Feel so sad about DH not communicating

[smemorata]

We've been married for 16 years and had some ups and downs. Biggest down was when he applied and got a job which meant a big change in our lives (were meant to be going abroad) but ended up having to stay put for at least 6 years. He didn't tell me he was doing this as he knew I wanted to go abroad as planned. I only found out because a colleague congratulated me as she found out before I even knew about it! It felt (and still does feel) like a betrayal. After a big heart to heart, and other similar incidents I have always stressed that for me the key thing in a relationship is communication and feeling like we are part of the same team. He agrees - but actually doesn't consider me at all.This evening I found out that he is going abroad for work next week for work, and then the week after for 5 days. I have no problem with this but am sick of never being told things until the last minute, if then. We have a shared online diary but he never bothers putting stuff in it so he knows what I am doing but never vice versa. Just so fed up of it. This isn't about cheating as I know he is travelling for work but just sick of not being considered when he makes plans or even informed. I have explained this umpteen times but it just doesn't seem to sink in. He pretty much organizes his life and spends our money as he would if he were single and I am fed up of it.

I am looking at ways of earning more money. I have missed the boat somewhat in my original career and there just aren't the opportunities available that there would have been had I prioritized it when we were first married.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Do not stay for purely monetary reasons and besides its really no basis on which to stay with him. When do you see any money of his anyway; he spends it like he is a single man and without regard for you. You will also further his own disregard for you by staying with him.

He is not mean with money and we split all bills proportionate to our earnings. For the PP who asked if he is on the spectrum. The truth is I don't know. In a way, it would be comforting if he were as there would be an excuse for this behaviour. I don't understand how he can want to stay married so much (so he says) but not be prepared to make even the slightest change in his behaviour.

He has it easy with you. You have facilitated his life to your detriment emotionally and financially and still remain with him.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from parents so what did yours teach you?. He probably learnt this from parents rather than he being on an ASD spectrum. Why he is like this is really immaterial; the fact remains that he is and you're still there putting up with this. There is no excuse or justification for this behaviour from him.

Do whatever you can to now further your own career. Go back to college if you need to. This really isn’t salvageable. You’ve facilitated him and his careers and his needs. What does he do to meet your needs? Time to get out I’d say

Agree with figuring out a new career for yourself. Not sure what you used to do but maybe there is something related to that, you can do? Then are so many more new careers available too.

He does it because it benefits him.

There are four things you need to do.

First: accept that this is him and he is never going to change.

Second: stop caring so much. I really mean this (it is called Radical Acceptance). This is who he is and he is never going to meet you half way. Find your source of companionship elsewhere - family, friends, hobbies, sport, a warm relationship with your children.

Third: you need to kickstart your career. Focus on you, invest in self

Fourth: (call me cynical) squirrel money away and open a share portfolio. Invest in self. You sacrificed your career for him which was a mistake. So level the playing field: start accumulating money without his knowledge. £50/week off the shopping bill means £2,400 a year to buy shares with.