Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage after “I don’t love you”

43 replies

LemonFritz · 07/11/2019 12:59

DH and I are 30 and have been together since school. We have been married 9 years and have 2 DC (age 7 and 5).

In July some things started to come out that he was ashamed of - none were relationship ending, but he spent 6 weeks lying rather than telling the truth which drove me insane.

In this time he felt very little, was “numb” and low. He was not feeling any intense emotions around hurting me/ possibly destroying his family. He then became unsure of his feelings towards me and swung around between adoring me, caring about me and not loving me at all. This was devastating and a massive shock. He then continued to be unsure of his feelings and discussed separation multiple times all the way up until 8/10. At this point he just switched to loving me and being sure of how desperately he wants to be my DH. He has remained consistent since then. He is now feeling emotions very deeply and is devastated at the destruction he has caused.

By the time he became sure in October, I had had my heart broken, torn out and ripped to shreds. I managed to somewhat “detach” by the end and realise I couldn’t make him love me. My confidence and security in our marriage was destroyed, and I don’t think I love him like I used to. However, I know that I love him and our family, and I don’t want him to leave us.

We are now moving forward, but I don’t know how now that I know what he is capable of. He says he can’t explain what happened or why, just that he is sure now and it won’t happen again. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I’m so confused about what the hell happened. How do I love him with my whole heart and trust him again? Can anyone help?

I would never have thought he was capable of dropping me like that and viewing me with such little value. I am so shocked and disappointed. I know I deserve better but I also value him and our family.

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 07/11/2019 13:02

I went through similar but ultimately detached so far from my DP that I couldn’t bring myself to be close with him lest he put me through the mill again.

We seperated reasonably amicably. He accepts that his behaviour caused it.

EKGEMS · 07/11/2019 13:15

He probably had his head turned and became infatuated then she didn't return the affection and he realized having a wife/chef/maid/nanny was better than being separated otherwise why would he put you through that hell?

Madratlady · 07/11/2019 13:17

From my experience you need complete honesty from him, he has to be open to talk about it as much as you need to and it it’s needs lots and lots of time. Things were really bad between me and dh for a very long time, 2 years later I’m feeling ok but I’m not going to forget that period of my life and how utterly shit it was.

user1479305498 · 07/11/2019 13:28

They say this kind of shit to try and justify piss poor behaviour because saying ‘I’m a total shit and don’t deserve you’ seems to be very hard to do for many men

Singlenotsingle · 07/11/2019 13:31

Sounds like there was an OW hovering around, but it didn't work out. He then realised which side his bread was buttered.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/11/2019 13:31

Just because he's decided he loves you and wants to carry on in a relationship with you, doesn't mean you have to.

FavouriteSoul · 07/11/2019 13:33

It sounds like he was having an affair, then the OW called it off and he's come crawling back to you. He's being very unfair, not telling you why his feelings had changed. Talking therapy may help you, but he would have to agree to go too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2019 13:42

What the other respondents have written.

How exactly are you moving forward as a couple?. How have you expressed your shock and disappointment to him?. Through counselling sessions?.

Has he considered counselling for his own self, what else has he done without any input from you to show you how remorseful he is?. He really did put you through the wringer those six weeks. You still do not trust him and if there is no trust to speak of, there is really no relationship. Once trust has bene broken it is nigh on impossible to get this back.

You value him but he has clearly shown that he does not value you so much. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want this sort of relationship for them, you would likely say no. Its not good enough frankly for you either. Do not sell yourself short here for someone who is not worthy of you. You may want to read the Shirley Glass book called Not Just Friends.

Original poster
LemonFritz · 07/11/2019 13:49

We have now had 3 sessions of marriage counselling. He was in individual therapy Aug-Oct - from what I’m told, the individual therapist was a little baffled by him and couldn’t quite work out what was going on.

He says he doesn’t know why. I’m told he had a bit of a crush on a co-worker (leading up to July), no emotional or physical affair and she is now in a new relationship. I do suspect that general excitement of potential sex with others played a part (he has only had 2 sexual partners, I have only ever been with him). He denies this, or rather, he vaguely says “that possibly played a part” to many of my suggestions.

Personally, I can’t imagine going to “I don’t love you” when faced with the possibility of my whole life falling apart and losing my beloved DH/DW. Even if excitements/ fantasies were present previously, I’d soon get the shock of my life and be on my knees. The fact he can do it at all has knocked me for six.

It’s awful to think that any reason is strong enough to see me as disposable, but sickening to be told that there was no reason.

OP posts:
Bigblue1970 · 07/11/2019 13:50

This happened to me. It started with the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you're, then 'I need space as I don't know what I want'. I thought I was going out of my mind. He kept me hanging and I ran around him trying as hard as possible to please him. Turned out he had been having an affair. Fast forward 3 years and we are better (he realised what a dick he had been) and is now trying hard to get back on track. It's not so easy for me but I'm trying. Maybe one day I will wake up and I'll be strong enough to walk away if I want to. Good luck OP, if you do some digging I'm sure you'll find out the truth of why he was like it and it won't be what he has told you.

Original poster
LemonFritz · 07/11/2019 13:53

The hell he put me through was July-October, three very long months.

Prior to this, it was exactly the relationship I would have hoped for for my children.

My life has turned upside down. It has been shoved down my throat (by him in those three months) that he was not valuing me in the slightest. Especially compared to how highly I valued him and our family. What an incredible shock.

OP posts:
Bigblue1970 · 07/11/2019 13:54

Just read your update and the counsellor can't work him out because he is withholding vital information. If he told the truth she would be able to at least give him the correct help.

Bigblue1970 · 07/11/2019 13:56

I know exactly how you feel. I still have bouts of it now. I was never insecure before it happened. Now I don't actually know who I am. It's much easier to walk away than stay.

Original poster
LemonFritz · 07/11/2019 14:01

Especially as I know I’m a kick ass person, mother and wife. He was punching when he married me 🤣. Turns out I’m not as special in his eyes as I thought/ used to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonFritz · 07/11/2019 14:06

Bigblue1970 - I’m sure you’re amazing, too. No doubt that you deserve/ deserved better.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 07/11/2019 14:06

From bitter experience once they toy with leaving its only a matter of time. It was actually 12 years for us from when he first said he was unhappy to him leaving - but leave he eventually did. I wish that I had taken heed back then when I was young enough to rebuild my life in a meaningful way

Bibidy · 07/11/2019 14:08

I disagree with most of the comments here.

You and your DH have been together for a long time and since a very young age. I think it's pretty standard that one (or both) of you would question things from time-to-time and wonder whether you've missed out/there could be anything else out there for you. That's not to say he has or would ever act upon anything.

I think it would be fairly unusual to have been with someone since school but never have a moment of crisis. It's just that your DH has been probably too honest with you about it, which has resulted in unnecessary turmoil for you!

I think it's great you're in counselling and you should 100% bring up how insecure and upset your DH has made you feel, but also try and remind yourself that he's only human and any life crisis he may have had around being 30 and married with 2 kids, only having been with you for X years, etc etc doesn't necessarily reflect how much he loves you and your family.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 07/11/2019 14:12

This is awful OP. I’m so sorry. As others have said- he doesn’t get to decide. If what he’s done is too devastating then you don’t need his permission to end the marriage.

Original poster
LemonFritz · 07/11/2019 14:14

Bibidy - I respect your reality check and totally “get” having those thoughts, feelings and fantasies. We’ve been together forever like you say.

I cannot begin to imagine taking them that far when faced with the stark reality of losing my DH. My goodness does staring down into the abyss of divorce look so different to what I could have ever imagined.

Being disposable and of low value in those circumstances has hit me so so hard, my first heartbreak was a big one.

I agree with you about doubting things, that’s human. I think I’m worth more than what he put me through. Exponentially more.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonFritz · 07/11/2019 14:15

The truth is I don’t want to end the marriage. I want it to have never happened.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2019 14:18

But it did and that is something that is not your fault. Nor is what he has done here any reflection on you as a person.

If anyone was not good enough in this relationship it is him and not you.
He has to take full responsibility here for his actions.

BunnyColvin · 07/11/2019 14:19

Maybe you should take a break OP, in order to take stock.

Also, if you're not using protection during sex, that's a bit of a concern also to be honest. He doesn't sound trustworthy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2019 14:22

This is going to continue to permeate through your marriage and it is ok if you were ultimately to decide that this marriage is at an end. If he cannot be completely honest with the counsellor then who can he be truly honest with?. He is not being honest with his own self here either.

prawnsword · 07/11/2019 14:35

The counsellor will be confused by him only if he is not sharing the truth of how he feels. He is probably pussyfooting around their questions - otherwise have never heard of counsellors being so completely befuddled by someone.

Brutally honest here - think you are being naive to not be able to understand or visualise how someone can be unfaithful & put their family on the line like they mean nothing. Sadly it happens so often & this forum is full of stories like this. The truth of how he emotionally discarded you over that time period is likely to hurt to hear & he is not going to be honest. It’s likely centred around you meeting & getting married young, him feeling like he missed out, someone turned his head & made him question his choices & resent his life.

Whatever happened, it didn’t work out & now he wants to forget this happened but as someone said above, I would be wary he will have a foot out the door as soon as someone else comes along now that the seed has been down. Especially as he can’t be honest about his feelings, he only alludes to such feelings as being “possibly” part of the issue.

I would be careful of him being the type to leave & turn it into how you trapped him when he was young, he never got to live his life & you were never his soulmate & don’t understand him... I think this is the type of stuff he was privately thinking.

Original poster
LemonFritz · 07/11/2019 14:42

I agree and also think that that was what he was thinking prawnsword - I wish he’d just be honest, then we could honestly work out our next steps.

It’s not that I can’t believe that people do this, it’s that I HATE that HE did this. I hate that he could see me as just an option. The person that he presented himself to be would have not behaved this way. We truly were a very good match, but perhaps met and married too young.

OP posts: