Why can’t I end my marriage?

[LadyDowagerHatt]

I found out my DH cheated on me in March, it was an 8 month affair. I found some texts between them, it was clearly physical and he told her that he loved her.

He was completely remorseful, said he didn’t want her and hated himself for what he had done. He went to individual counselling, we went to couples counselling and eventually I agreed to try again although said I couldn’t guarantee anything. This was on the basis that it seemed to be a mid life crisis and he worked on all the issues that he had and it seemed to have been a real wake up call on a lot of things - working too hard, drinking too much, not taking care of himself.

I thought he would grab the opportunity to rebuild our marriage and help me to be able to trust him going forward. I then found in May that he texted her (he said to check she was ok) and in August he wouldn’t let me look at his work phone despite the counsellor advising complete transparency. Although he did say I could see it (I sensed something was off as he had fallen asleep with it on his chest and then seemed panicked when I came in and he woke up) he typed in the wrong password 10 times, then used the wrong finger pattern to open it. When I put in the right one he shut down and said that I couldn’t see it.

He still maintains this was all a moment of madness caused by the pressure he felt with rebuilding our marriage and at work. I can never believe that was the case.

So at the moment he is living in a rented house but that is as far as we have got. We have both been to see solicitors but that is as far as we have got. We haven’t told our 9 year old son yet (our daughter wouldn’t know), he thinks daddy is working lots.

I am trying to be amicable and we have been on family days out and even out for lunch together. He is hoping for reconciliation but I know I can’t get past everything he has done. On the other hand I hate the idea of splitting up our family. I also feel very angry that this has now become my decision as he doesn’t want to do this, even thought it seems to me he made that decision through his behaviour.

To make things even more confusing, I am enjoying being single and have been on dates. I know it is ridiculously early but I met him when I was 17 so at 41 I guess I am embracing that experience which I never really had. I know it would be disastrous if he found out as his head is in a different space.

I am really struggling with taking the final step to divorce, it is like I am just burying it all and hoping it will go away, which I know it won’t. Help!

he is playing games with you. He has not only cheated but continues to contact the OW despite assuring you he had stopped contact. He is now placing you in the position to make a decision about the future therefore absolving himself of any responsibility and he can walk away thinking that it is you that has split up the family instead of his betrayal. Do whats right by you and your DC....your DH is a lying , devious snake and I know I couldnt trust him ever again, would prefer to be single than living with anxiety of what ifs

I think as people we tend to want to hang onto the familiar. When I split with my first husband when I was 28, (my choice) it was quite a shock to me how quickly I felt ok and that life went on , samexwith him , went from mortified to another person dated and moving in within 5 months.

hellsbellsmelons he is pushing me to sort things out because he knows I dated and don’t want him but he is living in rented and is paying for our family home too (he has been quite generous financially, paying more than he needs to).

I did read the book - do you mean the part around cutting all contact with the OW?

Did you read the book together?
Has HE read the book?

I read the book. He hasn’t read the book. Which bit in particular did you mean?

hellsbellsmelons

bedraggledmumoftwo sorry to hear you are in the same situation, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Did you think you could trust him again and then you found out more?

I tried to trust him again a number of times, because he was so pitiful and remorseful, but he did it again multiple times. Every time he got caught it absolutely destroyed me, but each time he confessed only to the bare minimum that her thought he might get away with (yes he was back in contact, or had seen her but just friends, or they had kissed but nothing more and he stopped it, to yes they had sex but only three times, ages ago, long before we tried to reconcile.....) It was all bullshit. Basically he lied to and manipulated both me and her over the next 18months because he didn't want to let either one of us go. Until he got caught a final time and I got in touch with her- he collapsed in a heap on the floor with his head in his hands and said "it's all fucked now" like he hadn't been fucking up many people's lives (mine, hers, kids) carrying on with a new web of lies and deceit every time he got caught.

Anyway, reason I posted on your thread is because I just wanted to say that the things you said about feeling like you are the one breaking up your kids happy home are absolutely how I have felt. Mine has been beyond despicable. Yet he still doesn't want the divorce finalised and it is still up to me to do it and to answer the kids pleas for daddy to come home. Which leaves me with my head in the sand, immobilised by the headlights and

I know I need to do it but I still really hope every day that I will wake up and find out it was all a really bad dream.

Oh and mine probably sounds like a monster and the things that he has done make it seem ridiculous that the ink didn't dry on the decree absolute ages ago. But he is a really nice guy, everyone loves him, the things he has done are shocking to everyone who knows him. I thought he had a midlife crisis and was prepared to at least try and forgive, but it eventually turned out everything I knew since the original D-day was not correct, and far from remorseful like he seemed he stayed at her flat and tried to get her to sleep with him within a week

bedraggledmumoftwo thanks so much for posting. Everything you have said is the same as my situation - he is a nice guy, everyone is shocked and I put the affair down to a midlife crisis. He was so remorseful and said he would never put me through that again but now there is this lack of transparency which doesn’t have a logical explanation and I will never know for sure what it is about. Part of me wants to assume that he has learnt his lesson and he would never risk his family again, but I thought that in March. I feel so conflicted over what to do.

It sounds like you know what you need to do now and in a way it must be positive that it gives you some clarity I guess? Just basing it on my own experience that it is tough being in limbo. Good luck with it all, I know it’s a cliche but you will be stronger and happier once you move on from all the lies and deceit.