toxic in laws and supervised visits...advice please

[bedroomcushions]

Long story short I have had a terrible time with my MIL to the point I am now on AD for anxiety. I went LC with my DH but now have decided to go completely NC.

DH still wants LC - a couple of hours each month, he is very good at handling them and grey rocks his visits. He wants to take the children but under the understanding they are not to be left alone with her. DH is not fogged and has fairly good boundaries with both parents. He does pick them up on in law bad behaviour and has in the past put the children's coats on and brought them home as soon as the coversation turns inappropriate. So I feel I can trust him to protect them. However, I hate them being anywhere near their grandparents.

Should I stop the whole thing or go along with the compromise. I think I probably know the answer but want a second opinion. xty

Sorry went LC along with DH

Could you please elaborate what your ILs have done that drove you to AD?

Hi

Not wanting us to get married and trying to postpone the wedding
Criticizing everything I did and accused me of a whole host of things that were not true.

Tried to control everything about me (weight, clothes, religion, how often I see my family)
Tried to convince me my own family were dysfunctional (they are not)
Became very controlling when dd1 was born and wanted to take over absolutely everything. Even trying to choose names and clothes, not wanting me to breast feed.
Often humiliated me in front of others at FG by making fun of me regarding me 'faults' (she can't even do ......)
Would ring me every few days with complaints when she knew dh was not in, and then deny what she had said
Would push me so far and then be as sweet as sweet can be so I wondered if I was the problem after all
Convinced me that I 'hurt too easily' when I tried to stand up to her
Would stir up trouble between me and SIL by getting us to compete with her
Wouldn't take no for an answer
Made me feel guilty for the most ordinary things like having a new dress or going on holiday with my family

I have dealt with all of the above and making improvements on my self-esteem. I just needed to cut them out.

Hell there is no way your dh will take your children to his parents. What a betrayal!

How does he dare even suggest it with everything they have done to you?

You and kids are cut off. He can have his parents all to himself.

I would keep the LC. Your DH seems on top it the situation, and kids as they get a bit older can figure out toxicity and can then make their own minds up.

Meanwhile as long as the MIL is good to the DC, I'd leave it as it is.

Are they nice to your dc? If not then I'd say no to the visits

Why are you allowing your Children to be around sound vile people. Say NO.

Thanks for responses. Just to be clear me and the the children are currently NC and supervised LC is being discussed for the future.

Yes they are generally kind to the children but sometimes cross boundaries which we have pulled them up on. More poor social skills and an inability to know how to talk to children than genuine malice.

Hostility is, as far as I can tell, aimed at those who have married into the family and her sense of abandonment/entitlement.

Thanks again

Also FIL is a nice man but totally enmeshed so we have to be careful around him (if that is of any importance)

The biggest thing that would worry me is that they would start to criticise you to the children - possibly sneakily at first. Would your H supervise them enough? Would he be able to spot this? How much has their toxicity affected him? Is he getting any help to unemesh himself from them?

There is no way my kids would be going anywhere near those cnuts supervised or not.

The general belief is that if they’re too toxic for you as adults then they’re too toxic for the children. Given that your mental health is suffering I’d be amazed if even this level of continued relationship is helping you. You don’t have to cut off forever, but for the foreseeable future I’d be NC.

When they are old enough to grasp how awful they are they will surely question why they had to see them?
Imo if they aren't respectful of you they won't forget the dc are 50 % yours..

I would let it continue on the understanding that DH is actively and openly teaching the children how to deal with people like this. A role model is useful for learning (a) grey rock of a toxic person (b) not adoring the enabler as if they are the poor long suffering lovely person (c) how to walk away.

Have open talks at home about what happened that caused daddy to decided we all were leaving.

Is your DH fully aware of the list above and the impact on you?

If so why would he entertain such people? What is his motivation to see them and now to take the DC?

I think that your MH will be adversely affected in many ways - in the arrangements / when / where / how long / how often / what happens when they are there / what they eat etc .... boundaries getting set will be exhausting and then maintaining these boundaries as the PIL will just push anything and everything to exert control.

Then the mounting stress leading up to the visits.

Then the stress whilst they are there.

Then the stress of the debrief from your DH when they come back.

This will drive a wedge between you.

Then the stress of your DCs talking about the GPs over the intervening weeks - dropping random things into conversation will trigger you.

All of this will preoccupy your already stressed mind with negative shite and will drain your already compromised, finite emotional resources - don’t let this drain you - save your emotional energy for your DCs. Don’t piss it away on these people.

For what? Is it because Xmas is coming - will they want more time then - and then on birthdays - the kids, theirs, the cat’s......

If someone thumped you when you came in contact with them would your DH take your DCs to visit them? This is not much different - they have repeatedly and deeply emotionally injured you.

They have not treated you with kindness and respect - I would never entertain people who treated my DH like that and I certainly wouldn’t expose my DC to them.

What will your DC get out of this - apart from their Mums already fragile MH, deteriorating further.

Your dh's job is to be a father, not a son.

By taking your kids to see his parents, he is teaching them the grandparents are safe people the kids can trust, when it is not the case at all.

Your dh's job is not to police his parents' behaviour and do damage control once damage has already happened
What is worse, this damage is preventable.
Your kids don't need toxic influences in their lives, the DNA link or not.

*I would let it continue on the understanding that DH is actively and openly teaching the children how to deal with people like this. A role model is useful for learning (a) grey rock of a toxic person (b) not adoring the enabler as if they are the poor long suffering lovely person (c) how to walk away.

Have open talks at home about what happened that caused daddy to decided we all were leaving.*

A better role model would be to show them that you swerve toxic people - and these people have caused their mother sustained and significant emotional injury.

Innishh your entire position on this is related to the OP, her 'stress', how she'd feel about getting a debriefing, her mental health while they're there etc.

This is about the children having a relationship with their GPs

The OP has already said that the GPs are good to the children and bar some minor social skills issue they are kind to the children and there is no malice.

There's no need to stop them visiting on a LC basis which the OP has already acknowledged.

Over my dead body would I allow those people to see my children.

I would allow the children visits to gps providing their dad was there.

kids as they get a bit older can figure out toxicity and can then make their own minds up.

Why subject them to the toxicity in the first place though? If my MIL thought so little of me and treated me like shit, there is no way she'd get the pleasure of a relationship with her grandchildren. She would not deserve to spend time with them. Your Dh needs to stand up for you 100% here and while he may want to see his parents, he should not expect that you want the kids to have a relationship with them.

I'd probably say to see how the visits go with the dc, providing you're happy with them going obviously. They may chat about you which will give them opportunities to be abusive/pass comment etc.

If that goes well, if you feel like you're missing out then you could go. Are you presuming they'll change or just hide what they're thinking. But any mess up would mean me and my dc would be long gone.

@Drum2018

I'll politely disagree. I'm of the opinion that my children's relationship with their GPs is not dependent on their relationship with me. And I wouldn't withhold visits because we don't get on.

The DH seems very sensible and able to manage these visits.

thanks for feedback i appreciate it!

Op, does your dh have a functional normal meter?
Have you ever had to point out to him something his parents did and he thought it was normal?

Is he able to nip it in the bud when his parents do something he or you don't like without hesitation?