Drug use in relationship

[unicornhunter]

My partner has previously taken coke in the early days of our relationship. And said it wasn't something that was important anymore. It is not ok in my eyes and whilst very occasional I don't want to be with someone who what's to do that. Talking about an upcoming event has me thinking that it on the cards as I have not been invited which goes totally against the norm for the relationship.
Do I ask straight?
Find no excuse not to be available to go?
Leave it and try at guess work if said partner participated?
Help.

AmlThough . Ok this makes sense. We can agree we are not in an open relationship mutually. So. I should ask the question if we are in a relationship where one party does coke: if the answer is no great. If yes. Then I have my answer and know my response. I will use this example to bring up the convo. Thanks.

Good luck x

Ultimately it troubles me because whatever any body says it is damaging. Risky. Illegal. And just not something I advocate. But each to their own I'm not judging anyone just don't want it as a factor in my life.

An ultimatum is not controlling.
It is upholding your boundaries.
Either stop it completely as it's not acceptable or fuck off.
That is not controlling. That is stating facts. As long as you follow through on it.
If it's just to manipulate then that's different.
If it really is your deal-breaker then an ultimatum is perfectly acceptable.

My XH has a similar vice. One time he planned a big holiday with his friends and I refused to come because I suspected it would be more intense than I hoped. He convinced some new couple friends of ours to join. Loved those new friends. Sure enough, when that group got together, the drugs got crazy. New couple friends never spoke to us again. I suppose I could have given them a call when I filed for divorce, but I was moving to a new city.

Previously, some people had dropped out of his friend group when they got in serious relationships. They got ridiculed by friend group, but those are the people that managed to stay sober and forge successful long term relationships.

If it's a deal breaker then there's even more reason to be clear about it.

You tell them "this is a deal breaker for me, I'm afraid it's black and white in my head so I need to know whether or not you plan to continue doing it. It's your life and I have no right to tell you what to do, but because it's a deal breaker for me I believe I do have the right to know what you plan to do regarding this topic so I can make an informed decision about whether I want to stay in the relationship or not."

If it's a deal breaker then everyone should know where they stand. You need to both be aware of the boundaries and make a decision as to whether your boundaries are compatible.

Speaking as an ex addict, I know how hard I made things for those I was in a relationship with. I wish (selfishly) that they had followed through on what they said was a dealbreaker rather than staying with me but getting angry when I went off the rails. I needed consequences to my actions. But that wasn't their responsibility.

You're an adult OP, you're allowed to ask for honesty about what's going on in order for you to make an informed decision.

Once or twice a year. Thats pretty much nothing and shell probably grow out of it. As life changes and circumstances change. You need to think about everything as a whole and see where the balance is at.

Personally I can't stand being around people who are using cocaine, they're gross. Over confident, sniffing, gurning fuckwits so it would be a dealbreaker for me. It's also a lot more dangerous than people think it is, especially when mixed with alcohol as it produces a bi product in the blood when consumed in large doses (even recreational). You're also 37% more likely to have a heart attack whilst on cocaine and it mixed with all sorts of shite. You have to think whether it's a deal breaker for you though. Everyone's boundaries are different. It's not controlling to say that you're not comfortable with her using drugs but don't give her an ultimatum unless you're sure that you'll see it through.

Ok well that went badly. We went out and a number of her friends were taking coke. FIng restarted off their faces like total morons.
......apparently I'm abusive for asking if she wants to take coke. So it's over and all the dreams are gone.
She views my Question as abusive and I simply don't she is the one with the issue not me? How can you care for someone so much and the. Have it thrown back in your face 😢😢😢

What a sad update. She's told you clearly now that cocaine is something she may/will continue to use occasionally. There would have been no trust in the relationship. Sorry

Are you sure he knows how strongly you feel about it?

Lots of people are telling you to end the relationship but so far all we know is that he’s going for a night out with some friends who have been known to do drugs and you’re not invited. It’s a bit of a leap to assume he’s going to do drugs too.

OP I'm sorry to hear she's chosen cocaine over you but at least you know now. I couldn't be in a relationship with a recreational drug user. I've seen too many people go from recreational use to full blown addiction to know I don't want to be part of that.

Wishing you well for the future.

We had a straight conversation when our as they all clearly went to take some and she didn't. But if I wasn't there she would have. The question she didn't like after we got home was If she's taken it whilst we've been together. She said she couldn't remember ....... which obviously means yes and she wasn't prepared to say how often. Hiding the truth seems to be a 'drug problem' as opposed to being comfortable with her use-age. I'm devastated because although she now says she won't I don't believe her I feel the trust is gone. Game over.

You poor thing. At least you know now and can start to rebuild your life after splitting up. I hope you can sort things out between you amicably.

unicornhunter I'm so sorry your relationship has ended. You were right to state your (completely reasonable) boundaries, she decided she couldn't accept them so you cannot continue to be together.

My STBEXH has a huge problem with cocaine and, mainly, alcohol. It started out as occasional use on nights out, I chose to live and let live (we were young and went out a lot) despite being anti drugs as I didn't want to 'control' him. It continued this way for many years then one day he had a mental breakdown. It turned out he had far bigger issues than I ever realised, was in masses of debt and could no longer control his addictions. He's losing almost everything he had, including friends and family because his addictions.

While I would say alcohol c abuse is a far bigger concern (not many take cocaine without drinking first), a blase approach to drug use can easily lead to things spiralling out of control. It may take years, but if you plan to be in a relationship it for life than eventually you and any children you have will suffer if the drug use continues.

In short, you are right to listen to your instincts. Please be kind to yourself and don't be tempted to take her back.

Speaking as an ex addict you have made exactly the right decision.

And it's actually the kindest decision for her too as she needs to decide if she is willing to let her habit inhibit her wider life.

Risks include potential of non healthy relationships, mental health issues, ability to perform at her best at work, getting collared by the police - which is rare tbh but a possibility.

If her desire to take coke is greater than her fear of the fallout then she isn't ready to give it up. That's her prerogative.

I lost a lot of real friends but at the time it felt worth it for chasing coke. I replaced them with vacuous friends who were only there when we were all high as a kite. I see that now.

It is equally absolutely your prerogative to live by your boundaries too so you've been really strong and done the right thing.

You have incompatible lifestyles, boundaries and priorities - resentment and hurt on both sides would have been inevitable.

Well done

Right well. It goes on. She has said the relationship is more important at than the occasional high and says if it's important to ME she wont. Though I sense resentment as she still tries to justify it by saying it's only a rare thing. I'm now in the position of being the one who has to have faith and trust she will stick to her word. So we go from a situation of total trust to one of doubt. We spoke well and had a good convo about how to deal with issues and the importance of talking early so that is good.
I just wish she wanted to do it for HER and not to please me as I feel that would be a more positive confirmation she didn't really intend to do it.
The fact she tried to hide it from me is obviously a Breach of trust and that hurts atm.

I think a key consideration you need to make is whether you trust that on nights out where you aren't there, that she will stick to not taking it.

Personally I think that it's impossible to police others behaviour within a healthy relationship.

If someone stops doing something because the other doesn't like it then one would hope it would be a case of "shit I didn't realise that made you feel bad - obviously I don't want to do anything that makes you upset and that's more important to me than the thing in question". That's a sensible and fair conversation.

But if ends up being a drawn out negotiation like it has done with you two and one side concedes at the last minute to avoid breaking up, it feels forced and unhealthy.

She'll be annoyed she's had to stop doing something she likes so will become resentful and you'll now be paranoid she'll slip up in your eyes because you know she's only agreed it to hang on to you.

If she does it again, she'll say sorry and that she won't but you'll trust her even less and will have given the impression that while you say it's a dealbreaker it's not. But it is something you'll continue to butt heads on.

I think having to make a rule about something like drugs because you are on such different pages about it naturally is a sign of basic incompatibility.

And I'm not being judgemental about either side I promise. As I say I'm an ex addict and have been on both sides of this fence.

Yes that is the big question. Because she ignored my fairly blatant statements that it wasn't ok, it worries me greatly. She claims I wasn't clear enough, but stopping short of stating that it was a hard and fast rule I was pretty clear couldn't really have pressed the point much harder.
Obviously I had hoped she would hear what I was saying and offer some reassurance she wasn't planning on.
I'm prepared to let it drop and move forward but it's put us back in terms of trust and I feel a bit like we're starting all over again. It's sucks because it's all been so perfect. Somehow I have to not let it eat me up inside I'm wasting a lot of energy stressing over it.

I think what you're hoping for here is pretty futile. You're hoping she will change her values to match yours because it will give you the reassurance that she won't do it again. This is the problem with negotiating away an incompatibility but it isn't hopeless.

If I lived alone, I would operate an "open door" policy where friends and family can drop round with little or even no notice. My husband is very different: he operates on this complex system where some family can drop round as can a few friends, but everyone (including me) should guess who is in that category and who isn't and act accordingly. So if someone who isn't in "the circle of trust" drops round, I should communicate either verbally or very loudly non-verbally that it isnt okay.

Obviously this is fucking ridiculous so we now operate on a basis where some days people know they can't drop by without invitation. I can't even understand his PoV, let alone share it, so we just make a deal that works for both of us for the majority of the time and we trust that we will stick to the deal. I can't trust that he will adopt my views and vice versa.

Poor you this sounds like a right headache. For me it's a bit like boundaries with monogamy.

I wouldn't be happy with a partner kissing someone on a night out, I would consider that cheating.

But if I had to tell them that after they had done it and they said oh I didn't realise that was the line, but I'll stick to it now you've told me, I wouldn't feel comfortable staying with them because our natural boundaries and expectations would be so far apart.

In that situation I would personally worry what else needed a sit down discussion when I thought it was obvious / taken as read.

This is a bit similar - if it's something really glaringly obviously not ok with you but you've had to kind of make a rule and lay down the law (which feels horrible as I've felt controlling when I've done that) then it's a good idea to consider overall compatibility.

So a thought occurs to me.

Would it be a bad idea to show her this entire thread?

We now seem to have settled on a position where she now knows my stance without the apparent ambiguity in my previous attempts to signal my beliefs. I believe she will respect my feelings and the relationship. However I am now on trial. The relationship has taken a step backward and trust is in question. She feels I will produce a list of faults which I expect her to address. For the record that is not the case. Read the original post and I can honestly say there is nothing else I have concerns over. And don't think there isn't normal relationship stuff we couldn't deal with in a normal fashion. Reading my thoughts earlier in the year may give her reassurance that what I Asked for advice on is basically exactly how it's all played out. Or is this a terrible idea .....

She could take some of the things said to mean that you are incompatible. She might take the advice differently to you.

Stop going round in circles, she likes to take cocaine occasionally, she says she won't 'to make you happy', she is likely to want to take it again ... secretly.
It's a deal breaker for you so do the sensible thing and end the relationship, otherwise you will always be thinking about what she is doing when you are apart .....

Being in a relationship does not mean you get to choose how another person wishes to behave. What are your fears around her actions ? If it really is just a couple of times a year is that really any worse than getting drunk ? Do you have valid reasons to believe she would become a regular user ? Do you feel the same about alcohol or weed ?

This black and White approach will probably mean you separate because it's controlling and your Partner will come to resent that she has to bend to your rules or be secretive around you. The question is do you trust her to make good choices and be responsible in her own way, even if you don't necessarily approve of the actions she sometimes takes ?