Can not believe this has happened to me, devastated & need your help..

[ScoobyDooooo]

I need advice on the most awful situation which has just hit & nearly ruined mine & my childrens whole life. I was going to change my name but i just feel i don't want to.

On Tuesday i found out dp had been lieing to me, we have been together 6 years & have 2 wonderful children, i thought throughout our relationship we had both been honest & open, well i have it now comes to light dp has not

Over the past few months i have noticed we don't seem to have much money, also we had svaed money in a barclays account to pay for our new sofa which is due to arrive next week, we have a cash card to get this money out but it went missing, dp said he did not have it, i could not find it anywhere, i asked dp to order a new one so he did, anyway after about 1 week the new one went missing too so i thought i was honestly going mad, dp swore he did not have it & i could have sworn i had put it in a draw.

Anyway last weekend we sold our car cause we need to buy 2 cars as dp changed his job & had no transport in his new job. We sold the car & had the cash in envelopes all spread out for a family car, a car for dp & some left over money.

On Tuesday i went to the money & found that £460 was missing from dp's car money, i phoned him straight up & this is when the bombshell was dropped.

He said he was sorry & that for the past 12 months he had been on cocaine, i had no idea he said he had got into debt where he had been "ticking it" from the dealers & that they now wanted there money I had no idea this was happening, he was doing it in the day time at work then coming home & sleeping also because he could not do it in front of me he would drink & drink at weekends i had no idea of this either as we had been living at my mums for 9 months, he used to go by the back door where he used to smoke but he was downing small bottles of vodka.

He has lied to me on so many occassions all the way through the 12 months, i am destroyed inside, i honestly thought he would never ever do this to me, i trusted him & i think this is why he has got away with it for so long.

He has a past with drugs from about 10 years ago he was an addict but got through it & moved on with life, i was not with him then but when i met him i new he had a colourful past, i just honestly believed he would not go back there

He siad when we went on holiday last year to the isle of wight with my sister & her husband my sisters husband offered him a "line" of coke on the beach when they were having a drink & night fishing, he said he done it because of the situation he was in but ever since that night his body has craved it & this is why he got hooked again

I feel so let down by him the most but also my sisters husband who new his past & also knows he has an addictive personality, it also comes to light when we moved out of my mothers to where we are now, my brother & herself found loads of empty vodka bottles in her outhouse but decided not to tell me, my brother also new for the 12 months he was on it but not to the extent he was on it he helped him get it sometimes though.
I feel like someone should have told me, i could have supported him & been there for him but they all let me down.

I sent him away to his parents house on wednesday night but i cried, had panic attacks was sick because i can't live without him but i also feel i can't live with him because he has betrayed my trust, lied to me & broken my heart. Also this night i put ds (4.11) to bed & he said to me daddy has gone far away he is not allowed to go far away & he cried himself to sleep, he was truly devasted & i could not deal with his pain or mine.

I also blame myself a bit for this because i have had PND since dd was born & been probably very hard to live with

Please help me what would your advice be? my life is a mess

to stand by DH, that should read.

I understand whatn your saying but thinking about me is not an option right now, i can't do it all. I am taking one day at a time i am not looking to the future or the past it is the only way i can get through right now.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

My partner is a cocaine addict too, and I find it incredibly hard to deal with. I am in control of all the money to try to limit the problem, but it's impossible for him not to sometimes have cash. Plus his friends lend him money - they do it too. He's told me so many lies, and destroyed my trust in him. There have been loads of occasions when I've suspected him, and he's denied it and I've allowed myself to be convinced. But recently I was able to look at his phone records as they're in my name - I've looked back over a year and I can tell by the calls he's made it's been 10-15 times a month. That's like £500-£750 a month.It sickens me that he can put our family in a difficult financial situation. My mum died this year, and this has made dealing with that harder. I have been so tempted to leave - I did at the beginning of the year, but got back together. I have now found out i'm pregnant again - very careless / stupid.

The good news is he swears he's changed, and has been clean for 3wks, but it worries me that he won't go to any support groups for help. I'd be more understanding of any slipups if i felt he was really committed to changing. The fact that his friends do it too means i know he's exposed to added temptation, but he claims he's just not interested now. Would so love to believe it's all changed, but cannot think it will be this straightforward.

You obviously love your dh dearly, and that's going to help you get through it. The good thing is that you know he's beaten addiction in the past, so he can do it again, and at least now the problem s out in the open.

I think family support groups are a great idea. Also please don't take any blame for this. I understand you feel let down by your sister/brother in law, but they only offered it. You dh chose to take it. And he can choose to stop.

ScoobyDooooo - So sorry to read this.
I really hope all works out for you.
No useful advice but if you ever need a chat i am on MSN most of the time.

Thanks for sharing your story splishsplosh.

I do believe dp can do this in fact i know he can my main worry now is relapsing in the future because i could not go through it again

He is doing very well he stopped about 3 weeks ago but he was still drinking every weekend more than i thgouht so this weekend has been his first without alchol too & i can see him suffering, i have tried to help & think i am, he is being very strong, has done alot with the kids which is helping him get through the time.

I know there is a bank holiday weekend next weekend so have phoned his parents and asked if we can come & stay for the whole weekend as i think dp will find it hard so they are more than pleased & can not wait for our arrival, i strongly believe he needs his dad through this because he has always been his tower of strength. I don't really want to go there but i am doing this for him & obviously our kids.

He is terribly skinny at the moment & is looking very gaunt, i just can't believe i did not see the signs

I am struggling with the way i am feeling but trying not to worry him with that his dad & mum have been speaking to me & helping me through my feelings which i have found very comforting.

Thanks tortoise it is always good to know someone is there your a star x

my brother sounds very simlar to your dp scooby and i cannot imagine him falling back, but he had to leave the country, stay away from friends, change his job for something rewarding but much less money, take up meditation and basically rethink his entire life - he can't go back because he's a different person.
fwiw i think your dp sounds like he's half way there - he's recovered from worse before, hge's admitted his problem to you and he's suffering for his mistakes.
it is your right to think of your family and protect them, but i think yoy know what you want to do already. what a shitty situation to be in. hope it gets better - you sound clear and strong even in the midst of your horror.

I wish you well SD and hope you and your DP may be willing to consider contacting on of the fellowships when you feel able.

I have just read this thread to dp.

He has said at the time he felt he had no one to turn to, he did not want to go to his dad because of all the pressures he has in his life (dp's mum is very ill) dp felt ashamed of what he had done & did not want to let his dad know he had let him down again, his dad fought tooth & nail for him the first time round.

He felt he could not come to me because i had always said if he went back down that route i would have to leave, he thinks i am a very black & white person & felt he was goingt o lose everything, obviously it all got out of control & i found out, the first person i turned to was his father.

He also wants me to point out he has been very positive, he has been out & brought a weights bench to focus on something & to build himself back up, he has spent alot of time with the kids & been & brought loads of good healthy food, this is all pointing to being positive in my eyes too.

He says living life the noraml way like all of us is not normal for him, drugs is a life he knows so every day is a struggle for him because he is fighting against normal life unlike 1 of us who living a normal life is being like many others but to him a normal life is a drug life, if that makes sense?

He said he had a dream last night he had taken cocaine & woke up sweating honestly believeing he had taken it & was panicking until he realsied it was a dream.

I asked him what addiction was like for him?

His answer was -

He spent from the age of 11 till 19 which is a majority of his life, he has been in the perfect relationship, selfish 1 at that, meaning his relationship with drugs is like having the perfect partner gives him everything he wants for very little. He has had to turn his back on this perfect thing by choosing life or normality which is a struggle & more difficult because it is the abnormal to him. The sad thing is that perfect partner if he looks over his shoulder is always calling him back. It's like food for so long being used to eating nice food for so many years of your life & then all of a sudden choosing to each porridge for the rest of it, knowing that it is a choice that is stopping you eating the good food thats the difficulty it is.

Its going to be hard for him and i wish him luck. Sounds like he has great support in you and a great family.

He does need help with this from the sounds of it but he also sounds like he really understands addiction which is a huge help

Oh Scooby, poor you.
You've been under enough pressure recently, this is the last thing you need.
Please don't blame you PND or yourself.
Its not you taking drugs, its him!
You use the remainder of his car fund to pay his debts and he'll have to use public transport!!
If you want to chat, will be around for a while.

Hi Fussymummy glad to see you here you have given me great support in the past. I feel ok today so far, it is really funny but in the last yr when obviously he has been living a lie etc we have not been getting on at all, in fact i think i have just got on with it but since all this has come out we have been getting on so so well, it sort of feels like a new beginning, i think i will get through this but i do have in the back of my mind what if he ever does this to me & the kids again because that really would be it

Does anyone know what book is good to read to try & understand addiction?

Hi Scoobydoo - so sorry but you CAN get through it. My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has been clean and sober now for two years. I thought our marriage was over - we went through hell. But after a few detoxes and eventually a long stint in residential rehab, he recovered. He still goes to AA nearly every day and is very involved. Remember an addict is an addict so your DH, like mine, will be/would be addicted to most anything he tried his hand at! I have a problem with my DH smoking now (I know that sounds pathetic but I am a lifelong loather of smoking) but realise that is a small thing. You asked for a books - the best ones I have ever read (and I have read lots, my DH jokes that we must have a better selection of addiction books than the local libray) are a series called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews - look on Amazon. There is also a fantastic message board. The are written for families of alcoholics but, as we know, the principles are the same. Remember, also, the AA Joke - "When does an addict lie" - "Whenever they open their mouths." True!! Good luck. e-mail me if you want support. People who haven't been through this sort of thing don't understand and I still find that few of my friends understand why I have stood by my DH as it hasn't been/isn't easy. We are still very broke, we lost our house and he is doing only a very little bit of freelance work. I really believe we can get there. Just remember though, however much it hurts, he cannot get clean for you or your family, no matter how much he loves you - he can ONLY do it for himself.

Thank you motheroftwoboys all you have said is so so true.

I can deal with the money side of things as it is not to bad, but he has spent our money i had saved for our new sofa which is ment to be arriving this week so i am trying to sell things i no longer need to raise it again all i can do is try.

I know he will always been an addict & i suppose the nieve background i was brought up in i never really understood the in's & out's of being an addict but i have now learn't so much, some would say to little to late but i think i have caught it just in time.

I do see his pain, he has sat & cried & also has said to me there is nothing he can say to turn back time, he said no matter what he did he always loved all of us.

I feel quite strong it's funny really because i did believe that my life was about to end & that i could not get through this but somehow i am managing to do so, only things like when the bank statement arrived on the doorstep this morning i saw all the money had been taken out, what date time etc & yes it hit me hard again speically when our savings account had the balance of £0.97

I am so sorry you have gone through something simular & i can feel your pain but 2 years on do you feel any better? do you see hope for the furture?

Scoobydoo, my sympathies are with you my dh is also a recovering addict, however after his mothers death he began gambling again and wasted hundreds which we don't have, I asked him to leave and missed him like you did with the kids questions of his whereabouts also causing pain. I took him back based on promises which he never kept. 12 months later we've figured out a way that's working for us at the moment, once there are no lies involved and he is open and honest with me I don't mind the odd bet here and there. As your predicament is with cocaine I don't know how you would feel with this. I must add that although we have this agreement in place I still do not trust him completely but I am hoping this can eventually be achieved. I sought the advice of professionals who warned not to tell him he couldn't do it as this would only make him want to do it more, I don't know how true this is but dh's gambling is very very rare these days