toxic in laws and supervised visits...advice please

[bedroomcushions]

Long story short I have had a terrible time with my MIL to the point I am now on AD for anxiety. I went LC with my DH but now have decided to go completely NC.

DH still wants LC - a couple of hours each month, he is very good at handling them and grey rocks his visits. He wants to take the children but under the understanding they are not to be left alone with her. DH is not fogged and has fairly good boundaries with both parents. He does pick them up on in law bad behaviour and has in the past put the children's coats on and brought them home as soon as the coversation turns inappropriate. So I feel I can trust him to protect them. However, I hate them being anywhere near their grandparents.

Should I stop the whole thing or go along with the compromise. I think I probably know the answer but want a second opinion. xty

Over my dead body would I ever allow my dc to spend time with someone like that.

Your dh won't be able to supervise them for every second of visits, will he? If he goes to the loo, or fil asks him to help with what-not in the garage for a couple of minutes, or he gets engrossed in the football on the telly. It only takes a second to whisper poison in a child's ear.

Don't risk it.

I don't see what benefit there could possibly be for any contact.

It will creep in over time, the manipulation, it always does. They will use the children to get at you.

Just say NC for the whole family.

and kids as they get a bit older can figure out toxicity and can then make their own minds up
No no and no again.
These kids need protecting from this toxic woman right NOW.
If she is too toxic for you OP, then she is too toxic for your DC.
Stay NC.
Do not allow them near this woman.
She has to learn that her behaviour is vile and abusive.
She doesn't get to inflict her nastiness on your DC.
As you know from experience, it doesn't always happen in front of your DH. She will be dripping poison to them about you and you can't allow this to happen.
Read up on 'Toxic in-laws' and get your DH to read up on 'Toxic mothers'
Google narcissistic personality disorder. I've no doubt this will describe your MIL to a tee!

Supervised LC sounds like a good compromise as you trust your husband and he still wants some form of contact so do it for him.. I’d say no contact if your husband didn’t support you but he seems very very on board with what you’re saying..

Hi OP,

It's so tough isn't it. We've had to make similar decisions about my children's GP who are verbally abusive to myself and DH but act lovingly towards our DC.

There's no right or wrong answer here. Just remember that you aren't bound by your decision forever. You can have the children be NC for a while and if GP improve or apologise or mellow with age or whatever, you can review your decision and try some contact. Likewise you can let DH bring the children for a few visits and see if ILs can behave themselves. If they act badly, then it will clarify that NC is the right decision and you'll feel less conflicted. If they behave well, then you can continue with LC.

I will add that children pick up on tension. They pick up on hostility even if it's unspoken. If your DH mentions you and PIL pull a face, or make a PA comment, then over time children will pick up on the fact that they have contempt and disrespect for their mother, which is harmful. So don't let 'overt spoken clear criticism' be the standard. Body language, facial expressions, general tension or coldness etc all feed into it and paint a picture for the children about what's acceptable.

How many DCs are we talking about OP? If there are 2 or 3 would there be a danger of the GPS trying to divide them up and getting one on their own while your DH is supervising the other(s)?

Your DCs seeing the GPS should only happen if it's bringing some benefit to the DCs. Have they been NC for a long time, and what will they get from restarting a relationship now?