Parents thinking about divorce

[Scarfaceclaw21]

My parents are 64 and 65 and thinking about divorce. They have a complex relationship, I think my dm has undiagnosed mental health problems. A single issue has triggered a huge disagreement, which my dm says cannot be overcome.

I am a grown woman with kids of my own, who adore their grandparents and see them very often. I am in bits thinking about all the future Christmases, parties weddings etc... Where one person will inevitably be left out. I am desperate to keep my family together. I am scared this will ruin our wider family dynamic and every future event. My dm will not be amicable with him if they break up.

Good I'm glad you are seeing it from a different point of view now. It's hard when your whole life has been in a certain dynamic to see it from a different perspective. This level of dependence on a child and family for emotional support and decision making just isn't right. You need to be left to steer your own life but so do they.
I am their age, with children your age so maybe I'm seeing it differently.

OP, it sounds as if you are massively overly involved in your parents marriage and have been for a long time....maybe your whole life?

Not a criticism of you, but that is such an unhealthy dynamic which is very damaging for a child and has an impact on your life.

Being in the role of carer when you are not emotionally mature enough for it.

There is good advice above but probably pulling back a bit and a bit of self care would be an idea.

Certainly speaking to someone to support you IRL, ie a therapist could be helpful.

It sounds like a very stressful situation 💐

I find it a little bit painful to be labelled as not emotionally mature. I manage to raise both of my kids and have a good relationship with my husband, against a back drop of a fairly dysfunctional, co-dependent family dynamic.

I think if I were only hearing one side of the argument, and I was more detached, for example a less close friend, I would be able to be more helpful and objective, but I care about both of them deeply.

Pulling back is clearly necessary, but I also want to have my conscience clear that I have tried to help. I need to re evaluate what helping them means however, and maybe being a little bit more firm and detached would help them in the long run.

Good luck with that.

It is very difficult to take the first step, but the relief it brings makes the second and third far easier to take!

OP I could have written your post. My parents are very similar to yours. They have been threatening to get a divorce for approximately 30 of their 40 years together. When it's good they are so happy but when it's bad they take turns bitching to me about the other. It has shredded my nerves over the last ten years as they have both leaned on me more and more.

I did go through in detail the finances and realities of living apart with them separately, so they both had a good grasp of the facts. Both were horrified. They love and hate eachother in equal measure and they both need eachother too. I also fear them both heading for old age lonely, but also think I don't want them to spend the rest of their lives arguing with eachother!

I don't have any advice I'm afraid. Other than to put your life jacket on first and tell them that their issues are too much and too close to home for you to deal with, and get them to offload elsewhere. It will break your heart but save your sanity. Which is just as important.

Solidarity sister x

But have you thought that maybe their being so insular is because they are still together. That if they split up they will BOTH find other things to do with their lives and be much happier.*

I totally agree with this. They can divorce oft why want to and you and the children will have to adjust accordingly - they can have two Christmases etc you rearrange so Christmas Eve with one Boxing Day with the other - whatever suits. Maybe one didn’t like the other having friends? Maybe one wanted hobbies and the other objected?

You see so many threads on here where couples become one person and it’s clearly unhealthy (and must be so boring!) if you do everything together than what do you bring new to the relationship?

Step back and tell them to sort themselves out - they’re grown ups.

@Scarfaceclaw21

I certainly don't mean you are emotionally immature now.....I meant it as a child.

Children that are overly involved in their parents marriage, perhaps as a result of seeing too much, being a confidante of an unhappy parent, are too "emotionally immature" to be dealing with those emotions and theme's.

It can be overwhelming and is very wrong of the parent.

Children should not be put in the role of carer.

Children should not be their parents confidante, it is damaging.

Apologies if I wasn't clear.