End of Friendship-'Promiscuous Child'

[Lifeisabeach09]

I met a friend (male) today for a beer. I've known this guy several years (friend and neighbour) and he knows my DD (10). He has a DD (18) also. Just a bit of background: this man is 50, single, unemployed, sees women as objects a bit, online dater on multiple sites but not a player as such. We have a history of intimacy years ago. Never serious and without my DD's knowledge.
We were chatting today about our past (multiple) relationships and he comes out with that I must have started at 13. i asked him why he would think that.
He said essentially "I've met your daughter" and sees how she is playing with the boys in our building's garden. I, again, asked him what he meant by that and he says my then 8 year old DD "struts and shakes her bottom" and he "sees how she dresses" around the boys and is obviously en route to being "promiscuous" (his word). I got angry and a massive row ensued.
That an adult could see a child acting sexual pisses me off and astounds me. I'm quite upset--for his negative points, I valued his friendship.
Advice and thoughts please.

Well done for standing your ground and being done with him. What an awful human being he is.

I agree with @Bluntness100

I think it's actually quite common for paedophiles to attribute sexual feelings to children--it justifies their actions to themselves.

This has made me feel sick. You're 100% right to cut all ties with this man. Anyone who can sexualise the actions of a 10 year old playing with her friends is a danger.
If he's said it to you then he's definitely been thinking that way about your daughter for a while. He's vile.

Well done for cutting him off and warning your DD.

Absolutely vile. His comments gave me flashbacks to the sort of shit Judge Pickles came out with back in the day.

I have no idea if your former friend is a paedophile or "just" a misogynist. But be aware that some paedophiles spend YEARS grooming their targets - it's part of the fantasy. And it's very common for abusers to specifically target single mothers and "make themselves useful" - a shoulder to cry on, a shelf to put up, etc. It gives them your unwitting trust and access to a potential target.

Not sure if your DD is 8 or 10 but maybe reiterating the PANTS talk might be a good idea.

For now, can you reframe this in your mind? In the long run he's done you a favour - his mask slipped and you saw his true self. You have taken steps to keep your DD safe. You have told him it was unnaceptable and have broken off contact. You've done all the right things.

Maybe tomorrow or Sunday you and DD can do something nice together? A lazy morning/afternoon of watching TV on the sofa with some hot chocolate? You have had a horrible shock - it's always horrible when you realise someone you trusted isn't who they thought you were. Be kind to yourself

Don't worrythe fucker won't be going anywhere near my child. I feel so raw and angryI want to stab the perverted, arrogant prick! I still can't believe he'd say those things to me, think everything was ok and that I'd misunderstood what he said and that I'd be speaking to again "in a few weeks." Bastard!

Not sure if your DD is 8 or 10
She was 8 during the time period he was referring to. Couple of summers ago.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation, thank you very much. I like the idea of reframing and you are definitely right-I have seen his true colour and it is a shock. DD and I have chilled on the couch this evening with a takeaway. What is the PANTS talk?

Cut this man out of your life (and your daughter's).

based on your scenario I'd think what a sick perv, however, unless this man in the park had sexual fantasies, feelings and has acted himself towards children he likely wouldn't meet the definition of one

Op, a paedophile is not only a paedophile if they act on it. It's someone with a sexual attraction to children. Irrelevant if they acted on it or not.

This man has has these sexualised thoughts about your daughter. He has sexualised her actions. ThE thoughts he articulated to you, which I don't even want to type out again. About how she was dressed, how she was moving. Those are the things he was thinking when he was looking at her. An eight year old

Isn't that a sexual fantasy? Because it wasn't real was it? It was in his head. Your child is not sexualised at eight as he seems to think. It was simply his fantasy, his feelings, which were wrong, and then That by the age of thirteen, still a child, she'd be Having sex? With many people. And That you yourself were having sex as a child?

Do you really not see it? As said, a paedo is someone who has sexualised thoughts about children. Normal people do not have these thoughts, people who are not paedophiles do not look at young girls or boys and think sexual thoughts.

I understand what your saying in that you think he wouldn't act on it, or you don't think he's sexually attracted to your child, but the fact his thoughts run to sexual when he looks at her, is all you need to know. The fact he attributes sexual motives to her screams at you. The rest he will never reveal.

No normal person looks at a little girl and thinks these things. Even if she's running around in her pants and vest. Even if she's naked.. Normal people don't think these things.. They think of kids as kids and sexual thoughts don't enter their heads. The idea would repulse them.

@bluntness100, he is, definitely, not normal. Whatever he is, I'll never know, for sure. All I need to know is that he will never get the opportunity to act on it if, indeed, he is a paedophile. (Just thinking about is so damn upsetting.) As mentioned upthread, I've warned my DD and should I or we bump into him (which is likely) he'll either been blanked or rudely spoken to by me.

Ah, if she's now 10 she might be a bit old for it but here's a link
www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/

But no matter her age you can probably adopt the general guidelines and make them age appropriate for her.

i Do hope you'll never know for sure op and good plan, it's the only way. 💐

Thank you. She said she'd heard of it but we went through it again. We've spoken about this stuff before and that she can tell me anything.

My dad once made a comment like this to me - when he found out that I’d been sexually abused at 10 years old (I told him when I was 13 as I’d told my mum) he said ‘well, you did used to wriggle around on my lap a lot as a little child.’ My mum was fucking furious (they were separated) and he was utterly revolting as a man. I ended contact with him 5 years ago when I was 27 and I have never regretted it.

@WotcherHarry, sorry to say but your dad was a fucking asshole!