Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would mil truthfully wish my son dead?

70 replies

HalyardHitch · 04/11/2019 21:13

Ds1 has some concerning blood test results and symptoms. The gp wants us to see a paediatrician, luckily we already have an appointment for friday.

Dh was talking to mil to ask if they would be able to provide childcare so we could both go to the hospital and outlined potential concerns.

One of the potential things based on blood results and symptoms could be leukaemia (although realistically probably unlikely imho).

Mil was deeply unhappy about the potential for leukaemia and spent time telling DH just how disappointing it would be if he had blood and how many alternatives there are.

Dh pulled her up on it asked whether she'd be happy to see our son suffer or take blood. She is fully happy to see our son, her grandson, die rather than take blood.

I'm devastated

OP posts:
SusieOwl4 · 04/11/2019 22:20

I hope your son is ok. concentrate on him and just don't keep her informed .Its irrelevant .Do what you have to do and tackle her later if you have to.

Original poster
HalyardHitch · 04/11/2019 22:30

Dh says if we have bad results then we'll be cutting them of until treatment is finished. I just feel sick.

Dh also says it's not as black and white as I'm seeing it. I say that she would willingly refuse him a life saving blood transfusion if it were her decision.

I highly doubt he'll need it but I guess we're in a situation where it's not quite as hypothetical as it once were

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 04/11/2019 22:31

So sorry you're going through all this worry with your son. I'm glad neither you or your DH are into that flaky JW cult stuff, so you can just ignore that BS. That cult is destructive in so many ways. I'm glad your DH has found you and wish you all the best.

Please take every recommended treatment. Best wishes for Friday, please let us know how it goes xxx

Original poster
HalyardHitch · 04/11/2019 22:32

At least, I'm hoping it's all minor and that we can get some answers on friday. There's definitely an issue with the results we've had so far but I'm confused as to what the issues are. I think ds1's nose bleed this evening has really unsettled dh (I wasn't there so can't comment)

OP posts:
MesmorisedByTheLights · 04/11/2019 22:38

I sincerely hope that nothing serious is wrong with your son, OP. You must be in pieces and so, so worried.

Please try not to think about this anymore. What she thinks is not important in this case, she gets no say in any of it.

Besidesthepoint · 04/11/2019 23:16

Can you ask someone else? A neighbour, friend or coworker? Most people would probably like to help in a situation like that. I hope your son will be ok in time. I don't know what to say about your MIL, I just can't fathom the respons.

notapizzaeater · 04/11/2019 23:32

Hope your son is ok - you can't argue with JW because they believe the6 are right and you are most def wrong !

Constantbronchitislaryngitis · 04/11/2019 23:56

Look after yourself and your boy
Try not to let this issue upset you mad some people have said the afterlife is more important than the actual life to jw

The fact that you and your hubby aren’t jw means you can let her know where she stands if the tine comes and she can perhaps politely understand that your priority is life for your boy.
I’m feeling angry with your mil
She should know by her age that science prevails for every other religion except for hers.
Take lots of deep breaths and concentrate on looking after your lovely family xxx

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/11/2019 00:02

Not just JW but a lot of Muslims also feel this way about blood products. You need to remember that she didn’t say that because she doesn’t love your son, but that she believes losing his body is better than the alternative which is losing his soul / right to go to heaven. Just ignore it (know it’s difficult!) as you would any stupid ignorant and religious comment.

RantyAnty · 05/11/2019 00:04

Focus on your DS. He is what's most important.

Pay the cult talk no mind at all. Pretend she was speaking about aliens and you can roll your eyes to yourself about the ridiculousness of it.

mumwon · 05/11/2019 00:16

dear op first there are lots of things that it could be & the worst time is always waiting for results when you don't know & you feel powerless Your mil comments came at the worst time because of how difficult the wait for these results are - you need to ignore your mil - & you can do so because your husband doesn't support her but you in this. I hope that your fears are not realized & that the test results mean that treatment is simple & straightforward for your son. Thinking of you

mumwon · 05/11/2019 00:19

(ps bleeding could be something like ITP - low platelets & that can be treated)

UpUpandAwaywithyou · 05/11/2019 00:23

OP, it’s awful that you’re family is dealing with this. Flowers

I think your MIL is also extremely distressed and worried for your son, as any family member would be. Sometimes people just blurt things out when they aren’t sure what to do or say or it’s on their mind. I think the complication is her beliefs conflict with what you and your DH would want for your son if the worst happened. I strongly doubt she’d be opposed (in reality opposed to theory). Don’t add this stress to your already complex life. If she doesn’t like it, that’s fine. It’s not her choice.

Sending love x

IAmPrettyWisdomous · 05/11/2019 00:27

@GrumpyHoonMain I have never during all my research and understanding and communicating with the Muslim community believed it to be true - what you are stating. Could you cite source for this as it's certainly not written in the Quran or Hadith. I truly hate the spread of false infomation especially during a time Islamophobia is so very high. It is absolutely permissible for a Muslim to receive a blood transfusion if no other treatment is available and a fusion would save their life.

JW is the only well known religion that truly has belief in this and it is documented and very, very well known.

OP, I completely understand you must be terrified but you are being over-dramatic and it is wrong for you to be twisting this and telling it as though she wishes he would rather be dead. As your husband said, it's not so black and white.

Right now, no one knows what the exact situation is and he may not need any blood, which would make all of this a moot point and cause all unnecessary hurt.

As humans, we can surprise ourselves with our reaction, I would hope you never face this situation but she may even drop her beliefs if it truly came to such a decision.

Nonetheless, right now is not the time to dwell on her beliefs, but to focus on your child and for you and your husband to be each other's support. Please stop making comments about his mother to him during this time it will not help.

I truly hope your little one has nothing seriously wrong and is able to make a full recovery very, very soon.

Best wishes to you and your family, here's hoping you all have some good news coming your way.

RJnomore1 · 05/11/2019 04:45

OP you are absolutely allowed to feel like this. I totally disagree with previous posters, you have no need to even attempt to understand the woman’s position. You need to focus on your child.

Unfortunately it is that black and white for your mil. I was raised as a JW too so I understand where your husband is coming from though.

However her beliefs are not your concern and if it is distressing to you you are entitled to create as much space as you need to focus on your son. Your husbands reactions will be hugely complicated and shaped by the emotional abuse that religion inflicted on him as a child.

I truly hope your son is ok and you are very self aware that this is a way of yourself taking your attention away from your immediate fear about him.

category12 · 05/11/2019 06:07

I hope your son gets better soon and that it's not as serious as you fear. Flowers

Your Mil is what she is.

Be furious with her, or upset, if it gives you something else to think about right now - but remember she's your dh's mum, so don't direct it his way - he doesn't need to deal with your emotions about his family or upbringing on top of the worry over your child.

Rage to friends you can trust to keep schtum.

BillywilliamV · 05/11/2019 06:12

From her point of view the soul is more important than his body. She doesn’t want him dead, she wants him to have eternal life. It’s a severely skewed way of looking at things but it is a form of caring I suppose,

Hopoindown31 · 05/11/2019 06:45

Cult members aren't capable of rational thought, that is why they are cult members. You MILs views have no bearing on your son's treatment so just ignore her. If she can't accept it, that is her problem.

Original poster
HalyardHitch · 05/11/2019 06:59

@RJnomore1 I think you've summarised it well for me. I'm feeling really protective of my husband right now and mostly at the sharp end of the knife thinking about what it was like for him as a child.

On balance, I'm sure ds1 will be fine. He has some red flags but red flags can also mean something minor. The gp simply said she's concerned because there are certain results that she can't explain (among other things). It's only tuesday and I'm sick with worry until Friday.

We had this situation with my sil not so long ago. Mil said someone she knows died during pregnancy because she needed blood but it was just unfortunate because her body wasn't built for it. This mother left behind two kids. (On you tube they have videos of thousands of people clapping a child dying because they didnt want blood).

OP posts:
PurrBox · 05/11/2019 07:01

It is very shocking that MIL could still put her religion first when confronted by the reality that sticking to her beliefs would mean she would never see her grandson again because, without a transfusion, he would die. This is very shocking, however much you are aware of the beliefs of JWs.

I guess I would hope that, when push came to shove, even a diehard religious fanatic would say to go ahead with lifesaving treatment. I would keep hoping this even though I am aware that a fanatic is likely to cling to their beliefs.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/11/2019 07:10

I think when she starts saying unhelpful hurtful things you need a breezy brush off, tell her you don't want to discuss it. If that doesn't work I agree younneed to avoid her as much as possible

PurpleDaisies · 05/11/2019 07:50

I agree, just don’t engage with those conversations.

Hope your son is ok.

Original poster
HalyardHitch · 05/11/2019 08:46

Dh is really stressed about the conversation they had. He took it really personally. I wasnt there so am just upset for him really. He feels mil put her religion above him as a child so I guess his emotions are pretty complex.

That aside, like anything medical, it can be ok or not ok. It's a worry that his test results have meant a hospital referral because I guess that means further testing/investigation.

He had another nose bleed again this morning and looks awful

OP posts:
Chickychickydodah · 05/11/2019 09:05

It is your child and if you are not at Jw then it is your choice how your child is treated not hers, I hope all goes well .

hellsbellsmelons · 05/11/2019 09:20

Your poor DS.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
If you are really worried about the nosebleeds and they continue then a trip to A&E might be needed or an emergency appointment at your GP.
I'd say - try not to worry too much until Friday - but that is something I know you cannot possibly do.
Try to eat though and keep hydrated.
Lots of hugs for your DS from all of us at MN!!!