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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is dp friend trying to sabotage our relationship?

37 replies

Lottiebugz22 · 07/11/2019 16:24

I'll start by saying I've never been keen on dp friend due to his history (he's not a good person - been put away a number of times for burgulary) Dp knows I don't want anything to do with him or have him near our home and family so he meets him elsewhere which I'm not thrilled about but he's his own person and I can't stop him. On valentines day last year I saw him lurking on my street as I was coming back from the supermarket. When I got to my doorstep a valentines card had been left with dp name on. Dp opened it and had a laugh as it was from the friend which I also found quite funny as a lads sort of joke.
Anyway just recently I went on a night out with some friends and when I came home a glittery pink lighter had been left in my kitchen. I asked Dp and he said the only person he'd had round was the friend. None of us smoke. The friend does. Obviously I was annoyed as we'd agreed not to have him in the house but I let it go.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and dp came home from meeting the friend and I noticed my brolly that I'd previously been looking for tucked in the side pocket of dp rucksack. He said the friend had brought it out and didn't want to use it due to 'embarrassment'
Before anyone says he might be cheating he's definitely not but I think the friend is trying to make it look that way. Dp works allot and whenever he's off the friend rings multiple times wanting to hang out when my dp has already said he was having a family day.
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
What would you think?
His friend has his own family.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/11/2019 16:43

He said the friend had brought it out and didn't want to use it due to 'embarrassment'

Um... what? Sorry I don't understand that bit. How did his friend have your brolly?

Lottiebugz22 · 07/11/2019 16:45

That's just it. I don't know how he's gotten my brolly. I've been looking for it for ages. Maybe his partner has the same brolly but it's a bit funny how mine goes missing then suddenly he brings it out and then tells my dp to put it in his bag as he doesn't want to walk around with it.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 07/11/2019 16:51

pink glittery lighter Confused

theboxfamilytree · 07/11/2019 16:59

Burglary is such a nasty crime I don't think I could maintain a friendship with someone who has done that to people. And by extension I can't imagine entering into a relationship with someone who had such a friendship. To me, it's a personal crime not a property crime and I don't want people who deliberately harm others in my life.

As for the umbrellas and lighters - no idea.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/11/2019 17:01

So he's basically nicked your brolly and then accidentally given it back to you via your DP?

I'd be more worried about what else he's taking from your house when he visits, given his penchant for burglary.

I think the pink glittery lighter is nothing to worry about, he's just left it by accident.

Raphael34 · 07/11/2019 17:02

It’s a little strange but I don’t think you can claim he’s sabotaging your relationship over a card and a lighter. I would be having words with your oh about having him in the house though

Lottiebugz22 · 07/11/2019 17:05

He only came back into his life a year ago. I didn't even know him before then.

OP posts:
Lottiebugz22 · 07/11/2019 17:08

I don't let him visit. My Dp let him round when I went out despite having agreed I didn't want him round here.

OP posts:
Geppili · 07/11/2019 17:12

Your DP is not respecting a very clear boundary.

Windmillwhirl · 07/11/2019 17:12

What did your partner say about letting him in the house? The guy has a criminal record and you agreed to not allow him in your home.

I'd be really annoyed your partner let him in.

Yes, he could be trying to sabotage your relationship, but if he is he is not doing that good a job. A glittery lighter means nothing. He probably robbed that off someone and was genuinely using it.

The brolly thing doesn't mean much either.

It's not like he's leaving lingerie lying around to be found.

Geppili · 07/11/2019 17:13

Is the burglar after your DP?

Lottiebugz22 · 07/11/2019 17:17

I know I was and am annoyed he's gone behind my back. I didn't want a huge argument though I've explained I'm upset by it and he apologised but yeah it's not great is it.
I don't think he's after dp he's got a family of his own.
I don't know what he's doing. Like I said I might be paranoid I just absolutely can't stand him and whenever me and Dp have argued it's always been about him in some way or another. He's got plenty of decent friends but it's his childhood friend.

OP posts:
DontCallMeShitley · 07/11/2019 17:34

Burglar would know how to get into a house, leave a lighter, take a brolly...

Try a hidden camera and don't tell anyone, especially not your dp, then you will be sure that no tampering will happen. Keep it to yourself until something shows up, preferably more than one thing.

pictish · 07/11/2019 17:39

My dh has a pink lighter. It was what the shop gave him when he asked for one...he doesn’t care what colour a lighter is. No one does.

You don’t like the friend but I doubt he’s trying to sabotage your relationship with a pink lighter or an umbrella.

Geppili · 07/11/2019 17:53

Trust your instincts, op. He may not be after your DP but something else, like access to money or your house.

Bluerussian · 07/11/2019 17:57

All sounds weird, you're right to be on your guard but I honestly don't know what the man is up to. Hopefully he'll fade out of your life just as he phased himself in.

Lottiebugz22 · 07/11/2019 18:02

Yeah I'm probably reading too much into it. I just feel like whenever me and Dp do have disagreements it's always to do with him. Like when they first got talking again Dp came home and asked me who I was with after work this was around Christmas time as his friend had supposidly seen me and my brother together buying a Christmas present for my mum. At the time I felt like that was a bit of stiring the pot so to speak saying he'd seen me with 'some guy' after work. Unless he was just saying in general. I don't know I just really really don't trust him at all.

OP posts:
FavouriteSoul · 07/11/2019 18:22

The friend sounds most unpleasant, regardless of whether he's deliberately trying to sabotage your relationship. I wouldn't be impressed if my DH was hanging around with a convicted burglar.

mankyfourthtoe · 07/11/2019 18:45

You can set an iPad to act as a spy camera. Just to record when motion activated.
Obv not spying on bf but I'd be interested what friend was up to in my lounge.

MaeveDidIt · 07/11/2019 18:56

Turst your instincts.
It could be a deep resentment of you because he knows/suspects you don't want him in your house.
He could also be very jealous of you and your partners relationship - men can be bad bastards when this is the case.

Hecateh · 07/11/2019 19:33

Sounds to me like the 'friend' nicked your brolly when he was there - just to prove he could take things. Then gave it back because he only nicked it to prove he could.

I guess he knows you don't like him, understandably, and he's kind of scent marking to show you that you can't stop your husband being friends with him.

Doesn't sound like a nice person at all.

Lottiebugz22 · 07/11/2019 19:48

Unfortunately we have spent the evening falling out now. So he got what he wanted.

OP posts:
JamRok · 07/11/2019 19:49

If you are asking people what they think about the "friend", then to me he sounds toxic.

mankyfourthtoe · 07/11/2019 19:52

Oh that's sad. Maybe he was after starting an argument. Perhaps the bloke would like lots more mate time than he was getting

Whathewhatnow · 07/11/2019 19:55

Arguments always about him?
This guy is jealous??
Your partner is trampling your boundaries only with this person??
This smacks of an affair to me. It does not matter that he has a family of his own. Not. One. Bit.

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