his company.
We have similar values and a shared focus -the kids. But I don't know if I can or should put up with him and his moods for much longer.
Would it be logistically really hard to leave? Should I stay for fear of him losing it? Thanks

OP posts:
flipperlipper · 10/11/2019 02:39

I really feel for you, especially as you are describing my life! It's so hard and you have my every sympathy. Thanks

. I left recently as I couldn't take the aggression and negativity any more. I don't think he understands and agrees he does behave badly but apparently all brought on by all my faults. It's been really hard (I also have kids under 5 and living in rented unsuitable accom until I can get him to leave) but it's such a relief to not be woken up to slamming doors and angry muttering or to feel sick with nerves when he comes into a room.

Please don't put up with it! Tell people what's going on (this has helped me hugely as I was in denial and didn't want to admit as I felt I'd failed my marriage) as you will get support from friends, family and colleagues. And remember this is not your fault!!

Wallywobbles · 10/11/2019 03:12

I found it easier to do it alone. My kids were 2&3 when we divorced. I had every other weekend off which was fab too.

It was hard work but fun too. And I worked 4 days a week. Financially I was comfortable and the family home was mine so I had it relatively easy.

maternityleavequestion · 10/11/2019 03:14

My friend had a dh like yours - when she left he really stepped up as a father and actually started taking care of them on his eow - she (and he) were so much better apart and both are now happy with new partners and sharing the parenting.
I hated my exh - dreaded him coming home - so much happier now I don't have him in my life. He was such a joy sponge! I'm happy all the time now, one single happy day was unimaginable when I lived with him....life's too short to stay with someone who makes you (and probably your children) miserable.

Tina0104 · 10/11/2019 20:01

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Interestedwoman · 10/11/2019 20:14

My dad was like this- it's an awful way to grow up and causes lifelong anxiety etc, from how much the kids have to walk on eggshells. Leaving would be the best thing for you all by far. As to how he'd cope- that's not your responsibility, it's what the NHS is for.

Please leave. Hugs and best wishes xxx

@Tina0104 hmm that seems like spam to me.

myotherface · 10/11/2019 20:51

You described my life. My DH is not physically aggressive but his behaviour at times feels aggressive. He's a dedicated dad and a husband. He's basically got no life apart from me, kids and work. He never sees friends, doesn't have hobbies etc.
My dh totally adores me and the kids but he's so critical, grumpy and always stressed out by the tiniest things. Say we're in town he'll be constantly snapping at me and the kids to stop getting in other people's way. If I make a mistake he'll tell me straight away I was stupid. It's nothing major but the constant moodiness and unpredictability. I can never relax around him and I feel our eldest is the same.

I'm arty, chaotic, messy, relaxed, have a well paid job that's my passion, lots of friends, lots of interests, am bubbly and sociable. He is super organised, tidy, a bit uptight, he has a job that he enjoys but that's a job and nothing more, doesn't see his friends, is too shy to make new friends or to start hobbies etc. He has given the last 15 years of his life to us and has nothing else. Me leaving him would destroy him. I definitely don't love him and haven't done for ages. Forcing myself to stay because everytime I've attempted to leave he gets so hysterical and it becomes totally awful. Can't even think what it would do the kids. They love our family unit. I've been depressed for the past two years and had a hospital admission recently for being so suicidal. This is slowly eating me up. I so wish it would be easier to leave.

Op I'd tell you leave if you can. I'm too scared to leave myself even though I know I should. We only have one life. I'm spending it with a person I don't even like.

Craftycorvid · 10/11/2019 20:58

It can certainly be draining to be with a very depressed person. However, depression doesn’t cause aggression and the kind of behaviour you describe, OP. How long has your relationship been like this?

SinkGirl · 10/11/2019 20:59

OP, of course you shouldn’t have to live like this.

How long has he been on the anti depressants? Has he always been like this (aggressive and negative) or has it developed over time?

This sort of snappiness, uncontrolled anger, losing it over minor things can be a symptom of depression and anxiety in itself. That’s not to say that you should therefore put up with it, but if it’s a change in him which could be caused by mental health issues it’s therefore potentially treatable if he’s willing to work at this. If this is just his personality that’s obviously a different issue.

If he’s only recently started medication I would give it some time. If he’s been on it a while I’d be upfront that you can’t carry on like this and he needs to go back to his doctor to try different medication/ additional help or you can’t stay.

If this is just who he is I would leave personally. You don’t need to spend your life walking on eggshells.

IndieTara · 10/11/2019 21:13

Op this is the reason Isplit with now XH 7 years ago but I only had one DD3.
He wouldn't visit the doctor. After a year he did visit the doctor and got AD's which he then refused to take. He just got worse and worse. Took all his bad moods out on me 'because you're my wife, who else have I got'
Started throwing things at the wall in frustration, scared DD and me, had screaming ranty foul mouthed fits about people he hardly knew, did nothing but sleep when he got in from work, became aggressive etc
When we finally split I'd never felt relief like it. He still got worse and tried to control me and ranted and raved for the next 3 or so years. But at least we didn't live together.
It was a really horrible time but splitting was absolutely the right thing to do

BlackSwan · 10/11/2019 21:30

Another one here. On Friday evening for e.g., i got home from work and was apparently not happy enough to see him. I walked the dog, returned home and made a joke of putting a cold hand under his sweater. He grabbed my arm and twisted it hard. He was a dick afterward, making out that I was being awful to him. He's on antidepressants, does solitary activities like swimming and cycling - rarely - a few times a year, sees any friends. Is hyper critical of me and our son. Constantly. Is rude, obnoxious, aggressive. Only ever uses my name to make a pointed remark. I've moved into the spare room and couldn't care less if i never have another intimate moment with him again. It's a crap way to live. But my son would be devastated if we split. And life would be harder. It's a very slow breakdown.

flipperlipper · 11/11/2019 06:07

It's so hard to read these accounts. Why are there so many men who do this? 😞 I walked out a week ago and feel broken. Everything DH has done or said since has made it worse. All I want is 'I'm sorry, I love you, I'll work on this' but he's just cold and aggressive and sending me messages telling me how miserable I make him, how I'm oversensitive and using my anxiety against him. None of us should be putting up with this crap. Thanks to all of you struggling through these issues. It's so hard to leave as you live for the good times. I keep running through all the good, kind aspects of him and it breaks my heart when I see how he's treating me right now. Total lack of responsibility for causing any pain.
Please believe me when I say to you all (and you need to repeat this to yourself): It's not your fault.

ScreamingLadySutch · 11/11/2019 06:32

@myotherface he snaps because he has given himself permission to do it, and because he has not been confronted about it.

I really hope you find the strength to calmly and quietly give him a boundary (You need to stop doing this to us) and a consequence (IF you do not control these impulses and IF you do not CHOOSE to treat us with more respect and care) ...

you will leave. His hysteria is also a choice. He could have chosen to behave kindly.

He has NO RIGHT to snap at you all like this. That you have been hospitalised shows what a terrible environment this is.

BlackSwan · 11/11/2019 08:46

Also Friday night - I asked him to give our son his bed time meds (which I do 90%) of the time because I had just seen a job ad I wanted to respond to (I’m in the midst of possibly changing jobs after a long time). He threw a fit because I had mistakenly said they meds were already upstairs in DS’ bedroom and he kept shouting at me to bring them up to him. I refused. He came downstairs and turned off the power for the WiFi so my application was scrapped and I had to start again. He’s fucking intolerable.

flipperlipper · 11/11/2019 09:25

That's horrible poetry 😞
And this type of thing sounds quite familiar to me. It's incredible how such trivial things can be used to start a fight. I hope you're ok

flipperlipper · 11/11/2019 09:25

Sorry, i meant to address pp to blackswan

BlackSwan · 11/11/2019 09:39

Thank you. I’m ok but you know how these things make you feel like you’re on your own. And it’s not the kind of thing I would share with friends or family.

MoodLighting · 11/11/2019 09:50

Honestly, BlackSwan, that is just so contemptuous. What an arse. You should leave as he doesn't deserve you, or any other human company.

user1479305498 · 11/11/2019 10:48

I think what is especially upsetting is that they once were not like this, or we wouldn’t be with these guys. It’s like somewhere along the line after many years they have a personality transplant. I do wonder if many men just aren’t cut out for the long haul and are better to date for a couple of years etc

Lifeisabeach09 · 11/11/2019 11:04

Flowers to all the posters with shit (and, yes, they are shit!) husbands. MH issues is not a license to be abusive and disrespectful to one's family.
I will say that staying in these relationships in harming your children more than helping them.

Can't even think what it would do the kids. They love our family unit. I've been depressed for the past two years and had a hospital admission recently for being so suicidal.

Your children likely know what's going on. They see their mother depressed and will have picked up on the atmosphere at home. And if they know you have been suicidal, it is something they will never forget.

Startingoveragain1 · 11/11/2019 11:19

How long has he been on anti depressants op? They usually take up to 6 weeks to start working. I completely understand what youre saying, mine is the same, and has been for a while and seems to just want to hide away. he has been doing some reading and has finally recognised he may actually be depressed. I dont know where we go from here... he is short tempered and snappy, not nice to be around... i want to hold on to hoping hell get better... but so many men seem to take this turn and ends up badly....

Redhead37 · 11/11/2019 11:28

I could have written this. My Dh, though not married is just miserable, nagging about all the small things, has called me names in front of the children in the past. His world is his children, he will walk past me in the morning not speak a word at all. But his face lights up for his kids. He never gets up in the morning, I do everything for the children. He has no friends, no hobbies. A previous poster was right though. He never used to be like this. His world has hit so all. He must be as miserable.
I have started counselling to get my strength up to leave him. I cannot live my life like this.

Bearski77 · 11/11/2019 12:39

Very similar here. Had a talk with dh a few nights ago, I'd been miserable for a long time and had enough of him going out whenever he wants, total freedom and no responsibilities, so I finally told him I was really unhappy. He was really upset and said he wanted to get things back on track. Anyway, he's been staying with family for a few days and has phoned a couple of times to ask how we are and to say he has missed us. But I have so enjoyed the time without him, just me and my two boys, and I'm dreading him coming back. This is awful but I just find him boring. I can't live the rest of my life just having polite conversation. But the alternative really scares me. My eldest can see I'm not happy, but how will he and his brother take a break-up? I just don't know. It's really hard when you find yourself in this situation. Dh hasn't really done anything 'wrong' , I just don't feel anything. You're not alone x

BlackSwan · 13/11/2019 22:23

Bearski, you're not alone either. I don't find time apart daunting at all - rather the opposite. It's calm, relaxed and positive. Instead of fraught, tense and hostile. I feel like i'm constantly under attack when he's around.

Letseatgrandma · 13/11/2019 22:30

I don't find time apart daunting at all - rather the opposite. It's calm, relaxed and positive. Instead of fraught, tense and hostile. I feel like i'm constantly under attack when he's around

Goodness, I could have posted that.

Magicmonster · 13/11/2019 22:38

Black swan - pretty much everything you are saying resonates with me. How are there so many men out there like this?!

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