Parents thinking about divorce

[Scarfaceclaw21]

My parents are 64 and 65 and thinking about divorce. They have a complex relationship, I think my dm has undiagnosed mental health problems. A single issue has triggered a huge disagreement, which my dm says cannot be overcome.

I am a grown woman with kids of my own, who adore their grandparents and see them very often. I am in bits thinking about all the future Christmases, parties weddings etc... Where one person will inevitably be left out. I am desperate to keep my family together. I am scared this will ruin our wider family dynamic and every future event. My dm will not be amicable with him if they break up.

Talk to them about your concerns NOW before it goes any further. Explain to your DM in particular that they will have alternate Christmases with you, and on the others they might be alone if they can't go anywhere else. Similarly with other family occasions. What happens when the DC get married? Birthday parties? DM can't assume that she will be invited, and dp left out in the cold.

Honestly, there isn't a thing you should or could do about it. You have to let it happen, or not, and deal with the consequences. It's not nice, but it's life. Specifically their life.

Nobody needs to be left out. But people can decide to exclude themselves, that is their choice. As it is their choice to separate. If they can’t stand each other enough to attend a party together, then it is unlikely they can live together.

If you DM has mental health problems then encourage her to get help. Don’t encourage her to stay in a bad marriage that will add to her problems and don’t guilt her into staying.

It’s entirely possible to experience a MH condition and be able to occupy the same space as your ex.

Single, my dsis is talking to her now. My concern is she is angry and not thinking about the long term. My dad would look after her in ill health, does everything round the house, they would have a much more comfortable retirement together for so many reasons.

Pog when both of your parents are in tears and calling you night and day what do you suggest I do? Tell them it has nothing to do with me I suppose. Well, I can't and won't do that.

when both of your parents are in tears and calling you night and day what do you suggest I do? Tell them it has nothing to do with me I suppose. Well, I can't and won't do that. You tell them both the same thing. You are their CHILD! You love them both and WILL NOT be taking sides. They cannot use you or your DSis as emotional punch bags. Lean on you yes, cry at you and demand more, no!

Both of my parents matter equally to me, and I want to support my dad was well my mum. And I want my children to continue their already warm and loving relationship with both parents.

I don't want my dm to struggle without my dad, because she relies on him so much and doesn't realise it. I don't want either of them to be lonely in their old age.

But you are so right, I am selfish, should be shouted at, and told to shut up.

Is that the right kind of advice for a supportive site for women? Abuse and demands. Charming.

Lemon I agree with you in principle but it's a complex dynamic. My dad actually supports my mum a great deal which she can't or won't acknowledge. the toxicity comes from her. She currently will not speak to him. Its been going on for weeks. We have all begged her to get help.

They should stay together so they don't spoil your Christmases? Wtf?

We don't stop being people when we hit sixty, you know. I was out on Friday night and two gorgeous old blokes were trying to pull me. It was fun.

Your parents have to do what's best for them - or the best they can make of the situation.

I suspect you're concerned that care of your mother might fall to you. Be clear how much you can do and what you can't.

This is hard. Your parents are adults and old enough to make their own decisions. If your dad believes that the relationship has run its course then he has a right to end it. If there is another woman (or man) that is a different dynamic but it doesn't sound as if this is the case.

You say their relationship is complex. Have they tried counselling?

OK, I have posted in haste and not really explained myself. My family are very, very into big get together. This is largely driven by my ml parents who claim, very often, that being a grandparent is the one thing that keeps them going. They have never really developed friendships or hobbies. They both had difficult if not traumatic childhoods and find relationships hard. They have always taken solace in their family, and I am concerned they haven't considered that their divorce might render the one thing that they say they cherish.

For the record, I love both of my parents and would do anything for either of them. Hence why I am so upset. I relocated about 5 years ago to be closer to them after moving away and we were all very happy to be closer together. I speak to my dm every day on the phone and see her several times a week. I would never want to hurt her or my dad

Ignore the unhelpful previous posters. You sound like a great daughter.

If the main issue is your mum's mental health and her toxicity towards your dad, then perhaps that needs to be looked at first. Could a group of family members stage some kind of gentle intervention? To try and convince her to get help?

Or if she is adamant, then perhaps a trial separation? So that she can see how difficult things could be on her own. Nothing legal needs to happen at this stage.

Definitely no affair and it is my dm who wants to end the marriage

Can you sit down with her and go through the practicalities. Where will she live? Is she still working or is she reliant on a pension? How will Christmas work? A dose of realism might help. Divorce is expensive,

If there might be MH issues can one of you go to the dr with her?

I am desperate to keep my family together. I am scared this will ruin our wider family dynamic and every future event. OK, I'll be more polite! But I cannot believe that anyone would post this given all of the other issues included in the OP!

THAT is selfish! Your mum has one set of issues your dad another. But you focus on how their actions might affect you. Breaking up won't affect their being grandparents. They will just grandparent as individuals. You can do a lot to facilitate this, but you need to decide to do that rather than fear the changes it will bring to your life. They can't stay married to please you, can they?

Curious. No they can't. I wouldn't expect them to. But, as you can see from my subsequent posts my parents have no hobbies, interests, friends. The only thing they have is family. The only thing they care about is family. So if they have a very acrimonious divorce, they may well end up losing that too. I wouldn't want scream ing/shouting around my young children.

I think the idea that people can divorce and it has no consequences on the people around them incredibly naive. As an adult it effects me to a degree but it will have a huge impact on my dc.

Mostly I think encouraging them both to look at their decisions and how it will effect them in 2/5/10 years time is the best way to get them to see the enormity of the decision to split.

I hate that anyone is thinking of me as selfish. I don't see how spending hours and hours on the phone and in person encouraging counselling/seeing gp/visiting friends etc is selfish. I am trying to help them make an informed decision about a life changing possibility after 40 years of marriage.

OP, of course you are terribly upset.

Of course you are looking at the wider issues.

Perhaps put everything down on paper for your Mum.

First off, tell her you respect her decision.

Then ask her how she imagines life will continue on as you list all the things your father does now for her. How does she think she will manage and what is her plan?

Then list out all the family events.
Stating clearly that you will not be taking sides.
Your father will be welcome to every event but if she has a problem being in the same room as him, it will be her who will not be seeing the family as much.

I'm writing this based on the fact that your father and mother have decided to seperate without any violence or abuse.

If you believe your mother is just throwing in the towel with her marriage, I think it is entirely reasonable that you spell out the realities of it to her.

She cannot write your father out of the picture.

Perhaps at the very least putting it in black and white may help her to calm down and be more reasonable about the future if they do seperate.

Wishing you strength 💐

I think the idea that people can divorce and it has no consequences on the people around them incredibly naive. As an adult it effects me to a degree but it will have a huge impact on my dc. But you are still doing it. I know how traumatic it can be. But have you thought that maybe their being so insular is because they are still together. That if they split up they will BOTH find other things to do with their lives and be much happier.

Mostly I think encouraging them both to look at their decisions and how it will effect them in 2/5/10 years time is the best way to get them to see the enormity of the decision to split. You are infantilising them. In trying to help them make an informed decision about a life changing possibility after 40 years of marriage you are applying emotional pressure to stay together. It is probably a hard enough decision as it is without their child/ren trying to dissaude them.

Your DM wants to divorce your DF and that is her choice. She can't stay with him to keep you happy. Sadly when parents divorce it does affect their children, no matter how old those children are.

It may well affect future Christmases. It is up to them to be grown up about it and not cause you all problems by it. There is no reason for them to have an acrimonious divorce. They can decide not to behave badly through a divorce. It is their choice to make.

They will clearly have to re-evaluate their lives after divorce and, moving forward, find some friends and pastimes. They cannot expect family to provide their reason for being.

Has the idea of divorce been mentioned before? I ask because the dynamic sounds like that of my parents and they were getting divorced from their honeymoon to my df's death 48 years later.

What was the issue and is there any ways of resolving it that they might not have considered?

when both of your parents are in tears and calling you night and day what do you suggest I do?

My parents used to do that regularly. I politely pointed out that they were adults, I couldn't fix their relationship beyond the advice I'd already given and that they'd ignored because it didn't suit them and then I'd either change the subject or hang up.

I would ask your dm how she intends living/funding/organisng herself post divorce and point out any flaws in her thinking but ultimately if she's right and she can't see past this particular issue, then your options are limited.

Whitleyboy. I agree with you, but that doesn't mean that's not just how things are. There is no reason for acrinony but people v often are.

Curious, if splitting would make them happier and encourage them to be independent I would never want to stand in the way of that.

I probably am infantilising them but they are constantly calling and meeting with me about it whilst being v emotional and asking for my input.

I probably am infantilising them but they are constantly calling and meeting with me about it whilst being v emotional and asking for my input. They are both being very unfair on you, and persumably your DSis. You both need to tell them that they need to stop putting that sort of emotional burden on their children. As I said before, they can lean on you for support, but if your reaction is a direct response to the emotional pressure they are applying to you then it is really unhealthy for everyone and you ALL need to stop and take a small step back to regain your equilibrium!

Actually the comment about infantilising has made me think, we are in an odd dynamic. I can never complain or have anything negative to say (dh doesn't want me to upset dm as she obsessed over stuff), so I end up leaving all my stuff to just me and dh to deal with, but spend all my time with my parents focused on helping them/discussing their various problems. Hmmm.