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Original poster

This is never going to be a real relationship, is it?

38 replies

Blep · 05/11/2019 06:13

Been together about 3 years.

He won't move in with me or stay over at my house because he doesn't like the area i live in. I have met his family but he introduced me as a friend and hasn't told them we're together. He won't go on holidays with me, and when i tell him i want to go away somewhere he says things like "oh? Where are you thinking of going?" As if it doesn't even occur to him that i might want to go together.

He has helped me a lot in the past (financially/emotionally) so now whenever i bring up the things I'm not happy with, he makes me feel like I'm asking for too much.

He's always talking about moving house and has some vague plans to do so, with the implication that i could then move in with him. But he has been talking about it for a long time, and hasn't taken any real steps towards it.

I do believe that he loves me, but I'm finding it increasingly hard to believe anything will change.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/11/2019 06:18

I'd say you're right, it's never going to be the kind of relationship you want.

I bet the nice things he's done aren't so very extraordinary, but normal stuff.

Why have you accepted this so long?

Original poster
Blep · 05/11/2019 06:34

Because I'm scared of being alone. I don't really have any friends and I'm not close with my family. He does genuinely add a lot to my life, and what we have now seems to be enough for him. But it isn't enough for me.

OP posts:
allthatmalarkey · 05/11/2019 06:46

I think this is as much as he probably wants. If it isn't enough for you, then firstly you have to check with him that he's prepared to lose you rather than meet you halfway, and if he is you know you need to move on.

category12 · 05/11/2019 06:48

But maybe having him in your life is a comfort blanket that is stopping you from improving your social circle? Just enough to stave off loneliness, but not enough to bring happiness? He doesn't want to be the answer to your problem.

Maybe you could set yourself a six month goal - re-invent yourself a bit, build up a social network, get more emotionally independent of him (do some counselling or something to build yourself up), throw yourself into some changes - then review if this relationship is really where you want to be at that point.

priceofprogress · 05/11/2019 11:06

No, it isn’t.

He doesn’t publicly ‘own’ your relationship with the people who matter to him. You don’t live together, and he dangles that you might eventually but only on his terms (if he buys a house he may allow you to move in, not buying a house as partners). He expects if you want to sleep overnight together that you will always go to his. After three years you have nothing deeper than what most people have from the early stages of dating.

I’m really sorry but he’s not into you. You deserve better. By our three year anniversary we’d bought a house, were two months away from our wedding and pregnant with our first. You’re selling yourself very short indeed.

ChuckleBuckles · 05/11/2019 11:26

vague plans to do so, with the implication that i could then move in with him

You are trying to build the solid foundations of your future on some mist. he is happy enough to keep things as they are and hold you at a distance. He probably likes you well enough and wants the best for you as long as that does not interfere with what he wants or cause him discomfort in any way. Really what he is doing is wasting your time, he will know that you want a deeper relationship but this suits him fine until it doesn't any more and then he will be off, and he will rightly tell you that he never actually promised anything, it was just vague talk.

Take time to think what you really want OP an go out and get it for yourself, stop trying to keep this lukewarm romance from going cold completely. You deserve so much better.

Highandlow · 05/11/2019 15:23

You need to end this . It is clearly not enough and you deserve better . It isn’t a real relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2019 15:28

Have you actually talked to him about how you feel and what you want out of the relationship?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/11/2019 15:29

How old are you?

And sorry, but it either sounds as though your life plans are totally different or he's just not willing to commit.

Because I'm scared of being alone. I don't really have any friends and I'm not close with my family

Time to have a word with yourself. Join a gym. Talk to people at work. Reconnect with people you went to school with? Are you socially anxious? Could you get some counselling?

You need to do SOMETHING.

Stop isolating yourself and then pinning all your hopes on him. To be honest, it may be your lack of friends and dependence on him which is making him unwilling to take things further.

Either way, you deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound as if you are. So I think you need to take matters into your own hands and create your own happiness.

FetchezLaVache · 05/11/2019 15:36

The opposite of 'being alone' doesn't have to be 'in a not-very-committed, sort-of relationship with a man who won't even acknowledge you as his girlfriend to his family', you know, OP.

And what if @category12 is right and settling for this sort-of relationship is costing you opportunities to make friends and meet your soulmate?

Original poster
Blep · 05/11/2019 19:25

Thank you for all the replies, I've got a lot to think about.

I am about to start counselling.

We're both mid 30s, no kids. I desperately want a baby.

I forgot to mention that for various reasons I can't stay at his house either. We literally never spend the night together unless we go away (very rarely).

OP posts:
category12 · 05/11/2019 19:30

It doesn't sound like he's the best bet for a father to your dc. Does he want children?

If you're not on the same page to this extent, you really need to let go of him and get on with the rest of your life.

DonnaDarko · 05/11/2019 19:35

This doesn't even sound like a relationship to me, it sounds more like a casual fling. After 3 years he should be introducing you as his serious girlfriend/partner!

Original poster
Blep · 05/11/2019 19:44

He says he does want children. I'm getting really impatient due to my age and also having PCOS :(

OP posts:
category12 · 05/11/2019 19:49

But you've got to look at his actions.

3 years together and he won't even say you're his girlfriend to his family. Does that sound like he considers you the potential mother of his babies?

You don't have time to mess about like this. He has no cut-off point - he can dilly-dally for decades and still have dc. He can out-wait your fertility.

Start dating other people.

priceofprogress · 05/11/2019 20:41

You’re consciously and willingly throwing away the last of your fertile years on a man who isn’t going to give you a family. Please do explore that in counselling.

WaningGibbous · 05/11/2019 20:45

How often do you see him?
Does he invite your friends on romantic weekends away?

heartburn888 · 05/11/2019 20:59

I’d bin him off, he’s not going to commit and knows full well you are hinting about going away together. Sounds to me like he’s just treating you as a friend with benefits type of relationship. You deserve better.

Original poster
Blep · 05/11/2019 21:05

I usually see him a few nights a week. I work weekends so we can't really go away much.

I should mention we both have ASD symptoms although neither of us have a diagnosis.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/11/2019 21:21

What difference do you think potential ASD makes?

Original poster
Blep · 05/11/2019 21:49

Just that neither of us are good at social stuff.

OP posts:
Otavis · 05/11/2019 21:58

You’re desperate to have a baby with someone you’ve never lived with, who won’t go on holiday with you or even sleep in your house, and who’s not told his family or friends you’re his girlfriend?

Sorry, OP. You know perfectly well this isn’t a relationship, and it’s stopping you looking elsewhere.

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 05/11/2019 22:03

So you never spend the night together? Are you sure he’s not married/living with someone OP?

Cuttingthegrass · 05/11/2019 22:14

So he won’t stay at yours overnight as he doesn’t like the area? Does he spend the evening with you? Do you like the area. And you can’t stay at his. And you rarely go away.
Have you had any honest conversations about the future?

Sorry OP I think you need to have a serious heart to heart discussion with him. But you may be upset after it.

Love yourself. First and foremost. You can only control your behaviours

HouseworkAvoider10 · 05/11/2019 22:18

It sounds like you're being used.
You shouldn't let a man treat you like dirt.