Parents! Desperately need advice...feel so sad

[Myfairone]

Long story short I gave birth to my son 3 weeks ago. Before the birth I was very close to my parents (only child) and my Mum was very involved in my pregnancy (came to every midwife appt etc). She had assumed that she would be present at the delivery and I found it very hard to tell her that DH and I wanted to do it alone.

On the day of the birth she arrived at the hospital and proceeded to 'get involved'. DH and I were very uncomfortable and Dh asked her if she would mind letting us do it alone as a couple. SHe stormed out and things havent been the same since.

DH and my Mum had a huge argument (she said that DH kept taking the baby from her!) and Dh just let it all out and brought up how she was interfering in our relationship. It went from bad to worse and now we are at the stage where my parents do not come to my house and so it leaves me in the middle.

I am so low right now and really feel that this is a ridiculous situation. I have been put in the middle and if I do not make the effort to take my LO to see them then they won't get to see him at all.

I called today to say I would take him over there and my parents said they are going out.

I feel so sad and so down and I'm petrified that Im going to get depressed. I keep crying and I cannot get the situation out of my mind.

Any words of advice would be much appreciated. I feel in the middle and I feel like I'm the only one trying. My Mum always makes me feel so guilty about everything. When she said they were going out today she had to add in that they were expecting me this morning...thing is, i cant get myself together enough to get out of hte house before lunch!

I'm sorry this is a long post but I feel better for writing it.

Bloody hell, Kate7. Did your mum really call your first baby her firstborn?

You could be describing my mother, Myfairone, she does the hurt, silent, backing off thing, has done it all my life. The silent treatment is manipulative and abusive. I find it pathetic tbh. It is not an adult response to conflict.

Please try not to expend all your energy on this. Leave the subject with DH and talk about more pleasant things, leave your mum alone for a bit, give yourself a bit of time to get back on track. I suspect that your low mood and inability to get this thing out of your head is a) hormones and tiredness b) a bit of post trauma stress at the shock of this happening at a time when you least expected it and probably most importantly c) the old childhood feelings of upset surfacing at being emotionally abandoned by your mother because you haven't acted as she would like (i.e declared your DH to be the devil himself and left him and taken your LO to live with her?).

This may not seem like the right timing but this has happened to you at this time for a reason, and it sounds like it was long overdue. Most of us who have had similar difficulties have found that this defining moment of separation from our mothers has occurred precisely because we have become mothers ourselves. I personally got through it by immediately finding a counsellor and going weekly for 8 months. I can honestly say it has changed my life.

Yep, in response to WinkyWinkola, she certainly did, and did/said some even weirder things including wailing out loud in the garden and then throwing wine all over my dad when he tried to calm her down - this was all at a family dinner at my sisters with my dd blissfully asleep through it all thank god, and I still have no idea what set her off, to this day! Funnily enough my sister has never repeated the attempt to get us all together! Joking apart, Myfairone, maybe your mum just cant help herself as she feels threatened by your new role. I decided my mum had either gone completely bananas, or was feeling really horribly insecure at being ousted from her "role" - and once I decided to see it that way I managed to deal with it all differently; I didnt get as wound up by her, and even managed to give some ground to her while in collusion with dh having a conspiratorial chuckle over what a barmy bat she was/is. BTW the antagonism to your dh is familiar to me too; when I had my eldest dd we weren't married and after she stopped telling all and sundry that dp would bugger off and leave me a single mum (OMG!!, she then decided to approach things by refusing to accept he is genetically responsible for either of our two dd's - if anyone comments on any way they look like him for example, she immediately counters with, "well, that actually comes from..." and names one of our family instead (and this is still happening now, when she reckons to like him!!!

Hello ladies....oh i feel tons better today!

I cried all day yesterday and when DH came home he realised that this was really seriously upsetting me. He waited until it was lights out and then we talked in the dark (I was still crying!)...he explained that he cannot and will not let this affect our family and he suggested that I do whatever I need to do to get over it. Said he would go to the doctors with me if I thought it was PND and also said that he would accept my decision BUT would not be prepared to just forget it ever happened.

So today I woke up and realised that I am trying to fix something that isn't mine to fix! I have been worrying myself silly over what might happen and not seeing what's in front of me right now...which is a beautiful baby boy who needs me with all of his being.

I saw my Mum today and was going to bring the subject up but she managed (quite the actress) to act relatively normal and although I was saddened by it, it was also kind of funny to see how she operates.

How on earth she can pretend nothing is wrong is beyond me. But thats what she did and I thought to myself that if she is prepared to leave her relationship with my DH in tatters and pretend nothing is wrong then so can I! Its not my problem to fix.

When I called DH he was expecting me to beg and plead iwth him to talk to my Mum. I told him my decision and he said that he actually likes the situation the way it is! Said he likes the fact that they are not constantly round here, or on the phone and he likes the peace that brings to the home....so what am I trying to put right?

He is happy with it, she is obviously happy with it (or doing a good job pretending that things are okay!), so Im going to leave it and try and relax...

She did attempt to put some guilt on me today though ~(won't be telling DH this one!)...she did the 'third person' thing again. She was talking to the baby and said 'oh your grandad will love you in that outfit, and he will be so surprised when he sees how big you have got, because he hasnt seen you in such a long time'....I totally ignored it and didn't rise to the bait!

Im actually kind of proud of myself right now!

So a good day today, lets hope I can keep up the good work...

Thank you ladies for being my friends and listening to me rant and cry when I needed it most.

Fab! Well done! And no its not your issue to fix...your mother has the issue! And the 3rd person thing...so get you there! Except my mother often talked thro our cats

So pleased you have turned a corner Myfairone. Great news.

Ally, did she "miouw" and ask for "whiskers" at all or was it all just about what a rotten daughter you were?

Myfairone...you may still have down days tho...but sounds as if you have taken a new fork in your life path ;) (too much psychotherpy me!)

Pages...generally, in a cats voice, kind of almost miowy kind of voice, 'oh your so mean to mummy'. That sort of thing. And memorably I always got valentines/birthday/easter/christmas cards from them and the dog, rabbits, gerbils, hamster, fish, frogs in pond (I kid you not). All classed as 'normal' behaviour but she got all bothered if you said you had mentioned it to anyone else

Ally, I know its not funny but I'm laughing about your cards!

Well today my Mum called me to tell me she was at the local shopping centre (Which is maybe 10minutes from my home)....she didn't ask to come around (but normally would have done a 'pop in' on her way home).

She texted me when she got home to tell me that she loves me and 'you will always be my baby'....I'm trying to work out the meaning behind it.

Its like she cannot accept that I have grown up isnt it? Its like shes finding it hard to accept that I have a baby now. I don't know. Im trying not to over think it.

Thanks for all the comments and yes I do feel like maybe I have turned a corner or at least on my way. I kept myself busy today so that I didn't have to dwell on it.

Big hugs to all.

I think that's quite nice of your mum and I wouldn't see it as negative at all. I would have been over the moon if my mother had done anything like that, but my mother has never used language like that with me.

I think she is just letting you know that she still cares.

She is entitled to carry on thinking of you how she wishes but it's up to you to establish and maintain the boundaries.

Sounds like she has got the message and that was a kind of apology.

I wouldn't read too much into " you are still my baby"- I think that about my kids who are now 21 and 18- and you will too, when your baby is older!

Maybe your mum has been agonising herself - I would interpret that text as "Sorry I can't help myself sometimes". Not trying to excuse her behaviour in anyway, just saw this thread today and can't imagine anything worse. Sounds to me like she can't believe you can cope on your own with a new baby. My MIL was a bit like that when my first dc was born. We weren't even living in the same country, but she was straight on the Eurostar and at my hospital bedside when dd arrived (just couldn't wait to be invited - never mind what I wanted). I think your mum's reaction a few days ago - going out when you said you were popping round - was her saying "Well if you think you can cope without me let's see if you can". If she hasn't mentioned it again I probably wouldn't bring it up - but that's just me. But if she ever does raise the subject (and I imagine she will) I would be stern with her - better if it comes from you than dh. In answer to her third person comments about Grandad I would say "Well why doesn't he come and see us then?" Have you thought of talking to your dad - he may be sympathetic. Finally, on the subject of Christmas, now is the perfect opportunity to start a tradition of your own family Christmas - one of the great benefits of having your own kids imo.

Just had another thought, you don't mention your dad - is he of the old-fashioned school that says babies are best left to womenfolk - "That's your mum's department" etc. If so, that might explain her reaction to DH - she just doesn't expect him to want to be involved. Still no reason to behave as she did, but I think if you can understand what motivates her it might help you find the best approach to resolving things between you all.

Thanks ladies, I thought about it and do see the text as being a way of saying that she is sorry and that this may be finally behind us.

Of course Dh is still mad as all hell over it and I don't see that situation resolving itself anytime soon..but thats between those two and I will not get dragged into it.

My Dad was very excited about his first grandchild but since the argument he has really taken a step back. I did call him the other day but he gave me the impression that he did not want to talk about it. Again he says a lot but isnt a big talker when it comes to emotional issues. He is one of these people that will always say 'ask your mother'! She has dominated that relationship too, but it works for them.

I am just trying to let the dust settle and I plan on trying to carry on as normal. There are a whole new set of boundaries now that may work out better in the long run. Its hard to see it now but fingers crossed I can look back on my sons birth and not think of all this upset!

Thanks again for the support...it really has helped me.