Why can’t I end my marriage?

[LadyDowagerHatt]

I found out my DH cheated on me in March, it was an 8 month affair. I found some texts between them, it was clearly physical and he told her that he loved her.

He was completely remorseful, said he didn’t want her and hated himself for what he had done. He went to individual counselling, we went to couples counselling and eventually I agreed to try again although said I couldn’t guarantee anything. This was on the basis that it seemed to be a mid life crisis and he worked on all the issues that he had and it seemed to have been a real wake up call on a lot of things - working too hard, drinking too much, not taking care of himself.

I thought he would grab the opportunity to rebuild our marriage and help me to be able to trust him going forward. I then found in May that he texted her (he said to check she was ok) and in August he wouldn’t let me look at his work phone despite the counsellor advising complete transparency. Although he did say I could see it (I sensed something was off as he had fallen asleep with it on his chest and then seemed panicked when I came in and he woke up) he typed in the wrong password 10 times, then used the wrong finger pattern to open it. When I put in the right one he shut down and said that I couldn’t see it.

He still maintains this was all a moment of madness caused by the pressure he felt with rebuilding our marriage and at work. I can never believe that was the case.

So at the moment he is living in a rented house but that is as far as we have got. We have both been to see solicitors but that is as far as we have got. We haven’t told our 9 year old son yet (our daughter wouldn’t know), he thinks daddy is working lots.

I am trying to be amicable and we have been on family days out and even out for lunch together. He is hoping for reconciliation but I know I can’t get past everything he has done. On the other hand I hate the idea of splitting up our family. I also feel very angry that this has now become my decision as he doesn’t want to do this, even thought it seems to me he made that decision through his behaviour.

To make things even more confusing, I am enjoying being single and have been on dates. I know it is ridiculously early but I met him when I was 17 so at 41 I guess I am embracing that experience which I never really had. I know it would be disastrous if he found out as his head is in a different space.

I am really struggling with taking the final step to divorce, it is like I am just burying it all and hoping it will go away, which I know it won’t. Help!

Well he’s clearly still involved with her so I think that’s the decision made for you. He didn’t grab his chance did he? He mucked around again. If you’ve been on dates and are enjoying yourself then just keep going. You don’t need to push divorce right now do you? He can hope for whatever he wants. If it was me I’d spend a few months just letting the dust settle and testing out single life. You don have to do anything right now. You’ve been through a lot. Give yourself a break

He is adamant he is not involved with her and is desperate for us to rebuild our marriage. I don’t think he is but he has lied so much I’m not sure what to believe now.

I am enjoying being on my own and also dating. Maybe more than I thought I would as I was never great with my own company and probably always felt like I needed a life partner as validation.

I feel like we need to push ahead with the finance side of things so that he has a chance of rebuilding his life. We are hoping that I can stay in the house with the kids but I need to take on a bigger mortgage to give him some equity.

You need to stop leading up the garden path.
You say clearly that I know I can’t get past everything he has done
So tell him.
Rip off the plaster.
Let him know for sure that you will not be reconciling.
Stop dating him.
25 years you've given him.
Time for you now.
Enjoy some dating. Get out there.
You can't forgive him and who can blame you.
Cheating is a deal-breaker many (me included) so don't beat yourself up about the separation.
NONE of it is your fault.
This is all down to HIM. NOT YOU!
You did not cheat.
You did not continue to cheat.
You did not continue contact with the other person.
Make this permanent. Make if plain as day to him.
Don't lead him on anymore.
It's not fair on either of you.

Thanks *hellsbellsmelons that is just what I needed to hear!

He is begging me to see what we could have and to give him the opportunity to prove himself to me. It feels like I am the one destroying our family and the guilt I have is huge, even though it his actions which have led us to this point.

I told him tonight in no uncertain terms. He got a little upset and said that I had hurt him too (by dating after we split - too soon I know but at least we had split in my mind anyway). He is still hanging on in there, sending me texts after he went home saying he wished he could make me see what he can do to make me unbelievably happy and keep is all together.

Too little too late, op.

You gave him his chance and he blew it. Facing the unknown is scary, but surely a life of insecurity and anxiousness over his loyalty is worse.

You have a shot at a new start. In your shoes, I'd grab it.

It feels like I am the one destroying our family

Wait, what? He's abused your trust twice now.

He got a little upset and said that I had hurt him too (by dating after we split

No doubt you could almost laugh at this if the whole thing wasn't so hurtful; why not tell him you're already discovering there's far better out there and you're having much too good a time to consider taking him back right now?

Since his wish to reconcile will almost certainly be because the OW's not working out as he hoped, his reaction would tell you a lot

Women always feel guilty because men are manipulative in these situations.
Time for you to do what is right for you, not him.
He is living in another house but your son doesn’t realise that you have split? You need to tell him. You can’t go on with that charade.

This one boils my piss -

He is begging me to see what we could have and to give him the opportunity to prove himself to me.

Yet he didn’t see or care about what you had when he betrayed your trust. Then you give him an opportunity for him to prove himself again & he blows it.

He lies to your face to get what he wants. It is all about him losing his comfy safety net. Get out love, you are already enjoying dating! Stop spending time with him. Stop engaging with him. It is over because you say it is. A relationship is ended when one person decides that they want to be single. The divorce paper is the cherry on top. But once you say you are single & tell people then that is ending your marriage to the world.

Everything else can be done through solicitors & is legal formality.

He’s cheesed off because you’re dating. He wants you at home and her for extra curricular fun. Well, tough luck!

My Dad cheated on my Mum throughout their marriage of 40 years. He always got found out and she didn't end it despite it happening multiple times. In the end he bought a secret house with his mistress in preparation for finally having the guts to leave, however he still dragged out the separation and divorce for years. My Mum's self esteem and mental health has been ruined frankly. I WISH she had left after the first affair (with her best friend when us kids were in primary school). She would have had a much happier life and would be a much better person and Mum now I suspect. Anyway, just to say you deserve better and don't let this man ruin your whole life, you still have lots of time to be happy.

Your dh is making no effort to rebuild trust. He has contacted ow at least twice (could be more).

Why did he need to know how ow was?
He cares more for her than you as he is willing to betray you again and again.

I do not believe there is hope of reconciliation.

Everything everyone has said is right, I really struggle to see how I can salvage my marriage after this level of hurt and betrayal. But he is not with her, says he doesn’t want her as has asked me to take my time with my decision. We still get on well and I don’t want my family to split and to share my children. I am utterly confused and really struggling to make the decision to end it all.

Why did your dh contact ow if he does not want her? Cutting contact shows you and the ow that your dh is not interested in her, her well-being, her emotions, her life. He owes it to you to drop ow and keep her out forever. If he cannot cut this link then there are likely to be feelings involved.

and to give him the opportunity to prove himself to me
But you gave him the opportunity to 'prove himself'
And he proved himself to still be lying and cheating.
He proved that in MAY and then again in AUGUST!!!!

He really doesn't like it when things aren't going his way.
So HE is hurt because you dated too soon.
But he was dating and SHAGGING while you were still married and together.
His crap reasoning is just that - CRAP!

Look, this is all totally up to you OP.
Only YOU know what you can forgive.
But do take your time.
Stop listening to his bollox though.
He's talking through is arse.
He's trying to make some of this your fault.
And NONE of it is your fault.

Hi op, just to say that I completely get how you feel. Mine has been dragging on for nearly thee years now, I've given him multiple chances and each time he has proven he is worse than I realised. We are definitely getting divorced, but I just don't have the time or energy to actually do anything about pushing it along.

I have a burst of activity every time I find out something worse or he does something that makes me find my anger again, but outside of those periods I just want to bury my head in the sand and forget out it. I know, absolutely, that it is 100% his doing. But since he doesn't do anything to move the divorce forward and is forever trying to convince me he has changed, it puts the ball firmly in my court to actually get it over with. And I am sure he is manipulating me and the kids by suggesting to them that there is a chance of redemption, as I often get questions from them about if/when he is coming g home and so I get to be the bad guy that tells them i am never going to put their broken home back together. There is also an element of waiting for it to turn nasty and that is part of my reason for dragging my heels.

Get some counselling. And try to get it over with like I wish I had two years ago..

By which I mean individual counselling for you.

he is not with her, says he doesn’t want her

Translation: it's turned out that she doesn't him him ... or at least, not as anything more than a bit of fun

It's understandable that you don't want to see the family split (even though it already is) and right that you don't rush any decisions. But do bear in mind that there's nothing to "mend" with a proven, repeated liar; you'd simply be delaying the inevitable breakup, while showing him yet again that there are no consequences at all and that just a bit more persuasion will turn you around

Since he's shown again and again exactly what he is, do you really want to risk a life spent waiting for the next hidden call, feeling traumatised every time he's late and all the rest?

Faith50 he says he messaged her because he saw her at a meeting and she didn’t look great, he was worried about her. He messaged her 7 times when we were on a family holiday in Florida. They were the only messages (that I know of since I found out in March).

I think there was an element of emotional involvement which he downplays. He said there was never any talk of leaving me, their future etc.

After I kicked him out in August I expected him to be with her but he is not. I have no idea what was on his work phone, could be nothing (very unlikely), could have been someone else. I wish I knew.

He doesn't actively want you back he just doesn't want to feel the guilt and discomfort of not having a cosy family life anymore. Don't let him transfer his feelings into you, they are his to work through. He created and continued to create this situation and now his chickens have come home to roost and it's not fun anymore. Tough shit.

Enjoy dating. There is no rush to get the divorce finalised if arrangements for money/children are working ok. Give yourself a deadline of a couple of months to let things settle and then start the process of that's what you want.

So he is more worried about ow's feelings than yours? The ow is still a factor and cannot be if there is any hope for your marriage. There was and is emotional involvement - he has not disconnected at all.

After seeing your heartache, he contacted ow seven times.

CantspellWontspell he is pushing me to sort things out if I want to date so that he can move on and look to buy a house. Seems fair so I do need to make a decision, it is all down to me.

bedraggledmumoftwo sorry to hear you are in the same situation, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Did you think you could trust him again and then you found out more?

Part of me thinks that he would never do anything again as he is so full of remorse, so adamant that this is what he wants. But then I have to remind myself that is what I thought in March after I found out about the affair.

Faith50 I’m don’t think that the OW is still on the scene but I guess I didn’t know the last time when it was actually going on. She has just taken a secondment to a role which I think could work closely with his, he says that is not the case, it wouldn’t really overlap. If I pursue the divorce it’s something I would be pleased not to have to think about to be honest. But then I think of lovely time with our children, family holidays, Christmas times etc and I wonder whether I can take him back.

The thing is, all those lovely hopes for the future (holidays, christmas, etc) are based on your experiencesof the past. It will never be the same, no matter how much it seems possible.

I filed for divorce last year from my cheating, mlc STBXH. It's difficult initially adjusting to the time away from your children and the family things you thought you'd do. But you get used to it. And then you realise that life is so much better without a cheater dragging you down.

I had to do it for the sake of my self-respect and self-confidence.
The marriage you thought you had doesn't exist anymore so it's best to move on and build a new future.
You won't regret it.

he is pushing me to sort things out
He needs to stop doing this!
He needs to give you time and space.
Why isn't he?
Did you read that book together? Not just friends by Shirley Glass. Because if you had he wouldn't be putting pressure on you right now.
So I'm assuming it's not been read yet.
And if it has and he is still pushing you then he hasn't taken any notice of anything.
That says everything you need to know!