Not been intimate for 7 years

[qookumba]

1st post here, please be nice.

Like the title says, my wife and I haven't had sex ever since I became disabled.

To look at me I'm 'normal' I have a hidden disability that means I can no longer walk very far and I get fatigued super easy. Sometimes I use sticks and sometimes a wheelchair.

My wife and I sleep in separate beds and have done for the last 3 years. We're just friends really. I love her and she knows that I love her, but I'm am not in love. (She cheated).

We have children and two of them are also disabled. I love them all and I rely on her for help and care.

I'm the wrong side of 40 and I want sex.

But having had the heart break of a failed marriage before this one, and knowing that a divorce would destroy my kids. What can I do?

I'm dying inside.

Maybe if she's happy enough in the situation as it is, (and possibly still interested in sex, but not with you) - you could maybe talk about having an open relationship on both sides?

Have you had this talk with your wife?

It sounds like your wife is your carer, that will have an impact on your sexual relationship. Do you have outside help or is your wife doing everything?

No-one "deserves" sex. Sex has to be mutually wanted.

I know it shouldn’t really make a difference, but was her affair before or after your health problems? How did you become aware of it?

As PP have said, I don’t think you can ignore the elephant in the room here. I’d suggest speaking to your wife and suggesting an open relationship if she’s no longer interested in sex with you.

'You deserve sex. Everyone does. Just making sure you know this. This isn't ok.'

Erm, nah! I used to have a partner who would say 'I deserve it.' I used to think, 'it doesn't work that way.' It really doesn't- well, it shouldn't.

'Deserve sex' oh come off it. Nobody deserves sex, it's a consensual activity not a right.

If you have desires that your relationship doesn't fulfill and you aren't in love with your wife then leave her OP. Are you with her because she is a carer for you? If so I would say it's fairly obvious you do not love her . You should appraise her of the fact so she can decide whether she wants to be a carer for somebody that does not love her and would leave if they had anywhere else to go and where not unwell. And I say that as a disabled person OP.

Are you getting and sticking to evidenced-based treatment for your illness? Medication/therapy/an exercise programme or whatever your doctor recommends and prescribes? If something hasn't worked, go back and they can try something else.

I ask because if I were a carer or even 'just' a partner, the biggest turn off in the world to me would be someone who wasn't making an evidence-based effort to get well, especially if I was having to care for them as a consequence.

I can’t see you getting this back after 7 years. It’s too long but you could try by having a discussion and both make the effort to do so. If this doesn’t work then you either

1. Accept it and carry on as you are
2. Discuss open relationships with her and see where that gets you. Unfortunately though it will be much easier for her to get a partner in this arrangement and that could lead to more resentment.
3. Find a lover and don’t tell her. Again, not easy and risky.
4. Leave and start again

There are no easy solutions in these situations.

I hate to say this but it’s very likely she just isn’t sexually interested in you. You can either accept that and the love and care . Is she kind to you and caring? That counts for a lot. Maybe she wants to leave but feels she will be judged because you are disabled. I hate to be harsh but if she doesn’t want sex, then it’s not something that’s easy to force. If you think you can’t live without it you need to have a hard discussion with her about it and accept stuff you may not want to hear.

Humans don't automatically "deserve" sex. It's an urge, and it's fun, and it's great with a partner who enjoys it as much as you.

But it's not a human right - it's dependent on finding a willing partner. Otherwise you're stomping on other people's right to bodily autonomy.

Fine to leave a sexless relationship if you're unhappy with it. Not fine to act like you are owed sex.

OP you say you love her but you’re not ‘in love’ with her. You can’t cope day to day without her support which is why you’ve stayed married. It sounds as though there is a very clear divide here between both of you where she sees the relationship as her being in a supportive/ caring role only and she no longer wants to be intimate with you. I think you need to have a conversation with her about seeking sex outside your marriage and/or an open relationship.

Sex isn't a necessity. It's a drive, it's nice, it's not essential. People can be celibate, even if they'd prefer not to be.

You have a choice, it seems to me. What do you want more, your family or sex?

There’s no way I could live like that OP.

I don’t think this is a tough choice, I’d have to end the relationship. If DH didn’t want sexual intimacy with me, I’d be thinking, what’s the point?

Good luck with what you decide to do

So what does separation look like OP?
Could you separate?
If you don't love her then you should not be together.
Certainly not romantically.
Would she be OK for you to all live together but have outside relationships to fulfill other needs?
I'm assuming she would like sex as well but isn't getting any.
Time for a sit down and a very honest and open discussion with your DW about all of this.
Listen to her. It sounds like she is doing an awful lot for you and your DC.

Did your wife instigate the no sex thing? Do you want to have sex with her again, or to find a different sexual partner?

You said she cheated so has this played a role? What does she want in terms of sex - do you have any idea?

Sounds as though you both have a lot on your plates in different ways. I think you should be able to have a conversation about your future, including sexual future.

If you want to stay in the marriage, and sex between you is off the table but you want to consider external sexual relationships, clearly the question whether you are happy for your wife to do the same (this would be only fair). I think you need to get down to the detail of these options, weighed against the prospect of splitting up. It really is a question of choices you and your DW could both best countenance.

A friend of mine has become disabled and I’ve seen first hand that it’s so tough them and their family - I’m very sorry OP

@hamstersaremyfriends 'Sex is a necessity.'

No, it absolutely ain't. No-one ever died from lack of sex (that is what 'necessity means.) Otherwise I would've died when I went without it for 8 years once.

It's a sick idea that someone 'deserves' sex. People use that idea to pressurise and coerce others.

And no I'm not saying this as a 'celibate mum.' I don't have children and maybe I'll want sex with someone else sometime, I expect so. Most people's libido has its ups and dons. Even when mine's on an extreme 'up' (I have bipolar so it can get insane) I'd never have thought I 'deserved' sex.

' I rely on her for help and care.'

Don't do this if you can avoid it. If you need it, claim disability money and employ a carer for some of the time. I got a cleaner once when I was particularly ill- stuff tends to be affordable if you prioritize it.

That way your wife will have a break, at least some of the time. I'm disabled, and I wouldn't expect any partner I were to have to do everything for me. It would also be my responsibility to do all I can to improve my health, relying on things with scientific evidence.

It's not fair if your wife feels trapped due to your illness (I'm not saying this is the case, just that it's a risk if you rely solely on her.)

@hamsteraremyfriends

Sex is a necessity. Agog that a PP thinks that celibacy is a state some people need to accept 'even if they don't like it.

I completely agree with you. Sex is necessary. It is part of the psychological part of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

I also notice that is a lot of defensiveness in some of these posts. If you are celibate that is your choice not your partners. In the MAJORITY of loving relationships sex is a necessity. If you think it is not then either you in the minority or in denial or not aware of your partners needs

I disagree with the language of "deserving" sex etc. Too many men feel entitled to women's bodies already.

I also think declaring sex as a blanket necessity erases asexuals and grey-sexuals, who do in fact exist.

Everyone should have the opportunity in life to form relationships and seek a willing partner for sex, if that's what they want. But if they can't find one, that's their own problem, not anyone else's.