Marriage after “I don’t love you”

[LemonFritz]

DH and I are 30 and have been together since school. We have been married 9 years and have 2 DC (age 7 and 5).

In July some things started to come out that he was ashamed of - none were relationship ending, but he spent 6 weeks lying rather than telling the truth which drove me insane.

In this time he felt very little, was “numb” and low. He was not feeling any intense emotions around hurting me/ possibly destroying his family. He then became unsure of his feelings towards me and swung around between adoring me, caring about me and not loving me at all. This was devastating and a massive shock. He then continued to be unsure of his feelings and discussed separation multiple times all the way up until 8/10. At this point he just switched to loving me and being sure of how desperately he wants to be my DH. He has remained consistent since then. He is now feeling emotions very deeply and is devastated at the destruction he has caused.

By the time he became sure in October, I had had my heart broken, torn out and ripped to shreds. I managed to somewhat “detach” by the end and realise I couldn’t make him love me. My confidence and security in our marriage was destroyed, and I don’t think I love him like I used to. However, I know that I love him and our family, and I don’t want him to leave us.

We are now moving forward, but I don’t know how now that I know what he is capable of. He says he can’t explain what happened or why, just that he is sure now and it won’t happen again. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I’m so confused about what the hell happened. How do I love him with my whole heart and trust him again? Can anyone help?

I would never have thought he was capable of dropping me like that and viewing me with such little value. I am so shocked and disappointed. I know I deserve better but I also value him and our family.

I totally get how you feel OP because I’ve been there except I found out 11 years after it happened. My H wrote down in songs/poems all about his infatuation with this young girl who worked for us, and had many trips away with her as part of business. All the while having Cosy meals, flights , room sharing etc (common in our industry). It never crossed my mind at the time although I did know a lot of texting went on. I found all this’stuff’ in a drawer 3 years ago and he was also weird at the time it was happening and then the weirdness just stopped. Thing is I think it was a temporary insanity caused by a lot of personal stress and business stress , however it has certainly affected how I see him and I realise now absolutely the most loving bloke has the ability to be deceitful and disloyal. Like you I can’t think what posessed him (we didn’t have a bad marriage at all) and even more why it wasn’t all’thrown in the bin’ at some point. I didn’t leave for practical reasons and I was assured it wasn’t a physical affair, he says she wouldn’t have known he ‘had feelings’ but I am way more wary of stuff now, which is sad I know. I think you will feel the same, I’m late50s too and we work together, which had some bearing on not just saying ‘sod off’ . Mentally it’s been lousy for me.

It’s very unfair & you deserve honesty, at least someone to treat you with respect & meet you halfway while working through the issues in counselling.
It sounds like he is admitting to the bare minimum but does not want to go deep on this with you. You’ve gotten the “don’t love you” admission but sounds like he isn’t going to share much more reasoning.

He probably has low emotional intelligence & lacks the ability to take responsibility for his life choices. Likely also has a persona or ego centred around being a good guy, who makes sensible choices usually. Maybe I am wrong

Definitely very attached to being nice and good.

Which is also why I’m not reassured by his sudden change of feelings towards dedication to his family without rationale. Without any understanding of what the hell happened, he’s just a ticking time bomb to me.

Admitting to the bare minimum is an ongoing trait and being just “honest enough”. As in being honest when under pressure but withholding whatever he can get away with. Again because being a good man is very important to him. The misdemeanours are often so minor that I don’t care about the content, it’s just frustrating he lied about them. This is me looking back over many many years of a relationship and rarely raises its head.

He has always been a lovely, imperfect (as we all are), hardworking man who wants to be his best. Equal with housework, childcare, money and life. We have had a great partnership with kindness and love.

Are we married to the same guy lemonfritz!!

the individual therapist was a little baffled by him and couldn’t quite work out what was going on
That is because he is still lying.
And until he can be totally, openly and wholeheartedly honest with you, you will never get over this or be able to move on properly.
I've no doubt there was someone in the background.
How are you moving forward OP?
Are you having individual counselling as well?
It may help you unravel your own feelings.

That is exactly how my husband behaved when OW.

Doesn't sound like much of a marriage

The ONE thing that got to my H, was that he had failed as an honourable man. That he had not been my friend, that he had been deceitful and that he had betrayed.

I think that if you take that line (more in sorrow that anger IYSWIM) and tell him to come clean with the counsellor and that he is going to have to really look at his habits of secretiveness or lying;

otherwise he loses his family.

And? I would kick him out if I were you. If you demonstrate your self respect, that you will NOT tolerate being 'less than' and that he has got some looking in the mirror to do.

The counsellor is confused because he is LYING. Lying is a character trait and he needs to feel some consequences to his bad behaviour and he needs to work a bit harder at his 'tendency' to be secretive and dishonest. Sort it now OP, or you won't have a marriage. I bent over backwards and did the pick me dance, trying to understand him better. As my counsellor said 'he has learned he has got away with it'.

We all make mistakes and bad judgement. But you have to learn from it. Paradoxically, giving that boundary (I will not be treated like this) and making him feel some consequences (a b&b room for you) will save your relationship. For men, respect and love are closely linked. If he wants to be single - there's the door. You don't get to stay married and act single.

So he would rather be dishonest so he still appears to look good. Then be honest & face the truth, which is what an actual good person does. If he has form for only admitting to bare minimums to preserve his image in the past it is not a good character trait. You can’t do his counselling for him & do the work for him.

I would also not be surprised if he has/d secret fantasies of single bachelor life - but that doesn’t gel with his image of being a good honourable family man, so he gets cold with you instead & discarded you - he had to resent you for getting him tied down so young & how he missed out on all that because of you. It’s a script this type tend to follow.

Admitting to the bare minimum is an ongoing trait...withholding whatever he can get away with.

Your husband is minimizing his relationship with this OW. He devalued and diminished you to create emotional distance in order to justify his betrayal. He is back with you because things didn’t work out with her.

If his counselor was baffled, it was because he manipulated the sessions with lies and half-truths. Of course, you only have his word that he/she was confused.

You would be wise to impose a consequence and tell him to leave while you weigh your options. Personally, I would end the marriage, as I would not sentence myself (and in turn my children) to a life of uncertainty and anxiety with such an untrustworthy man.

@LemonFritz I haven't read the whole thread- but this could have been me three years ago. Only slight difference that he did have an emotional affair and ended up kissing his co-worker. We had two years (yes really!) on couples counselling. We ended up separating. I realised that I couldn't handle feeling like sloppy seconds, and that realising that he could even consider being unfaithful meant I was constantly on hyper vigilance.

I can’t say whether or not he’s being dishonest now, but he has form.

He says that he is not being dishonest. He states he doesn’t know why he responded unemotionally/ numb to the initial troubles we were having. That he then went on to soul search and try to work out why he was so low and emotionless, and his logical conclusion was that he didn’t love me. He says that he thinks he knew he loved me really which is why he was so back and forth, and then had his full growth of feelings/ wake up moment (when I was away for four nights it happened on day 3) and hasn’t looked back since.

This doesn’t explain his initial numb response or how readily he made the decision he didn’t love me. He says that prior to July he has never considered separation.

It all feels yuck, however, I would always prefer full frontal and brutal honesty. I deserve to have all of the information and make my own choice. Hopefully I get a full picture that makes sense to me.

And we were also together from a young age, 21. Like someone else said- he became a shadow of himself, as he was living with a guilt complex. It just became a very sad marriage. Shame really as we were really very good together at its best. If your dh is anything like mine, opening up in counselling is virtually impossible, being a shy introverted type. He found it all awkward and tricky.

Good luck OP- I hope your marriage can survive it. I think if he's prepared to open up, and you're prepared to forgive, then it can. As long as you can let go of any future unsettled feelings of "will it happen again?".

I think that's called divorce.

Yep this was my, now exh. He seemed to have a personality transplant. Then a crush came to light. We then spent 3 (yes 3 years), trying to rebuild. He only ever told me the bare minimum. Turns out it wasn't a crush, then wasn't an emotional affair, but actually a full on physical affair, with all the bells and whistles. Stuff just kept coming out the woodwork. I was the same as you op, I didnt want to leave him, I just wanted it to not have happened. Trouble is, it did happen and actually I couldn't live with it. I wish I'd left when he uttered the 'I'm not in love with you' words

OP. Unless he is 100% transparent with you, you'll drive yourself mad looking for answers, you'll go into full on MI5/FBI mode. Sometimes, your first loss is the best loss

It sounds like he thought he had an OW lined up on the sidelines, and when it came to nothing, he ran back to you in a blind panic.

Your marriage is built on lies and deceit.
Until the truth comes out, you cannot trust him.
Only you know if you can live like that.