Finding my friend too much

[Jadex1]

I'm maybe being harsh but it's just a feeling I get. When we were younger she was sadly bullied quite a lot, as was I.

She used to say 'i'll never get a boyfriend' and stuff like that. But now today, she's doing really well for herself, and she's got a good job, bought a nice house, engaged etc.
I feel like she's happy, which is great and I am for her too, but sometimes I feel like she rushes into this role whenever I have had a problem with a man or something and it has created a strange dynamic.

She likes to tell me I have got 'no confidence' and I feel like she can be very patronising and gives an impression of 'i'm engaged so I must be an expert on relationships'.

However sometimes, she will make fun of me or ignore me in group gatherings. I used to use my bag as a purse and a bag in one and she commented behind my back that it 'annoyed her' even though it doesn't affect her in any shape or form.

I helped her cook something at her house. I can be a little clumsy sometimes but I tried my best and I did it well. I invited her over to mine and she went "oh, you can cook me something ! In a really sarcastic way, then said 'no i'm joking".

Once she woke us up being sick at 3am and I got out of bed and went to help her and rubbed her back. The next day she was laughing to the other girls about me saying' why did i rub her back '🙄

I haven't had great luck with men but it doesnt define me. I do appreciate her advice a lot but I feel she's defined me as some kind of bridget Jones figure who has' no confidence' and puts on a pity party.

I want her to know that I am confident, doing well in life, happy as I am and i'm just tired of getting this smug feeling from her and then occasional bitchiness.

Can anyone make sense of this and what would you do ? I guess it makes her feel important.

She's not your friend, she doesn't sound like she likes you at all.

Don't allow yourself to be treated like shit. Just block the bitch from your life.

She doesnt sound like a nice person. What does she bring to your life?

She's a Frenemie. No one needs enemies when you have a friend like her.

You sound lovely OP. She seems to know exactly which button to push to make you feel inadequate, then she's a cowbag to your mutual friends about you behind your back. She enjoys feeling superior to you.

You be you. You sound like a great person to be from what you've said in your post. Ignore her crap, when she pulls it around you - call her out on it. When you hear it being fed back to you as you weren't there, ask your "friend" who's feeding back the gossip why they didn't call it out at the time.

Thank you for the replies. It's strange and I just cannot put my finger on it. I used to wonder if she was jealous and now that she's engaged (even though I find her partner controlling) and i've been single and had some dodgy men that it makes her feel important and above me. Human psychology is strange, but I haven't had this issue with another long-term coupled up friend at all.

Nah, sod it. She's well out of order.

I do think that sometimes if a person has been bullied and moves on, they cling onto bullying as a way to make themselves feel 'not that' anymore.

If you were both victims of bullying together and she is trying to make herself feel better by putting you down then she's a dick.

It's from a place of her having no confidence, not you. Have the confidence to tell her you don't want to take her nonsense.

Good luck.

Agree, she doesn't sound nice at all. Just don't give her the opportunity to be patronising, just be smiley but distant and have less and less to do with her. The more you don't react, the more obviously rude she will have to be, and that will just make her look ridiculous/ like a total bitch.

Just concentrate on yourself and your life.

PS - I am intrigued - what do you mean by using your bag as a bag and a purse in one?

Urgh, she sounds like the ultimate "smug married" thank gawd they aren't that common, but I've come across them too, though thankfully they have never been close friends.

I'm really sorry she's like this. You sound lovely & she really just isn't a nice person any more. You deserve much better friends

Thanks. Yeah, I do think she was insecure and that having what is considered today as the whole package :nice house, husband to be, good money etc. It's definitely given her a sense of importance.
I'm very open and i've been unlucky in love, I will talk about it but I think I will stop doing it with her.
I remember dating a guy last year and she announced to me in an amused manner 'my fiancé said he looks homeless'.
We went to school with her and she was laughing about something 'funny' that a guy had said my fashion sense was awful and that our other friend had gained a lot of weight.
I know that was back then but it's just bitchy stuff like that, I do believe she is insecure.

She isn't your friend. Ger rid. Hang out with people who make you feel good about yourself

Get* rid that should say x

She really isn't your friend, OP. Your self esteem will be really affected if you carry on meeting up with her.

Thank you. I meant that I had a compartment in my bag so I put my cards and cash in there rather than in a separate purse, just a habit I had 😂
I am going to portray an image of confidence and self-assurance to her and just stop contacting her really. I'll be polite when I see her but no more.

I agree, this woman isn't your friend. Cut her out of your life and leave her to get on with it.

She puts you down to make herself feel big. She makes fun of you. She's plain old nasty to you.

She's not your mate. She doesn't like you. She wants you around as a target.

If you're not ready to drop her entirely, stop telling her things about yourself, keep the conversation about her, give her nothing.

Shes a twat. And she probably isn't even that happy in het relationship hence why she needs to get her kicks from putting u down. Thats not a friend whatsoever. Cut her out and leave her to live her crappy life. People who behave like that are often very unhappy with their own realities.

She’s a holy horror, OP. I think you’re right, her behaviour is borne out of insecurity (always the case with people who need to make someone else feel bad in order to feel good about themselves), but that doesn’t make it less shitty.

All these bitchy, snide remarks; putting you down to your face and mocking you in front of other people, all the while maintaining the illusion of friendship to keep you slightly confused and on your toes - it’s classic bullying, and all the more despicable coming from someone who was once a victim of it herself. She’s a twat.

You sound lovely, OP, and you deserve better. She is not your friend, and your last post is absolutely the correct way to deal with her. Get rid.

Honestly, next time she says anything, I’d front her up with ‘Why are you always such a bitch/why are you always so bloody unpleasant?’ She’ll bluster because she’s come to expect you to just take her nastiness. Pp are right, she isn’t a friend.

'When we were younger she was sadly bullied quite a lot, as was I.'

It kind of sounds by her behaviour that she was bullied and it effected her self esteem. She makes herself feel better by effectively bullying other people.

Are there any plus points to her/the friendship?

If there are plus points, I like to think nowadays I would answer her back when she said these things. Then she might get the hint/take it on the chin and stop it. You have nothing to lose, as you can't really put up with it anymore.

If you can't think of any plus points to her/the friendship, I would just let the friendship slide, don't contact her etc.

She's absolutely not your friend, she sounds like a massive cunt who doesn't even like you at all. The odd offhand comment from a friend stinging a bit... well, it can happen I guess if someone misses the mark humour-wise, but this sounds like a consistent campaign of put-downs over a long period. What the fuck is her problem?

This would really upset me and I can see why it's got under your skin. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do apart from see less of her and move on. If you're feeling ballsy you could ask her what she's playing at and/or repeatedly call her out ('What do you mean by that? I don't get it' etc) but honestly it's not worth your time and energy. She sounds deeply insecure and unhappy in herself and as though she's taking her self worth from eternal things - well, that and putting other people down. She probably actually hates herself deep down, critical people often do.
I'd pity her but not give her a backward glance. The twat.

Tell her to fuck along.

Thanks for the replies. I'm gonna stop contacting her to meet up. If she makes any other snarky comments whilst in a group setting I will pull her up on it and I will stop confiding in her.

Sounds sensible.

If she starts acting nice, or guilts you (if she picks up on the new distance between you), don't be fooled into thinking you can trust her again. You need to keep your guard up.

Light, cheerful and superficial is how you need to be with her.

You sound lovely and kind. She does not.

I had a similar issue with a friend, only kinda reversed in that since we first became friends my lift went really well in a lot of ways (bought a house, new baby, got married) while their life really stagnated. They used to use any opportunity to really patronisingly put me down, and make sly little comments as if to remind me that they had seen me at my worst and knew that I wasn’t always so happy, if that makes sense. I think they preferred it when I wasn’t in a good place (as I wasn’t for some of the friendship) as in their mind I needed them more.

For example, I had a period of depression a few years back, we were all at an event a year ago stood around chatting and having a great time, mostly my friends and this friend though they knew them through me too. And in front of everyone they say ‘it’s so nice to see you happy, price, after everything you went through with your depression’. So inappropriate and weird, like they just wanted to make a point of bringing me down in the moment while also kinda knocking me back by disclosing something so personal to a group of mates at the weirdest happy time!

Or other examples, when anything nice happened for me like getting pregnant instead of just congrats or saying nothing they’d send this whole message about how proud they were of me cos they know I tried so hard for it and they’re not surprised cos I never give up...

Just really strange behaviour and I think in their mind I went from this tragic figure with a disastrous life (which isn’t really true, I’ve had my problems like break ups and stuff but who hasn’t) to coming out of it happy and instead of just being pleased for me they’re always trying to remind me of my past or paint me as this plucky never give up character when really I’m just living my life like anyone else!

It got so bad in the end I wound up not replying to messages any more, put them on restricted on fb and hid them from my feed, so we don’t have contact. They’d be crawling over everything I shared online too, stuff like i’d share that I’d discovered a song I loved by a band I didn’t think I liked and they’d comment immediately saying ‘I love how you never give up!’ and it was just making me cringe, they also kinda tried to take over bits of my life I felt for their own (maybe cos they felt theirs was empty?), copying my hobbies and trying so hard to befriend and ingratiate themselves with my friends, one day I realised we had forty mutual friends on fb and 38 of them were mine. Chilling.

This person isn’t your friend OP. Stop seeing her.

She sounds unpleasant and not at all like a friend. Glad to hear you’re dropping her. She doesn’t deserve you!