Can not believe this has happened to me, devastated & need your help..

[ScoobyDooooo]

I need advice on the most awful situation which has just hit & nearly ruined mine & my childrens whole life. I was going to change my name but i just feel i don't want to.

On Tuesday i found out dp had been lieing to me, we have been together 6 years & have 2 wonderful children, i thought throughout our relationship we had both been honest & open, well i have it now comes to light dp has not

Over the past few months i have noticed we don't seem to have much money, also we had svaed money in a barclays account to pay for our new sofa which is due to arrive next week, we have a cash card to get this money out but it went missing, dp said he did not have it, i could not find it anywhere, i asked dp to order a new one so he did, anyway after about 1 week the new one went missing too so i thought i was honestly going mad, dp swore he did not have it & i could have sworn i had put it in a draw.

Anyway last weekend we sold our car cause we need to buy 2 cars as dp changed his job & had no transport in his new job. We sold the car & had the cash in envelopes all spread out for a family car, a car for dp & some left over money.

On Tuesday i went to the money & found that £460 was missing from dp's car money, i phoned him straight up & this is when the bombshell was dropped.

He said he was sorry & that for the past 12 months he had been on cocaine, i had no idea he said he had got into debt where he had been "ticking it" from the dealers & that they now wanted there money I had no idea this was happening, he was doing it in the day time at work then coming home & sleeping also because he could not do it in front of me he would drink & drink at weekends i had no idea of this either as we had been living at my mums for 9 months, he used to go by the back door where he used to smoke but he was downing small bottles of vodka.

He has lied to me on so many occassions all the way through the 12 months, i am destroyed inside, i honestly thought he would never ever do this to me, i trusted him & i think this is why he has got away with it for so long.

He has a past with drugs from about 10 years ago he was an addict but got through it & moved on with life, i was not with him then but when i met him i new he had a colourful past, i just honestly believed he would not go back there

He siad when we went on holiday last year to the isle of wight with my sister & her husband my sisters husband offered him a "line" of coke on the beach when they were having a drink & night fishing, he said he done it because of the situation he was in but ever since that night his body has craved it & this is why he got hooked again

I feel so let down by him the most but also my sisters husband who new his past & also knows he has an addictive personality, it also comes to light when we moved out of my mothers to where we are now, my brother & herself found loads of empty vodka bottles in her outhouse but decided not to tell me, my brother also new for the 12 months he was on it but not to the extent he was on it he helped him get it sometimes though.
I feel like someone should have told me, i could have supported him & been there for him but they all let me down.

I sent him away to his parents house on wednesday night but i cried, had panic attacks was sick because i can't live without him but i also feel i can't live with him because he has betrayed my trust, lied to me & broken my heart. Also this night i put ds (4.11) to bed & he said to me daddy has gone far away he is not allowed to go far away & he cried himself to sleep, he was truly devasted & i could not deal with his pain or mine.

I also blame myself a bit for this because i have had PND since dd was born & been probably very hard to live with

Please help me what would your advice be? my life is a mess

That should be it has taken me a few days not weeks duh !

its not your fault that your dp is a lying tosser, you have to make him leave or it will keep happening.
my ds is also upset his dad has left( we just didnt get on any more), but you just have to get on with making your kids' lives as happy as you can.
your life is not in shreds, it will be fine.

I think he probably needs something like NA in his life ergularly as a reminder of the chaos that comes from his habit for all of you.This ongoing support seems to be the only way for most addicts and is what stops them having just that one (drink,line etc)which leads to this.I hope you can find the strength to do this as you sound like you have a good life otherwise x

Scooby you have to get some help for him and for you. My marriage has just broken up after discovering that my dh had been taking codiene for 11 years. He in the past was an alcoholic.

If they have that addictive personality then the reality is at some point they are going ot fall off the wagaon. Can you cope with living with that every day of your life. Wondering if he's taking or not.

I only ask because at times over the years I have known that dh had taken too many codiene and everytime I asked was he taking I was always told no and made to feel likke I didn't trust him, over the years it has detstroyed my self confidence and all the time he was taking.

An addict will go to any lengths to hide what they are doing they become fantastic liars.

But at least if you have love you have something to build upon.

Whichever route you choose you are going to need support from family members and counsellors.

{{{hugs}}}

I don't think falling off the wagon is a reality or inevitable with the right help and support.If everyone took that attitude recovery would be pointless.There is a whole other way of living but it takes work and support but is not impossible,I know lots of addicts living great lives now.

This is the problem he has been a fantastic liar, i have actually questioned him a few times over the 12 months if he was on drugs he said "no" not only was he doing this but when he could not take the drugs he was swigging vodka then passing out in bed, i did not even know he was drinking, he went to great lengths to cover his tracks!

It is all early days & to be honest a bloody mess, the immense pain i feel i just sometimes think i will never get over this, the 1 person in the world i trusted has taken all this away from me for bloody drugs!

Ok maybe there are those who don't but it is a possibility - I thought my dh had been living a great life for the past 11 years but it was life of deciet etc etc.

Maybe I was just too soft to see it.

He knows he owes up alot not just me but the kids too he has not been the greatest dad over the last yr now it all makes sense, total sense.

Apart from this addict side of him he is a lovely person, all my friends used to say "you are so lucky having X he adores you" now they probably take there words back because what has happened has shocked everyone!

notsofarnow - I am so sorry you have been through this for so so long, it being a whole yr has killed me inside so i can really understand where you are coming from

This is why you need professional help as it helps you understand that an addict will do anything for their drug of choice.They are not bad people it is an illness but it can be managed and overcome to some extent.If you don't have an addictive personality you can never truly feel what they do but there are books etc which make understanding it all easier.People do relapse from time to time that is true but many don't.He needs to get to the bottom of why he feels this need and tackle that

I really feel for you. But reading through these posts I do think there is hope. Your dh beat a serious addiction in the past, so you know he can do it. Sadly relapses can happen but he's built a good life away from drugs so that's a big positive.

Also, both of you also have lots of family support. And his new job sounds promising. Whether or not he is lieing about everyone taking cocaine in the old job, the sheer fact that he has sorted out a new job sounds like he's not too drawn into a negative spiral of addiction.

I think you are doing a really sensible thing by taking total control of the finances. Can your dh's wages be paid direct into your bank account? This helps keep temptation away and also makes it harder (but not impossible of course) for him to lie about money.

What about his friends and your social life? Is your dh seeing people who will tempt him into drugs? Can you work on this?

I agree with others who have said some sort of ongoing counselling or therapy is a good idea. Just because he beat his addiction in the past does not mean he is no longer an addict. I have no idea if there is anything he could get on prescription to help his addiction, but a drug counselling service should be able to tell you in confidence what the options are.

scoobydoooo - I think Noddyholder's message deserves repeating as it is spot on IMO

"don't think falling off the wagon is a reality or inevitable, with the right help and support. If everyone took that attitude recovery would be pointless. There is a whole other way of living but it takes work and support but is not impossible,I know lots of addicts living great lives now."

scoobydoo if you want to email me then please do, I don't know if I can be any help really but the offer's there. kath dot harry at hot mail dot co dot uk.

I have to say the my dh now says that he is clean and has been since christmas when he had a fit as a result of taking a months worth of tramadol in 5 days. He says that was enough to frighten him not to taking anything any more. He has had drug counselling and support from gp and weaned off the tramadol slowly. so has been totally clean for about 6 weeks or so I guess.

He too wasn;t the father he should/could have been and to be honest for about 6 months before he left life was awful. Shouting at the kids for anything and everything.

But if you dh wants to get there he will with the right help and support. But please get someone you can talk to too - someone independant of family or friends.

Scoobydooooo, so sorry you're going through this. I understand how devastating addication can be - I have been on both sides. I am a recovering alcoholic, and my late husband was also an alcoholic.

All addictions work in the same way, it's very common for someone to be dual addicted to drugs and alcohol. Similarly I believe their recovery is dependent on the addict's willingness to tackle their problem.

I don't think calling him a "lying tosser" would help in this instance. Addiction is a disease and although hard to understand, it may help you to think that he is not willfully doing this to destroy you. He is ill and needs treatment. Addiction is often termed a "family illness" because the ripples spread far and wide, and it's not just the addict/alcoholic who is affected. I'm sure his remorse and shame are real, if that makes any difference.

So I would suggest the same as the others below. Recovery takes a lot of effort on behalf of everyone involved, but you do all need support with it. For me, living a life without alcohol is done on a daily basis, by applying a programme of recovery and being vigilant at all times.

So, I would suggest, for him Cocaine Anonymous, Narcotic Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous. AAis the most well known and probably the easiest to locate a meeting, but the others are all fellowships based on the 12 step programme of recovery.

You (and your family) are also important in this so I would suggest you contact Families Anonymous or AlAnon.

I wish you well and hope you find a solution to this. These fellowships work, without AA I wouldn't be here today.

It is suggested for people with a dual diagnosis, that their primary addiction is tackled first. SO CA may be most relevant for him first.

Scoobydoooo - horrible this has happened, to feel all is lost. But some really good advice seems to be coming your way..

sorry, the 'most men' one.

scoobydoo...stay strong!..
(i remember your posts on housing and cant beleive you are having to go through this too....)

i think there is some great advice here, noddy and others...maybe NA have help group for families too? you so need to vent, talk, ... and its hard feeling like the only responsible adult on the scene
his dad sounds a star...gather the help you can get fromthe peeps that you trust and remember it is an addiction and can be overcome/ managed/ live full and fab life without.....he has everything to loose..and if he wants to change he can....

maybe the stress of your domestic life was just too much and he felt inadequate or such and handy crutch was around....not making excuses here and really feel for you and the young scoobies too...

also i would be angry at those around you who could have alerted you to some signs much earlier...and giving him coke when he had full blown addiction history is not on imho...

and as you say its the lies that hurt..its the trust that is hardest to regain...

i really hope it works out for you guys..

pan i'm glad you've done that as I thought they were particaully nasty and not v helpful tbh.

anyhow scooby. I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this, and I can't imagion what it's like for you - truely. I had an ex who did a lot of coke (hence now ex but no children were involved so it was easier if you will to walk away). it's a horrible horrible drug. (well all are actually).

I think it's a good idea you have control of all money - his bank cards etc - and give him an allowance as such - unfortunalty thou unless he's ready to stop completely then all the help in the world won't make him iyciwm (don't mean that to sound mean btw). his dad sounds like he's truely supportive of you both which is fantastic you'll both need all the help and RL support you can have. not surprised you're a bit upset with BIL for offering that first line considering he new the history - althou to be fair your DP is a grown man etc.

it will take a long battle and will be a hard slog - I have no doubt but you can make it i'm sure. remember we're here for you for support as well. and give those LO's a big squeeze. good luck.

also jsut wanted to add - pnd or not if your dp was this way inclined with the drugs he would have had them anyways I feel. you're not to blame at all for him falling off the wagon with your pnd, I know we all cope in various ways but well I just think yes he might have wanted an escap of whatever but that's an excuse.

Poor you Scoooby My Dh has an addictive personality too, and before we met he was addicted to Speed, He has been clean for 12 years now, but he knows that if he even did one line he would be addicted again.

I have idea what advice to give you, just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.

Thanks for all the support am in need of it at the moment as i feel quite let down by alot of people & not able to speak with them.

I know no one else is to blame but dp i just feel utterly let down, I thought we were so close...

I am going to buy a book on addictive personality to try & understand even better than i do because it is like any illness unless you have been or are going through it i don't think you can ever understand the full extent but i will try my up most hardest.

I thought i could never ever forgive him, i thought he had ruined everything i honestly believed this was the end & i could no longer help him through as he had destroyed me.

When i asked him to leave & go to his parents i sat & thgouth about things, i looked at my 2 wonderful innocent children & thought if i could find just that tiny bit of strength i & him owed it to them.

I know life is going to be hard & to be honest i did feel like i had no more to give but i have to find something somewhere for the sake of our family, everything else in our family is perfect, the love is there, the kids are 2 very happy children, family life is ok the one thing i really don't want to destroy all this is dp's addiction, i have to try to beleive we can get through this.

I have got all money, all bank cards even dp's where his wages go & if i have to sleep with it under my pillow then so be it.

Amongst all of this i feel hert broken & very empty at the moment, i thought our life was good but obviously i was living in no man land & dp was living in coco land!

I don't blame the people like BIL, my brother & my mother but i feel very very let down by these people i blame dp 100% but if they had alerted me i could have helped or even if they had not offered it then he may not have relapsed just yet!

He has parted from all the friends he had who are on drugs he himself has cut himself off, we don't live with my mother anymore so he will not be around my brother & he has not seen BIL for along time anyway (his choice)

I don't know but all i do know is i have to try and get through this for my kids, they are soo important to me & have a wonderful bond with there dad that i owe them this chance, at least if it does not work i can say i tried.

I can see exactly why you feel so let down but these people - they are family and are so close to you. It can really break your trust in people Do you think one reason people kept things from you was because you were suffering with PND? If this was a main reason, you need to make them realise you no longer have PND so that reason is no longer valid.

Is it any good having a quiet talk with each of them alone, to find out why they didn't tell you? Ask to hear their reasons. How did they think it would help you if they kept quiet? They must have had a reason. Tell them what this this secrecy has meant to you and how you never want them to do it again.

I can't stress enough how much you need to be supported too, you sound like you are willing to DH, which is fantastic for him, but you are just as affected by this addiction.

Families Anonymous is Narcotics Anonymous for the loved ones of addicts, I've found a list of meetings here. It's important for you, too, to take one day at a time.

All of these 12 step fellowships provide a safe place to develop strategies for dealing with someone's addiction whilst keeping yourself well.