I think I just blew up our life...

[lborgia]

I’ve been trying to think rationally about this all day, but going around in circles. My SIL has been really difficult since before I even really knew her, and DH acknowledges her many batshit moves, and my other SIL is just plain off. Much of this comes from their parents who thinks only son is just the bees knees (I don’t think this btw), and I’ve got the fallout from their uneven ..affection? Every family get together is a nightmare, and yet again christmas planning has turned into a problem. My issue today is that I finally snapped. After 20 years, I actually emailed her what I thought, and, as she had written and cc’d in her parents, and the other sister, and their husbands, as well as mine, it went to them too. I immediately wrote again to apologise for being rude, but admitting it was the truth, but I was just so distressed I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to keep it to myself. DH and I are having a tough time anyway, and we have many kid issues etc, we need to keep our sanity, but he is terrified that I’ve irretrievably damaged everything, and he is definitely of the “suck it up and pretend their not there” if they’re being awful. I know I have a DH problem, but at this moment, what would you do? More emails?, leave them to it?, wait for someone else to get in touch? I am so upset that she has been a miserable shadow over the last 20 years, and even more upset that now I’m the cow because I’ve been rude.

Perhaps you should have done this earlier, this is what happens when you bottle things up. Don’t be in a rush to get back to the status quo, use your unfiltered honestly to your advantage and stop dancing to their tune.

Leave them to it. Tell your dh yearsof this has left you having enough with his family and he can sort it

Leave it. What's done is done and you can't take back what you said. I'd plan for a Christmas without seeing them.

Definitely no more emails. It's always a bad way of communicating when there are strong emotions.
Your DH sounds like a wimp, sorry. I really doubt this will ruin your life for ever just because of one argument. What exactly did you say?

DH wants to call people to see what is going on, but I said that if I ever hear that he has apologised on my behalf I will string him up. If I ever wanted to do any kind of apologising it will be by me, if I think it’s necessary. I did say that he should give PILs an opportunity to go to SIL for christmas instead of ours (this was the blow up, I was “handled” into inviting DIL to christmas because she hadn’t got a better offer, and then she declined but in a really ... obnoxious way, in front of way more people than necessary). I know that ultimately she wanted parents to herself, and now she will probably get this, which sucks for my kids, but I’d rather just not have them sitting there feeling guilty. Or leaving at 1.30pm to go on to them.

Well done you! I wish I was that brave 😐.

And now you can have a bloody decent Christmas!!
Win win.

I put my foot down years ago after one too many years of having the piss taken and being expected to fund and entertain entire xmases.

Now we welcome people between 11 and 12 for drinks and a get together and then after that it's just us.

Don't be doing with the fuss and hassle op.
Now you've made it clear let them get in with it

My MIL spoke to DH same day as me, but didn’t tell me that SIL was fishing for christmas plans as theirs hadn’t come to anything. MIL obviously wanted to invite SIL to ours, which would’ve been fine if she had called me, and told me straight, but she told DH, who tried to finesse the whole thing (because both of them know what SIL was actually up to/is like). I couldn’t bring myself to do a whole “hey Sis, I’ve no idea what you’re up to at Christmas, but fancy coming to ours with your parents” because it would’ve been ridiculous when she knows what was actually happening. I DID however, spend ages writing a really nice email to all those who will be there suggesting a lunch time, what we would have, and giving some idea of what we could do etc .. withplenty of room for “happy to go with the flow” type stuff. There was nothing PA, rude, confrontational, anything about it, and it was just about her not wanting what was offered. A bit of a flounce if you will. In the past she has pulled off some amazing stunts, such as getting everyone together for a few nibbles the week before our turn to host, and actually laying on the full works, so I was essentially repeating it the following week. Another time she organised a lunch, but only invited us a few days before, and only when we got there discovered that everyone else was bringing their presents to hand out, were dressed up etc etc... this is just to give you context, going back through it isn’t great, but explains why today was that day.

Thanks for all the responses - essentially these are my only family really, in a day to day way, and they have their issues (we’re fully up to speed on dodgy secrets that I wish I didn’t know about most of them, gaslighting, all sorts), but I am very fond of my MIL, and without her I’d have been sectioned years ago (possibly assisted by her daughters!). She is part of the issue though, andI’m seeing her through new eyes, which is also odd after decades.

Does your MIL always come to yours

No, one year all hte children are with DH’s sisters, and those years we all do something together, whether at MIL’s, mine, or occasionally SIL who lives further away. The other year, when their children are away, they go to their respective husbands families, and we usually invite the PILs to ours. Those are the years when we get the extra special early christmas gatherings that are so much fun... and make our Christmas a bit of a waste of energy (I’m getting jaded, it’s still great of course).

You’ve been a truth bomb, which is a gift to everyone, even though it might appear in disguise at the moment.

People make their lives unhappy and ultimately make themselves ill by allowing, even feeding the elephant in the room. If you doubt this statement read the brilliantly researched The Body Keeps The Score.
Your SIL was no doubt done wrong by not being the golden child, but as an adult herself now she would be doing herself a favour by stepping away from survival strategies honed in her youth.
Nobody is free to be happy or fully express themselves if their habitual response is a reaction to unpleasant feelings of rejection a a child.
Calling her out, instead of tiptoeing round her hands her the potential to reclaim her power in the situation, which is that of an adult to :
Place the blame where it lies

And

Actually do the things she wants to do, not just react from a wounded place. By which I mean It’s not the action of a happy , freed up person to think “ How can I best shit on DB and SIL this Christmas “ when she could be thinking “ What do i fancy doing for Christmas? I’ve always wanted to be on a Caribbean beach for sunset on Christmas Eve “ our whatever.

So you can apologise if you were sweary or name called, but don’t apologise for bringing the truth into the room. Truth heals, though it may take a long route.

I’m going to suggest to DH that I”m a gift bomb for everyone.. one day. Thanks so much Ohyes that was a really helpful post too. It was more that now her plans had fallen through she wanted to invite parents over. We were just in the way. I know I only came on here for validation, but it is hard to explain the freak out attached to being the one who lights the touch paper. I truly wouldn't care if it didn’t feed into all our other personal problems, and I remember laughing (in a hollow fashion) a few years ago to say that if DH and I ever got divorced it would be SIL that caused it. Not that she would have that power, but in a “don’t test my faith” sort of way, DH having such a hard time with all this is very unnerving. We’ve got to get one very ill child much better before we have room to fall apart. And I”ll be damned if I’ll give her the satisfaction of being a catalyst!

My SiL and I have been NC since 2002 and I have to say its worked out very well all round. Sending you best wishes OP.

I read the original post several times and I still don't understand what your DHs sister did? Apologies for being thick.

she’s good like that! In an email that she choose to send to many family members, she declined our christmas plans, after her mother, and my husband, had worked out some kind of rescue plan for her because her plans had fallen through. This, by itself, is no big deal,, but the way she put it, and the previous decades of manipulation and putting me through the ringer, meant that I called her on her actions (large audience, saying she’d spent many many hours deliberating on whether to accept our offer, and in the end would decline because she didn’t want to cause us any problems, when the only problem was her getting other people involved/trying to manipulate outcomes).. I’m relieved that most posters got it without my having to explain too much, because it’s one of those gaslighting things that sounds like almost nothing but you know exactly what she’s actually trying to achieve. Does any of that make sense?!

I saw the light 15 years ago when I stood up to my controlling sil. (Csil). I was ostracised from the rest of the (in-laws) family, decided not to feed her fire and let them get on with it. Husband visited them on his own (compartmentalising) whilst I stepped away. Eventually second sil (married to H’s brother) got the full blast from Csil and was physically attacked. My stance was validated, I held them all at arm’s length but steered my ship intelligently by not asking H to choose. He eventually worked out for himself his batshit sister’s game when he started bearing brunt of her twatishness. We now have ailing parents to care for. I do not engage but support from the sidelines.

I feel your pain. My relief of going ‘no contact’ far outweighed the stress of appeasement. Christmases with them excluded have been peaceful and stress-free.

Dishing I’m intrigued, how does this work practically? I went through a period of staying out of the way, but couldn’t deal with DH’s disappointment in the end (plus the “we missed you at the very important event” comments from FIL, and others).

“Slug” that sounds pretty dramatic, must’ve felt vindicated, even though it was awful to be right. I find it so weird that DH has this “family at any cost” mentality, when parents were so neglectful in some pretty big ways, and SILs are so difficult. I think my main issue is that I am pathologically truthful, so the passive aggression, and skeletons in the cupboard etc, actually make me feel unwell. I know being ridiculously honest is not a great attribute, but this is the exact opposite. The twists and turns and whispers do my head in.

I managed, years later, with great skill to open my doors to pil who were incapable of acknowledging their part in allowing their (golden child) to rule the whole family. I did this for my husband - not for them.

Following the batshit behaviour towards other (nice) nsil, the scales fell from their eyes and our relationship with them now flourishes but we keep our family christmases within our own families. Csil is now excluded from all of our lives apart from communications regarding their parents. I do not engage with her but help indirectly. She will never change her toxicity - I chose after decades to put her out of my life.

Husband manages all dealings with her as and when. We eventually managed our relationship with his family on our terms. She seethes and bad-mouthes us to others (it gets back to us) but we ignore therefore not feeding her fire. It has taken years for me to ‘not care’ but I managed.

I don't blame you to be honest. I'd just leave the entire situation alone now unless you are contacted.

I get it now. I see what you mean by the somewhat subtle gaslighting. It's good you spoke up once and for all!

Which one in their family is the golden child?

Sometimes you have to speak up. I did to some of my exH relatives after they started some hate campaign because I am from another country. Best thing I ever did.

Regarding ‘running the gauntlet’ to apologise. I was of the same mind when my ‘fall-out’ occurred. Husband was quite happy for me to do this to ‘keep the peace’. I thought about it long and hard and came to the conclusion that I would have been dishonest to myself and open the gates to more toxic abuse from her/them all. I told H I was sorry to have caused the upset but was standing firm because I thought I was right and wasn’t prepared to allow her/them to ride rough-shod over me and my feelings in perpetuity.

Years later my Nsil commended my ‘nerves of steel’ and told me of decades of shite that Csil had been peddling. I am so pleased she is not in my life. My mental health suffered but I was strong enough to overcome her/their shenanigans. I cannot be in the same room as her now. If our paths cross I quietly leave the room. H respected my stance but ‘compartmentalised‘ them and ‘us’. My own adult children have made up their own minds and are respectfully non-comittal. They know the score. They have relationships with their cousins on their uncle’s side but not on their Aunty’s. Csil’s family are unpleasant and totally under their mother’s thumb - most probably due to their mother’s controlling toxicity. Nsil supports her husband but her involvement in ‘our’ in-laws are for his benefit not theirs. When pil who are now demented and in care are longer with us - toxic Csil will be on her own.

I've had to say no to my in laws this Xmas. They are not happy about it. I am a bit tired of doing Xmas dinner for 21 people and me and dp do not ever get an invite to theirs. Now my DCs have moved out I am going to try and have a quiet Xmas. Good luck op and I love truthfulness it's rare in this country. Don't give in.