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Original poster

Drug use in relationship

50 replies

unicornhunter · 07/11/2019 11:46

My partner has previously taken coke in the early days of our relationship. And said it wasn't something that was important anymore. It is not ok in my eyes and whilst very occasional I don't want to be with someone who what's to do that. Talking about an upcoming event has me thinking that it on the cards as I have not been invited which goes totally against the norm for the relationship.
Do I ask straight?
Find no excuse not to be available to go?
Leave it and try at guess work if said partner participated?
Help.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 07/11/2019 11:52

What is the event?

Original poster
unicornhunter · 07/11/2019 11:57

A night out which is organised by the main participants. My feeling is they will do it hence why I'm not invited

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/11/2019 11:58

I don't want to be with someone who what's to do that
But you are in a relationship with someone who wants to do just that!
So what now for you?
You just accept it?
Or you stick to what you believe in and end it!?
Those are the choices you have.
Illegal drugs are an absolute no no for me.
Total deal-breaker. I don't they are for you though, although you say they are.

Original poster
unicornhunter · 07/11/2019 11:58

I probably already know the answer which is to lay it out clearly but the relationship is good and I really don't want the choice to participate to mean that I either have to end it or accept it. To me it is not acceptable for so many reasons.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 07/11/2019 12:01

Just tell him your concerns and remind him it's a dealbreaker for you, and then trust him. That's all you can do.

AgentJohnson · 07/11/2019 12:17

Oh ffs, you either accept he’s a user or not. You can’t accept that he takes coke, even supposedly infrequently and then start trying to Police his possible usage.

You sound all kinds of controlling.

gamerchick · 07/11/2019 12:20

To me it is not acceptable for so many reasons

Then end it. You I've a clear choice to make.

Trying to find out if he will/did or not will just do your head in. Accept that he might or end the relationship and find a none drug user.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 07/11/2019 12:25

Agree with PPs, if it's that much of a deal breaker then end it. Don't try to police him as he will just end up resenting you and it won't work.

Original poster
unicornhunter · 07/11/2019 12:28

I don't want to control it I'm just scared the choice will be to continue and that means it's over. :( there is no control in the relationship all other matters we hold mutual ground on.

OP posts:
Original poster
unicornhunter · 07/11/2019 12:32

I can't tell my partner to not do it. I can't tell them it's ok to.
To say that it is not ok is controlling so can't do that.
So there's just a doubt in my mind that if partner wants to then I have to end it speculatively. Or ask them if they want to and appear controlling. As it lays an ultimatum in asking?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2019 12:46

His primary relationship is with cocaine and not you

What do you get out of this relationship then?

You either accept his drug taking or you do not, why did you choose him as well to have a relationship with?

You cannot be a rescuer or saviour in a relationship nor can you enable him. Read about codependent behaviour in relationships and see how much of this reflects your own behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2019 12:48

Your post also makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships whenever you were growing up

Original poster
unicornhunter · 07/11/2019 12:59

We are both in our 30's have had long term relationships. We have been talking about our future together and we are on the same page. The only issue is this doubt whether or not SHE still chooses to participate. And I mean once or twice a year has been the norm. I have said on occasion I do not think it's safe etc but she has refrained from giving me any reassurance she doesn't want to do it anymore. In my mind there will always be 'one last time' unless she rules it out definitively. She has asked if we can get married and that is the path I believe we are on.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 07/11/2019 13:07

His primary relationship is with cocaine and not you

What a ridiculous statement. OPs DP is not an addict - she likes to partake in drugs occasionally, socially.

OP I don't think it's controlling to voice your concerns.
Is it a dealbreaker or would you rather just know the truth?

ChilledBee · 07/11/2019 13:10

Okay let's be real for a sec here. Us Brits love cocaine. We are known for it around the world. Many people lead perfectly functioning lives taking cocaine recreationally. Particularly after a night out drinking because it reduces the negative effects of alcohol (on the individual, bad bit is that you turn into a knob to everyone else!). There is also the very real ethical dilemma to purchasing cocaine specifically.

But many people binge drink. Or eat junk excessively. Or smoke cigarettes or weed. All of these are bad lifestyle vices that anyone can decide they don't want in a partner because it shows values that differ to greatly from their own. Others would just prefer it not to bother them.

For instance, my friend has a stoner hubby who knows he can have a puff on lads nights out or away with the boys but he can't be the type that has a joint in the garden after the kids are in bed. Friend doesn't like that he has a puff but her firm boundaries are around the home and the kids. What he does in his own time is up to him. But her problem with weed is the smell and effect it has on the user not with the dealing side of it so their compromise works for them.

Original poster
unicornhunter · 07/11/2019 13:11

It's a deal breaker if she decides she must continue. I won't know if she does and just doesn't tell me. I'm loosing sleep over the prospect of having to end it or should I make the compromise and over look it:
If projected forward to when we have children which is something we've talked about. Under no circumstances would I be with someone who thinks it's ok to go do that on a weekend then come home to look after our family: that may be over projecting but I believe unless it's a clear choice not to then there will always be 'one last time'

OP posts:
FavouriteSoul · 07/11/2019 13:16

Ask her straight 'are you going to be using when you go to this event?' Make sure she knows it is an absolute dealbreaker for you, and marriage and babies will not be something you intend to plan with her.

Esmerelda1988 · 07/11/2019 13:17

My partner used to take all manner of class A drugs, I was never ok with it but I put up with it and he ended up cheating on me on a drug fuelled night out. He doesn't take drugs anymore because of this but in my experience it often takes something huge to happen for them to stop. He also lied at the start of our relationship about what he took and how often so watch out for the 'occasional use' line. We've moved on from what happened but even before that the stress his drug use caused me was immense and in hindsight I should have left for my own sake. Treat with caution if I were you.

AmIThough · 07/11/2019 13:19

@unicornhunter then it's not unreasonable to reiterate your stance.
You don't want to give her an ultimatum but it is you or that. In the same way you can say 'I'm not willing to put up with cheating and if you do that I'm gone.' It's the same thing. You have your boundaries and she needs to accept them or not be with you.

Interestedwoman · 07/11/2019 13:21

I would be suspicious about this upcoming event too. It's not controlling of you to be suspicious when someone who's said they've used cocaine deliberately excludes you from an event, when doing so isn't usual for them.

You can only remind them that if they do it then it's a dealbreaker. Then you can only trust them, and see how they are the day after.

If afterwards you can't trust them and think they did it (maybe rightly so) then you might have to split up.

Lauren83 · 07/11/2019 13:35

I think you either have to accept he will do it or consider splitting up, if him and his social circle do it and the temptation is around him after a few drinks I think there's a good change he will no matter what he says to you, you will also no doubt drive yourself mad looking for signs afterwards too

WestSideSnorey · 07/11/2019 13:47

Hi OP, I'd be interested to hear on what grounds you object to her Cocaine use in an otherwise happy relationship? There are many reasons why people don't like it (myself included) but to end a relationship over it you must have pretty strong feelings on it?

ChilledBee · 07/11/2019 13:48

@unicornhunter

Why is it a dealbreaker? I'm not being facetious here but if you say "I don't think it is okay to look after kids on a come down" for example,she could say "yeah you're right. I'll commit to NEVER doing it". If you say it is because of the wrhica6of drug dealing or something else,she might feel those arent valid reasons.

This is about gauging your compatibility here so it is best to be forthcoming. I'm certainly not suggesting you say it is about parenting under the influence when it is really because you think coke makes you a knob but think she will go for the kids thing more.

ChilledBee · 07/11/2019 13:49

The ethics of drug dealing*

thedancingbear · 07/11/2019 13:49

His primary relationship is with cocaine and not you

Cocaine is a nobber's drug and I couldn't be with someone who used it, even occasionally. But this statement is patently untrue.

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