I think I just blew up our life...

[lborgia]

I’ve been trying to think rationally about this all day, but going around in circles. My SIL has been really difficult since before I even really knew her, and DH acknowledges her many batshit moves, and my other SIL is just plain off. Much of this comes from their parents who thinks only son is just the bees knees (I don’t think this btw), and I’ve got the fallout from their uneven ..affection? Every family get together is a nightmare, and yet again christmas planning has turned into a problem. My issue today is that I finally snapped. After 20 years, I actually emailed her what I thought, and, as she had written and cc’d in her parents, and the other sister, and their husbands, as well as mine, it went to them too. I immediately wrote again to apologise for being rude, but admitting it was the truth, but I was just so distressed I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to keep it to myself. DH and I are having a tough time anyway, and we have many kid issues etc, we need to keep our sanity, but he is terrified that I’ve irretrievably damaged everything, and he is definitely of the “suck it up and pretend their not there” if they’re being awful. I know I have a DH problem, but at this moment, what would you do? More emails?, leave them to it?, wait for someone else to get in touch? I am so upset that she has been a miserable shadow over the last 20 years, and even more upset that now I’m the cow because I’ve been rude.

You lasted two years longer than me . I finally blew up after eighteen years and it was the best thing I've ever done. It did damage the relationship but was much healthier for my family.

I find it so weird that DH has this “family at any cost” mentality, when parents were so neglectful in some pretty big ways, and SILs are so difficult

Then he is very much part of the problem and see someone professionally.

I get flustered when someone tries to cause a fight or an argument with me. I only think of the right reply the next day. I avoid rows like the plague.
I have spent years biting my lip & staying quiet, so as not to cause a row, not to rock the boat. Until someone tried to walk all over me at a time when I was just... done.

My response was " I won't do that. Don't ask me again."
No drama. No fuss. Simple. Truthful.
And the look of shock on their face will last me a long time.

The truth shall set ye free. It does. Not delivered in anger, or spitefully. Just calmly, and clearly. This was such a revelation to me.

You have done this, so have the courage of your convictions.

Your only response in the future should be - "Don't involve me any more. I don't want or need the drama".

My SiL and I have been NC since 2002 and I have to say its worked out very well all round

Same, and like you it's quite marvellous.
She wasn't a likeable person anyway and happily doesn't live locally so being NC works well. She doesn't speak to DH much other than the odd text and he occasionally sees her when he visits MIL.

I don't have much to do with most of DH's family tbh. A good portion of them are racists and batshit.

The wheels of time turn full circle. H and I are now negotiating christmases with our own two sons both living at opposite ends of the country. Along with their respective in-laws - it’s impossible to keep everyone together/happy. We take our turn and do not expect ‘us’ to be first in line. We maintain our house is open but “please let us know your plans” so we can make ours. We had a little blip this year as one son and his partner made their own arrangements without informing us which ruffled feathers. By all means make plans but communicate so we all know in order that we can make ours.

We smoothed things over and with a bit of re-juggling we are managing to all be together on Boxing Day. If I had my way I’d be off somewhere hot and return when it’s over but H loves the ‘family Christmas’ vibe.

Do nothing. Let them have their fits and squabbles together alone. Shut it down fast if anyone, including DH, tries to tell you about their whining. Cut across them mid-sentence. "Stop. I don't want to hear about it. Let's talk about dinner instead. Shall we have lasagne?"

Thank you, thank you, thank you, I'm so relieved I posted. I do have a brilliant psych, but she always thinks I'm handling everything brilliantly, so am sometimes worried she's just part of my echo chamber

DH finished our conversation by saying he wanted to say a couple of things but because I would probably think they were supporting SIL, he didn't feel "safe" expressing him self. Because I'd be angry. I told him we were done, and to fuck off.

He said can we go and taking to my psychologist, to which I agreed.

Back to co-existing for another day.. but things have tangibly changed, and I do feel a little more peaceful today.

Don't go back on any of it. It sounds like it was well over due. Tell your DH you are going to focus on what you want to do, for Christmas and in life, and everyone else can go whistle. Including him.

OP good for you. I have done similar before with certain in laws. Over text and not so immediately public but word spread quickly. I immediately felt guilty and full of regret but it has worked out well in the end and they now know my limits.

So the NC SiL is my Husband's brother's wife. Husband occasionally visits that side of the family on his own, without our DC, because in-laws are toxic and I would not allow them near the DC - but I think ILs prefer it to be honest. If we are invited to joint family events, they speak to H but not me or our DCs.