Big differences, fear about future

[VihmaSajab]

I’m thinking about talking to my partner about my fears or uncertainties regarding our future. I am actually in limbo – whether to just walk away, or still talk to him and see where it takes us. I think it would be fair to talk to him. But I also think that the issues are pretty big and it would exhaust me to try to resolve these and it would be really difficult path. Really confused.

My problems are that he has told (and also showed me) that after work he prefers to ‘relax and play’, he does not want any commitments or obligations (this includes basically going somewhere on time (except a concert)), promising to help someone out, manage paperwork or stuff related to boring admin or taking up volunteering or hobby which involves set dates/times). He can manage, but it is really difficult for him (I have to push him and/or it takes very long time for him).
Also, while he has told that he likes DIY and renovating with his own hands, when he has the opportunity he is not showing initiative and waiting basically for me to tell him when and what to do. He has showed interest in doing some DIY, but then mostly it never resulted in action - it has turned out that these are too difficult for him and he has no place to do these and no tools etc (and he has never brought those issues up himself, he just says he will do it, but then total silence for a long time and when I start asking about it, then all those problems are laid out). When I have suggested him solutions, he has dismissed those and the things have remained undone. Recently, he proposed doing something DIY again, and I just pointed out that it should be thought through as those problems he had previously are still present (no tools etc) – he then sulked and said “fine, let’s just order it…”. To me it seems he actually has anxiety about doing these things, wanting to do but then finding excuses and he has also trouble seeing additional solutions? When he has finished something, I have always praised him, so I think I try to encourage him. If he tries and it does not work out, he gives up and then I suggest 100 other solutions. This is apparent in many areas.

He has a rather low-paid job which he finds faulty in many areas (expect the job field itself) and sometimes whines about it. He could hunt for new job in the same field and earn more and have better boss and conditions, but he only thinks about it and doesn’t try (I think – anxiety again). I have tried to encourage him, but no success. I do not mind his wage, I just wish he had good working conditions and he would be happy or at least mostly satisfied going to work. He hates his wage, wants to earn more, but is afraid no one will hire him and so does not even try.

So my future fear is that we are currently in our early 30s. We live in flat, where we could not fit children (we do not have any yet). We would need something bigger. Our wages would not allow us something bigger in perfect condition. So we would need to renovate it over time. No problem for me, I find it very fun to be honest – to save, to build our own home, achieve something together. But seeing his mindset and how he lacks initiative and energy etc, I think we would be stuck in half-build house if we bought it. I could organise and do it myself (I own our current little place and I have renovated, organised etc prior to meeting him), but then I would feel resentful in the end. Even doing all the paperwork and looking for houses and communicating with banks etc would be so exhausting, because he finds faults in everything and everyone all the time and the admin stuff would be on my shoulders I think.

Regarding children, as I have seen they bring along many obligations and commitments and if he sees those things already exhausting, then why would I think he would suddenly change after children? He would be fun dad, would organise for all of us nice days out and would cook a meal also. But is this enough? I have this mental picture in my head, how I storm around, organise admin stuff, renovate house and clean, while he just lays on the couch, cooks on weekends and waits for Saturday to have a nice day outside. I would be exhausted by the evening, but he would want romance and cuddle and sex, while I would need sleep. He probably would do some things, but this would mean I have to remind him, push him, ask whether he has done this or that etc - mental load, which is also exhausting. When I push, he comes along. But the moment I stop talking about something/doing, then he also stops and never mentions it again.

He is a good man mostly, really. But those big things scary me. I’m afraid he will listen to me and promise to change, but won’t and I’m wasting my time. But it feels unfair to just break up and not giving him a chance. Not sure what I’m asking really. How to approach it with him, I guess? He is very sensitive and I am afraid to hurt him.

I think this is who he is . Sounds like you aren’t compatible . I think you can do better.

I agree with previous poster - you sound incompatible and wanting different things from life. And actually, there’s nothing wrong with how he wants to live - it’s a perfectly valid choice for an adult with no responsibilities to choose a carefree way of life which makes them happy. The problems are going to arise when you try to turn him into somebody and something he isn’t and doesn’t want to be. He’s telling you clearly, with his behaviour and his actions, that he doesn’t want to spend his outside work time doing DIY and admin (though I never understand what people mean by this tbh, I live alone and my domestic admin takes me all of half an hour a week) and he doesn’t particularly want higher pay if the trade off is more stress or responsibilities. You’re right that if you continue you’re going to end up shouldering the burden. Don’t get involved with people hoping to turn them into what you want them to be, it rarely works out well.

“Giving him a chance” would be sitting down together and setting out why you don’t see the relationship working longer term. If on the basis of that he decides he wants to commit to changing then he needs to spend a year or so showing you that commitment with actions and not just telling you he will to keep you happy.

He sounds so lazy - surely he must drive you mad?

It's not anxiety that's stopping him from going for a better job. He prefers not to put the effort into anything at all.

The thought of having a child with him is horrific - just read the Relationships threads where women are putting up with men who do nothing and see whether that's a life you want.

By admin I mean all sorts of paperwork or organising. Even like updating CV, making appointments, dealing with contracts. I guess it would be whole lot more with children.

I guess what I would do is exactly telling him that because he is like he is I find future worriesom. I would not say he needs to change. I would just leave it up to him. But I am worried he would promise me stuff and would not go through. But it scares me somehow. I guess I am trying to figure out if I have grounds for hope if I raise the topic or if the break up is inevitable. And if the latter, would it hurt him more if I tell him what bothers me or if I just bluntly break up.

It seems I have little hope for the relationship to florish...

Move on - this is likely as good as it gets with him

You’ve given him a chance. You live with him and you know what he’s like.

If he likes to relax to that extent in his own time I don’t see where children would fit in.

Does he do any chores around the house? Cooking? Cleaning? Laundry? Shopping?

I'm not sure how he is a "good man". He sounds bloody awful to me, no initiative or drive, can't be trusted to do anything, can't cope with doing anything you like and will be an awful father leaving you to do all of the work whilst insisting on sex.
I'd dump and run personally.
I've wasted far to much of my life on men like this.

Some women are ok with this (as are some men) and others aren’t. Prepare for a future if doing it all rather than having it all— it’s your choice

Ha! Sounds like my ex! Lazy, crap with money, stacks of years worth of paperwork that he never bothered sorting (I did it all in the end), always whined about his job. But do you know what? I was willing to deal with it, just not the laziness around the home, because I loved him and accepted him for who he was (which on hindsight was a big man child).

You don't sound like you are compatible with him at all. All this stuff will eventually grate on you and you won't be happy. You need someone on your level, and it certainly doesn't sound like he is.

It sounds like you feel you're having to be his mum- constantly telling him what he should be doing a.k.a giving him solutions (which he usually hasn't asked for perhaps?) It must be tiring and frustrating.

I think this is what he's like and your fears for the future are accurate.

It also raises general questions about whether this guy is the one you want to spend your life with, such as- is this how you want to spend your evenings?

Hugs xxx

Does he have any additional needs or is he just very lazy?

He does chores at home to some extent - puts laundry in, eventually puts dishes in the machine, cooks. When I tell that we should change the sheets or do the floor, he does it, but doesn't notice it himself. I do most of the quick cleanings during the week (putting away dishes etc).
He also does more food shopping, but it's because the store is closer to him and he wants something to eat after work. I usually do not eat when I get home. He cooks on weekends. I do not like cooking at all, he says he loves cooking. Still I sometimes do cook. He keeps telling how he should cook more often, instead of buying something during work week, but he never does it. I do not know how it would play out with children. I am more than willing to put effort in cooking with children as I understand it needs to be done. Not sure how he would cope if he HAD to cook during the work week.

As with the giving him solutions. I mostly mean practical things. Like something is broken and he tries to finally repair it, but fails. Then he gets pissed and gives up. And doesn't try to find other solutions. Then I offer solutions as I want the thing to be repaired as well. I could try to do it myself, but he has much better skills with tools than I do and also I think that perhaps he feels useless if I do everything myself (he has told me that he doesn't like that I do not ask his opinion on things etc). If I did not offer solutions, it would remain broken.

But yes, I understand he is just the way he is. And I guess I have hard time accepting him like this. So reading your replies, it means it will end in break up sooner or later.

But still - should I tell him my worries? Or just try to accept him and if I cannot then break up? Without telling him all the details? I really just want to avoid "blaming" him or forcing him to change.

@Letseatgrandma What do you mean by additional needs?

He would want to have a great place to live, a car, fancy phone and computer, beautiful clothes and travel. He cannot afford much with his wage, tough. He has told that he would be perfectly happy if he had a rich wife who would give him all those things as he does not feel the need like many other men to be the main provider in the family etc.

Oh, you mean like health issues and such by additional needs? (Sorry, English is my second language). No, no, he is fully capable physically and mentally. Although he has some anxiety issues and was a bit bullied at school and all his previous girlfriends have left him and one has cheated on him and his parents were divorced when he was little and his father was a drunk (now sober) and his siblings are all rich and successful and his best friend is rich and successful and he feels like he is not worthy enough.

I can see why all his previous girlfriends have left him and you will ultimately need to do the same as they have done. If he has not learnt how to be an adult by now he never will and you will simply carry him. He just wants some woman to look after him and you are currently doing that.

Do not waste any more of your life on him.

What bothers me also is that on the surface everything actually seems OK and going well. And perhaps I have just unreasonable expectations and standards and cannot enjoy life and I should relax more. But thinking again, I guess it just shows again how we are incompatible. It's like he values outdoor activities, while I value that we also have everything in order at home and a great place to be when not outside. It's like I value joint goals and joint achievements (which building a house together, for example, or having joint commitments, are), while he values just pressure free relaxing.

The more I write and think, the more I'm understanding how difficult it would be to be really happy together.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I guess what I'm also thinking is that perhaps he just doesn't know what he is supposed to do! Perhaps the previous girls just left him without giving him explanations. And I think I feel some kind of obligation to not just throw him away but really try to tell him what I think he should improve? But at the same time - these are my expectations and it is kind of wrong to tell him that he is "wrong". So I cannot find a good way how to explain him that.

He knows what he is supposed to do; he does not want to do it. He has already said he does not feel the need like many other men to be the main provider in the family.

Why do you think all his previous girlfriends left him?. If he has not learnt from this he never will do. These types think that it is everyone else's fault but their own. At the very least you and he are completely incompatible and should not be together because you are carrying him. He just wants some rich woman to look after him whilst he swans about doing as little as what he can get away with.

He sounds rather lazy and he would rather someone else did everything for him.

At the moment you are trying to get him to change into the person you want him to be. That's not who he is.

You can't change him, or help him to change. He needs to want to do it himself.

I think there is a time to be complacent, and a time to move forward. You want to move on - bigger house, better job, children, but he doesn’t. He has settled into a comfortable way of life, living within his means, and is content with that.

You have to decide whether you are willing to wait for him to change, or whether to move on.

Anxiety may be a factor, but you can’t put your life on hold just because you feel sorry for him.

Regarding diy, maybe simpler just to hire an electrician, plumber etc instead of relying on him.

He also seems good at blaming everyone else - lack of tools, girlfriends cheated, divorced parents, and not taking responsibility for himself. He can change if he wants to, but he seems to be more of the ‘woe is me’ mindset.

He is showing you who he is. If he doesn't pull his weight now then he isn't going to suddenly change just because you have children. You'll still be taking all the initiative and doing all the work and also looking after the baby on no sleep.

He is a man-child. It doesn't sound as though he brings much to your life. Get out while you still have time to have a family/relationship with a fellow adult.

My STBXBIL was exactly like this in all respects. His wife wanted children. It didn’t happen. She got tested and all was fine. He refused to get tested. He continued for several more years being an idle Peter Pan, working as little as possible, living of his wife, writing his opus and listening to records. Guess what? They split up 10 years ago. Realistically too late for his wife to have children. He moved in with a landlady for 2 weeks and is still there. He’s exactly the same 10 years later. Don’t make the same mistake unless you have thought about it carefully, and thought about it again, and again ....

Thank you all!

I guess I was hoping to read positive stories how a man grows into responsible adult. I hate that I talk about him like this, I really do care about him and do not want to insult him. But I guess facts are facts and by early 30s a person should be able to figure out who they are and what they want. And I have to accept he is like he is. It is just kind of twisted or difficult for me to understand, as he talks about stuff that he wants and what the future would look like, but it seems he has no clue how to get there and once he understands that things require a bit (or a lot) effort, he just gives up. It is so sad, to be honest. It doesn't seem like he is totally content with the status quo, but as he finds out that effort must be put in, he decides that better this cozy relaxed life, than the big dream. I see so much potential in him and he offers me so much physical care and kindness and adventures. But I need more - I need a partner in life and this is something he cannot give, as it turns out.

I must start thinking about exit plan, then. He is so sensitive, I imagine how hurt he will be and it really hurts me (seeing someone else suffering)

Having a family with a man like this would be exhausting. You would end up doing everything.

Does he even want children? He sounds far too lazy to want to change the status quo.