Parents! Desperately need advice...feel so sad

[Myfairone]

Long story short I gave birth to my son 3 weeks ago. Before the birth I was very close to my parents (only child) and my Mum was very involved in my pregnancy (came to every midwife appt etc). She had assumed that she would be present at the delivery and I found it very hard to tell her that DH and I wanted to do it alone.

On the day of the birth she arrived at the hospital and proceeded to 'get involved'. DH and I were very uncomfortable and Dh asked her if she would mind letting us do it alone as a couple. SHe stormed out and things havent been the same since.

DH and my Mum had a huge argument (she said that DH kept taking the baby from her!) and Dh just let it all out and brought up how she was interfering in our relationship. It went from bad to worse and now we are at the stage where my parents do not come to my house and so it leaves me in the middle.

I am so low right now and really feel that this is a ridiculous situation. I have been put in the middle and if I do not make the effort to take my LO to see them then they won't get to see him at all.

I called today to say I would take him over there and my parents said they are going out.

I feel so sad and so down and I'm petrified that Im going to get depressed. I keep crying and I cannot get the situation out of my mind.

Any words of advice would be much appreciated. I feel in the middle and I feel like I'm the only one trying. My Mum always makes me feel so guilty about everything. When she said they were going out today she had to add in that they were expecting me this morning...thing is, i cant get myself together enough to get out of hte house before lunch!

I'm sorry this is a long post but I feel better for writing it.

Yeah - it's their loss if they don't want to get involved even if you are being reasonable about it.

Mine don't see my kids at all because of certain issues they have with us.

I have tried lots of times and sent them loads of piccies and invites.

I don't feel guilty at all - bet i bet they do.

Oh I really feel for you Myfairone. I'm an only child too and my relationship with my parents has suffered since I had my children. My Dad especially finds it hard to accept I'm an adult, I'm the parent and he's not in charge anymore. I live 250 miles away from them so we don't have issues of over involvement but it's stiflingly over intense when they visit!

You've had some great advice on here, stick to your guns. It does get easier as the lo's get older, your parents will eventually get used to the new status quo and accept that you're in charge.

The advice that I am getting here seems to be spot on...do you know my parents?

Its nice to know that I am not alone in this.

As one of you pointed out, I tried to take him round there yesterday afternoon but they decided to go out. So I guess I shouldn't feel bad. Its just that my Mum tried to make me feel guilty that my father hasn't seen the baby. But, if they choose to go out then theres nothing I can do about it is there?

My Mums final words to my DH were 'Im finished with you'! (that was just before she stormed out of my house crying)...so he is taking the position that she is done with him and doesn't want to resolve it. She will now not talk about it, so we are at a stalemate. As for what my father thinks, I have no idea. He hasn't even attempted to talk about it...My family are incredibly uncommunicative when it comes to dealing with conflict, but seem to be able to say a lot about everything else!

My Mum has always been incredibly manipulative, using the third person as a tool. SO for example, she will say 'your father is dissapointed, or your father is upset' when what she actually means is that she is upset. Its been like this my whole life but it seems to be even more noticeable now that my son has arrived and she is unable to control me as much.

I can see DH's frustration and he has definitely held his tongue over the years.

I need to concentrate on my family now and I hope that over time my feelings of guilt will subside and I can spend less time thinking about it.

Thanks again ladies. I really appreciate your input and definitely didn't expect this much support...At a time when I felt really lonely you were there for me, so thank you.

Myfairone, your story definitely has echoes for me. I'm very close to my mother, was really looking forward to her being a Grandma to ds. And she was very supportive throughout my pregnancy.

But when ds was born... she was AWFUL to me and dh, said some terrible things, particularly to dh. Stormed out of the house in the end. I couldn't believe it.

We patched things up in the end and within six months it was fine-ish. A few months further on and almost back to normal. I don't think I'll ever forget quite how mad she was, though.

Sorry, meant to say, so there is hope for you. But don't run around trying to do what they want or second-guessing them. Just give yourself some space.

Mcedam - i am so shellshocked at it all. i never expected this in a million years. you are right though because i am trying to keep the peace and running around..just have to relax and let it be.

thank you

I know what you mean, was a huge shock. We are a very close family and I'd expected ds, the first grandchild, to be surrounded with love. And welcomed as the next generation to carry on the family story, if that doesn't sound too twee.

Still hurts a bit but I've kind of put it away in a box marked 'do not open' in order to have a relationship with my mother. This is four years later, though. Was about six months before we spoke because I just couldn't deal with her while ds needed all my energy and attention.

Sooo my suggestion would be to give yourself as long as you need just to get to grips with motherhood before trying to deal with your own parents.

Absolutely, Myfairone. It's not like you're stopping them from seeing your child, is it? They'll come round once they've got over their sulk. Tantrums and sulks are best ignored in children and once they realise they're not getting anywhere, they start behaving.

I can understand how if your mum was interfering, muscling in etc DH was uncomfortable with her holding the baby. It's kind of symbolic. I'd feel the same way if I were in that situation. It's all in the context, isn't it?

Please enjoy this time with your DH and little baby. It's you three who are important just now. I'm shocked at your mother's behaviour. Maybe show her this thread!

Totally understand the feeling of shellshock and not expecting this to happen - a life changing event/argument happened to me last year which has resulted in me and my previously "close" mother not speaking for over a year now. There is a long thread about it but others on my thread mentioned that projection of their mother's thoughts and feelings onto someone else ("Your dad is upset", etc) so you are not alone there.

This may have seemed like a bolt out of the blue but it is probably a big boil that has been waiting to burst for some time. Your mother has always been manipulative (as has mine) and has been competing with your DH for your affection and now she sees he has won and is trying to punish him through you. It is pathetic, childish behaviour but it has popped up now because it needs to be addressed - by you standing firm and refusing to put up with her tantrum.

McEdam, I just dont understand her attitude at all.

What I didnt make clear was that this started because my parents had been here every day since LO was born (and came into the delivery room 10 minutes after the birth!)...DH had been out at a meeting for 4 hours and when he returned home he asked to hold his son and thats when my Mum kicked off saying that he always takes the baby off of her....it was all so childish.

So yesterday I offered to take him over to their house and they chose to go out. I spoke to my parents this morning (conversation is very difficult because I just don't feel the same and wish that we could all talk about it instead of ignoring it)...my Mum said that they are in all day and then asked what I was doing today.

I do not want to take him there today because it doesn't suit me. DH is home and wants to spend time with him, plus its raining and I really don't see why I need to drag my tired butt over there because it suits them today....oh dear, do I sound bitter?

I just hope that time helps with this. I hate having to think about it all the time! Wish I could turn my brain off. Because I cant talk to them about it I seem to be having conversations in my head about what I would say.....

Pages- We crossed posts there, sorry. You are so right about projecting feelings..my Mum is an expert. I recognise when she is doing it because she always refers to my Dad as Daddy when she does it! As in, 'Your Daddy is so upset'!

I am ashamed to tell you how old I am too....Im not a young woman and cannot believe that all my life this has been how my relationship with them has been conducted.

You are right though, this has been an underlying problem for a while. DH has bitten his tongue because he didnt want to cause problems but now its all out in the open and Mum is really struggling with it. There are tons of examples that I could give but I am starting to realise that she has been competing with him for my affections and I never noticed it before....how blind you can be huh?!

Just wish it hadn't surfaced on day 2 of my sons birth!

I am not young either, Myfairone and I have only relatively recently had my "awakening" but it has changed my life a million times for the better once I had properly separated from my mother.

I had all those conversations in my head too for weeks (like yours my mother refused to discuss things). Try and tell yourself you will allow yourself 10 minutes a day to think about it and then make yourself switch off after that. Try and distract yourself and line up some nice "mother and baby" things to do in the next few weeks and see friends or women from your ante natal groups. Try and see your mother on a day that suits you both, to show that you are not shutting her out, and try not to let this thing get too big, but keep the boundaries in place.

All easy to say, I know. Your parents have been over-involved for far too long, and if your DH kept quiet all that time it's no wonder he snapped in the end. You are used to appeasing your mother and giving in to her guilt trips. But you don't need your mother's approval to get on with your life - you have your own family now. If she sees you are calmly keeping the boundaries up, but refusing to play her games, she will have no option but to do things your way if she wants to have a relationship with any of you - and I'm sure she does.

If it helps to have a look, the thread I started is called "my mother has cut me out of her life", but it is long - be warned!!

Myfairone - congrats on your ds!! Hope you're OK! Can't really say anything helpful to you - except you make your rules now - if anyone doesn't like it, then tough, they don't see you!
Your mother wants you to do everything to suit her, no matter how inconvenient it is for you or your ds. DON'T let her!!
If they don't see you, it really is their loss.
As this is your first baby, the first 6 weeks are the hardest - you are vulnerable and you know what is best for you deep down, but the way you have been conditioned is to doubt yourself - probably the fact that your mother was so "involved" when you were pg has made it worse - I am guessing you feel like you are the baddy by shutting them out, not having "open house"/free for all interference. You aren't! Please, please believe that in a few weeks, you WILL feel stronger, super confident and then hopefully your mother won't try and bully you, nor will anyone else.
It's good that your DH is supportive.
I have so many issues with my mother, I would crash the servers with the biggest ever post I think, so I won't say what she has done, just to say that if your mother is behaving like this now and you don't stand up to her, then you will end up being controlled and pushed around to suit them, which will ultimately end up in you being ill, your relationship with dh will suffer, and you will think it is all "your fault". It isn't!!

How about having a bank holiday bbq if the weather's ok or "baby welcome" day at your home in a couple of weeks if you're up to it? Invite your parents, friends, other nice relatives etc, the men can do the bbq / get people to bring some food and drink so you don't have to do anything, just sit around and relax. Make sure not to invite people who will play "pass the parcel with the baby", or you'll end up with a confused screaming baby all night!
Then if she still tries to manipulate you eg "it's not convenient" blah blah, not coming cos there's a "y" in the day etc, then go ahead without her and you will see that the people who make the effort to come (and do all the food etc ha ha) are the ones that you need around you - not a "toxic" parent!!
After the bbq you insist no one visits you until a certain date to give you time alone (halloween would be long enough!!), then you'll have the fun of deciding what to do for xmas!! Again, it seems far off, but you need to decide soon, as what you do now you have your own family, will be a BIG issue with this year, believe me!! Do what YOU want, not what you think you SHOULD do!!
This may sound terrifying to do at the moment, but you will not be "struck by lightning" or anything by telling your mother to back off. It is hard, but you will respect yourself for doing it and not giving in to her.

Please post on here for support, I could not have got this far without this site - it really is a lifeline when you feel low. There's always someone to support you on here.

Charlene and Pages, thank you so much. I am laughing to myself because as I logged on I was once again having 'one of those chats in my head' about what I would say if she said so and so...it seems like an endless treadmill of thoughts in my mind. Thank you for the 10 minutes per day tip!

I have been controlled by her for far too long and having my baby has really been a wake up call. I know its hard for them to adjust but I do have trouble putting me first. The guilt has always been such a huge part of my life without even realising.

I am currently waiting for the conversation where my Mum tells me 'daddy is upset because he hasnt seen the baby'....so now im getting prepared to say that I have offered and they chose to go out. I dont want to be argumentative or confrontational but they do need to realise that my family have to come first now.

Charlene, I have been thinking about Christmas already and its something else I can dread! In past years I have had to drag myself to my aunts house (2 hours away) and stay there for uncomfortable nights on end. Last year my DH dared to suggest we only go for the day and it caused a real problem. When he took us off to the pub that too was frowned upon! He has already stated that this year we are not going and I am sighing with relief because I too do not want to go but have never had the guts to stand up for what I want...I know its going to cause problems because guilt will be piled on me and the 'disapointment' will be heaped on me too...but all that said, I have a family now and I need to start acting like a grown up!

Thanks again ladies....I really appreciate it and Pages, Im off to read your thread..

myfairone lay your stall out now fro christmas, just say you want to spend your first christmas as a family at home alone. It will be easier if you say it now and dont let anyone talk you into anything else.

your mother sunds a bit overbearing and irrational, but hopefully you can make things up with her.

Anytime! Glad you're ok.

I'm having a really low day today. For some reason I got into it with my DH while trying to talk to him about how weird I feel when talking to my Mum. He is so angry about it all and has had a huge argument with me telling me that he doesn't want me to take the baby to them but also will not allow them to come here.

I am totally stuck in teh middle and feel so desperately sad about it. I cannot stop crying and now a friend has suggested I may have PND. I so didnt see my life going this way when I had my son. I feel like its all gone so terribly wrong.

My fairone, i am sorry you are having such a bad day today. Why is your hubby adamant that your parents cannot see the LO, or have i misread that? This is a very sad situation and bound to be getting you down. I know how it can be with interfering parents. You just have to be firm, but do try and encourage contact, keep it short, that way you can bite your tongue over all those "helpful" comments.

I think you should talk to your doctor, if your friend has suggested PND, she must have a reason for this. Do not do what i did and struggle on with your head in the sand, it has nearly wrecked my marriage and i could have got the help i needed ages ago. You are bound to be feeling all over the place with the LO being so young, dont be too hard on yourself though. I'm sure your mum will come round, your DS will be too adorable for her not to

Can't quite believe your Mum is loading all this onto you so soon after you've given birth. You should be taking it easy and concentrating on you and your son, not having to deal with all this.

I think you have to give your Mum space to realise how much she is missing out by being so stubborn. It can't be put right straight away, and if you chase after her she'll have 'won', which seems to be what she usually gets.

It sounds like your DH was trying to protect you by being your gatekeeper, but there's a side order of resentment in there now. He needs to let this go, as it's just going to add to your anxiety. He must realise that just at the moment he is not important and he can be the bigger man by making your life easier and not adding another level of stress.

He doesn't have to be 'close' to your Mum, but he needs to be polite and cordial and cool down... no matter how much it might irritate him.

I beg to differ- you might have PND OR you might just be emotional and exhausted. I was exhausted for 6 months after both my babies (now at uni!) were born, as they didn't sleep through the night til they were 6 months- at one visit to my parents (who lived 250 miles away) I said I was never going back- huge row- as they were very inconsiderate and woke the baby with their noise!
You could well be emotionally fragile. I somethimes think that thinking- and half-expecting PND -can bring on those feelings of helplessness.

Look at it this way- unless your husband actually bars their way, he cannot prevent your parents visiting if you want them to- you have a right to say and have what you want, as much as he does. Why is he being so obstructive?

A new baby is supposed to bring joy and happiness- make sure he knows that. He can control the situation much more if it is on home territory, so do keep suggesting that you invite them over- and just do it! But make sure they know for how long they can stay- a time limit. If you make this the plan- that they will only visit by invitation- it will set the scene.

I know it's hard when you are tired, but make a stand. if you want them to come- do so.

Poor you, still all stuck in the middle.

Are you seeing your friends quite frequently? It's good that you've got some non-family support when things are so stressful, I think.

Are you getting any chance to gaze in adoration at your baby at all or do you feel too overwhelmed and sad? If the latter, can you have a chat with your health visitor or GP maybe? I think a bit of you needs to get slightly kick ass defiant and say "I will not let anyone or anything spoil this time with my brand new beautiful son." If you can't yet, which is very common at this stage even when you're not feeling pressured from all angles familywise, then keep an eye, talk to the health visitor and work on it. I still think there's lots of hope that everyone will come round, especially once they see that their ridiculous shennanigans are as nothing to you because you have an amazing fantastico of a baby and are concentrating on him.

I totally sympathise with you, my mum is totally manipulative and controlling, when my eldest dd was born she called her "my firstborn", and tried to completely take over and was always trying to hold her/take her off me and dh/ and was competelely OTT about how much she wanted to see dd etc. We ended up having a massive bust up when dd was eight months and my dh dared to say he didnt care if dd went to university (LOL we were even discussing this, at mothers instigation, at that time!!) - she went completely beserk and said if that was the case we needed to be careful dd didnt end up on drugs!!! The whole thing was completely bizarre and quite scary to be honest, and resulted in ten months of no contact at all. They have never mentioned this since, and it was only resolved by my efforts, not theirs, so I wonder even now what would have happened if I had just left things alone... The weird thing is they are totally the opposite with their newest granddaughter, so much so I now feel quite hurt at their distance from her/me, but I think they are scared they will go OTT again and have overcompensated. To cut a long story short they are both nightmare parents to this day, but fab grandparents now, and I still angst about them regularly!!! The important thing is to remember your family is your dh and your LO now, not them, maybe that is the problem, do they feel threatened and scared they will lose their place in your life. If so, they just need gently manoevering into a new way of relating to you, it can be done given time I'm sure. I hope you are comforted to see how many others share some/all of your difficulties, and that there is a way out, given time.

I am more than comforted to see that others have experienced this situation. I think that my problem right now is that I am trying to 'fix' things and its too soon. My DH is hurt and angry and was trying to protect me from the usual 'guilt trips' that my Mother regulary sends me on.

I have called my Mum and the conversation is stilted and awkward. She has really stepped back and hasn't called me at all and is waiting for me to make the first move. Even this in itself is manipulative behaviour I feel...she seems to have adopted a tone which suggests she is hurt/sad/upset but is not about to bring the subject up.

I had a huge argument with DH today which hasn't helped. He just gets so angry every time we talk about it and needs to realise that I am in the middle with all this.

I wish I could turn off my thoughts and just enjoy my new born beautiful son. I am sure he thinks its weird that Mummy cries all the time!

Don't get sucked into her game.

Set a time aside when you feel calmer- make that phone call to her- don't allow her to stay silent and resentful- say you need to speak to her about and say it is upsetting you. Don't know if you are breast feeding, but stress can affect your milk production and you don't need that as well.

Tell her exactly what you have said here- that you want to see her and let her see the baby, but that you need time and space together as a family over these first few weeks/months. Say you are not going to accept her sulkiness and that she has to understand you are a tired new Mum. Say youare sorry you have all got off to a bad start, but as from now you will start again, and try to arrange a time for her to visit. If you do all of that and she still sulks, well, you have done your best.

Have you tried to write down how you feel for your DH read or even allow him to read what you have written here so that he can understand how you are feeling.

I don't think he is being a bully towards you, but is trying protect you and his son. He see how much your parents are upsetting you.

But he needs to understand that as well as protecting you needs not to support you and not cause you more stress.