Feel so sad about DH not communicating

[smemorata]

We've been married for 16 years and had some ups and downs. Biggest down was when he applied and got a job which meant a big change in our lives (were meant to be going abroad) but ended up having to stay put for at least 6 years. He didn't tell me he was doing this as he knew I wanted to go abroad as planned. I only found out because a colleague congratulated me as she found out before I even knew about it! It felt (and still does feel) like a betrayal. After a big heart to heart, and other similar incidents I have always stressed that for me the key thing in a relationship is communication and feeling like we are part of the same team. He agrees - but actually doesn't consider me at all.This evening I found out that he is going abroad for work next week for work, and then the week after for 5 days. I have no problem with this but am sick of never being told things until the last minute, if then. We have a shared online diary but he never bothers putting stuff in it so he knows what I am doing but never vice versa. Just so fed up of it. This isn't about cheating as I know he is travelling for work but just sick of not being considered when he makes plans or even informed. I have explained this umpteen times but it just doesn't seem to sink in. He pretty much organizes his life and spends our money as he would if he were single and I am fed up of it.

Is it possible that he never wanted to go abroad but was feeling railroaded into it and looked for a way out? I'm playing Devil's advocate here...don't be offended.

Also, regarding not telling you things such as him having to work next week abroad....are you reactionary? Maybe controlling? My ex.,...I used to avoid telling him things because he would either complain non-stop about them or he'd fall out with me.

I really don't think I am controlling! I would never go abroad without telling him though (especially as it means reorganizing stuff at work as he can't do pick ups). It just never occurs to him to tell me. Another example: he bought the family car without consulting me . I include him in all family decisions but it doesn't work both ways.

It's very possible he didn't want to go abroad but he agreed to (temporarily) as it was necessary for my career. Which I had to basically give up on as a result. His career on the other hand flourished!

Sounds like you are living like flat mates, same house, doing your own thing each.

@Elieza except I do include him in everything. More fool me.

I understand. I'd hate this too. Even worse is that you've told him you don't like it and he still does it. That's just ignoring you

So he ended your career whilst boosting his own..,

How incredibly selfish and so he carries on just living the life he wants and not considering you worth including

What reason does he give for not involving you?

If he spends family money by himself then I'd look at joint account. As petty as it sounds, I'd also arrange things without involving him and next time he says he's abroad, you say, no you're not - I am. See how he likes it.

Woukd he consider counselling? If not, would you consider splitting?

If he did something knowing it would fuck up your career that's more than being a bit absent minded. It sounds like he wants to sabotage you to be honest

It just doesn't occur to him. He has literally never learned how to be in a relationship imo. He is not selfish in any other ways but he just doesn't get it. I have given up a lot for him and all I ask in return is that he sees us as a team and communicates better but he just doesn't. I don't know what else to do if not play him at his own game- which would probably just make us both miserable.

I have suggested counselling but he doesn't see the need!

My partner would never do this to me, isn't it just a bit weird that he wouldn't tell you??? Do you talk to each other?

I talk to him but it's not very reciprocal!.

I can sense the sadness in your post.
Do you have DC and if so, how old are they?

Is it still possible for you to get back into your career?

Honestly OP I couldn't live like this, what's the point in being with someone if you're not a team? Best advice I can give you is to start building up your independence, do everything with a view to eventually being on your own and get yourself into a position where you could leave if you wanted to.

Forget tit for tat and playing him at his own game, he's already failing to prioritise you so all your focus needs to be on yourself and building the life you want. Because I suspect the day will come when you've had enough and decide to walk away and find someone who actually shows you that you matter, and rightly so

It just doesn't occur to him.

I don't believe this st all. He knows if he says anything he may not get what he wants so he chooses to say nothing. The car is a perfect example. If he said he wants to buy XXX he knows you may not agree so he just does as he pleases.

He's selfish and rude, imo.

Why hasn’t his disregard for you been a dealbreaker? His ‘thoughtlessness’ as you so mildly put it, doesn’t impact him because he doesn’t care about your hurt.

You have really been foolish letting his selfishness impact your career, you haven’t been supporting him, you’ve been enabling his disregard for you.

The onus is always on the one who doesn’t benefit from the status quo, to change it. Stop expecting him to be different, necessity is the mother of all invention, he’ll only change when his behaviour impacts him negatively.

I'd restart your career if I were you, op.

He doesn't see you as equal, as far as he's concerned you're not important and need to fit round him, the big I-am. The worst that happens is you'll moan but he still gets to do whatever he wants.

Don't leave it too long and end up facing down old age with a ton of lost potential and savage resentment.

Is he on the spectrum because this behaviour is not normal adult male?

This is the normal behaviour of a man who has decided that he comes first and is an indicator that this man doesn't see his marriage as a partnership. This was my ex before we split and is a reason in "unreasonable behaviour " in divorce.

My dh is the same. I tell him he'd make a great spy or master criminal as no on knows where he is or what he's doing. I find sitting him down once a week with the calendar and asking fir his weekly plan (self employed often working away from home). I used to find out by over hearing him tell other people.

We have no dc though so that does make a huge difference - you'd have to extend it to the month.

Thank you so much for all the comments. I am taking them all in. This really hit home.
He doesn't see you as equal, as far as he's concerned you're not important and need to fit round him, the big I-am. The worst that happens is you'll moan but he still gets to do whatever he wants.
I dont think I will ever get through to him.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

Why are you together at all?.

I can't afford not to be in it.

You can't live like this forever OP, can you not restart your career? He is doing his own thing with no regard to you, you do yours until you are in a position to leave, he won't change