Not been intimate for 7 years

[qookumba]

1st post here, please be nice.

Like the title says, my wife and I haven't had sex ever since I became disabled.

To look at me I'm 'normal' I have a hidden disability that means I can no longer walk very far and I get fatigued super easy. Sometimes I use sticks and sometimes a wheelchair.

My wife and I sleep in separate beds and have done for the last 3 years. We're just friends really. I love her and she knows that I love her, but I'm am not in love. (She cheated).

We have children and two of them are also disabled. I love them all and I rely on her for help and care.

I'm the wrong side of 40 and I want sex.

But having had the heart break of a failed marriage before this one, and knowing that a divorce would destroy my kids. What can I do?

I'm dying inside.

@qookumba have you considered couples counselling? This is something that should definitely be discussed by you and your wife in a safe space. It is a difficult situation for you both I think.

I understand what @hamstersaremyfriends is saying, I just think deserve isn't quite the right word. Deserve means:

do something or have or show qualities worthy of (a reaction which rewards or punishes as appropriate

So, if I've done a shedload of housework, my reward would be a glass (or two) of wine e.g. I had done something to warrant it. People shouldn't have to 'do' something to 'deserve' sex, it just becomes a currency then, something that can be given or withheld at will, if certain criteria isn't fulfilled. That's not healthy in any relationship.
But totally agree on the need to have it, and that if they do need/want it, they should be able to get it somewhere.
That's my take on it anyway.

"I disagree with the language of "deserving" sex etc...."

Nobody here is saying you deserve sex from someone who is unwilling to give it. What they are saying is you deserve the right to leave the relationship and seek it from someone who would be willing.

Precisely nobody is arguing that anyone should have to stay in a sexless marriage .

All this 'sex is a necessity' is beside the point. Op what do you actually want? You say that you and your wife are friends and you are not in love with her. You also say that you need her and don't want to divorce. You say you want sex but you don't say if you want it with her. So do you want a sexual relationship with your wife, or are you looking for sex outside of the marriage? Because no one can advise you without knowing what you want.

OP would you both give counselling a try? There seems so much to unpick here, you say that you rely on her to care for your two children and your needs since your disability, you are not in love with her, yet you are hurt by your lack of sexual intimacy. Do you think that may have made her feel resentful, that she senses that you are no longer in love with her, yet keep her around to keep life easier for you?

In those circumstances I think I would feel like sex was just another household chore that I am expected to take care of, and all this is in play before you even get to the difficulties of her affair. I think you need an objective eye to help you both be guided to a happier life, whether that is together or separate. I wish you well.