Husband angry/irritable ALL the time!!

[Littlestlily]

my husband has been irritable, angry, argumentative for a good 6 months, it’s getting progressively worse, I thought it was to do with his job, which he hated, but he’s had a new job, which he says he loves, for the past two months, however, he still finds every opportunity to be angry with either me, the children or both .
He avoids intimacy with me, which has been an issue for many months, on the most recent occasion, citing the fact that I had mismatched pyjamas on after putting the kids to bed as a “mood killer” yes , I get the concept of keeping the romance alive in a relationship, but it’s not as if any effort is put in on his side, and putting 4 kids to bed doesn’t really tally with alluring nightwear .
I’ve asked if there’s anything bothering him, if he’s upset with me, all of which ends as soon as I’ve asked with him saying “don’t try to start an argument” I’ve come to the end of my tether tonight, he’s snapped at me again about such a trivial thing, I’m sick to death of it, what’s the right thing to do? He can be so lovely but it’s been so long since he’s been the man I fell in love with , I haven’t seen that side of him for over a year.
What should I do?

Start making plans to leave? What else can you do?

First, it's not your fault. He will want you to believe that but it's about him.
This sounds so similar to my ex's behaviour in the lead up to him leaving. He was in the midst of a midlife cridis, incredibly unhappy and having an affair.
So all that unhappiness and guilt was projected onto me and the kids.
If I could go back I would set clear boundaries, stand up for myself, and tell him to leave or sort himself out.

Have a conversation with him, cards on the table, and tell him you can't take it any more. He can decide - shape up or ship out. Maybe he's just looking for an excuse to leave. Maybe there's an OW?

I have started to think about leaving, the reality of it with four young children, is a scary thought, I don’t want to leave, I want him to love me again , he won’t talk to me or even admit that there’s anything wrong, I’ve seen couples that carry on and end up miserable together when they’re old and that scares the crap out of me, I don’t want to be them .

Sounds really lonely. I’d tell him it’s time to talk, keep calm and refuse to accept an angry reply. State your case. Ask him what he wants, then tell him what you’re prepared to accept.
I’m sorry he’s stopped communicating with you, it sounds miserable.

Why not say something like "I'm not trying to start an argument, I'm worried about you, you seem not yourself, what's going on with you, can I help?"

Assuming you still love/care about him that is. If he's gone too far in treating you like shit then no don't be his counsellor!

He could be depressed, though the loving his job stuff makes that seem less likely. He could just be an arse.
Could you ask him "you behave as if you want to leave me. Do you?"

I have considered the OW option, the reality of that would be an emotional not physical relationship, because he’s always home straight after work and doesn’t stay out nights or even go out much, there was a situation in May where he was texting a female work colleague an inappropriate amount, I confronted him and he removed her number from his contacts and doesn’t seem to have any contact with her now (new job ) he just has no interest in me , in my work or in having any conversation with me. I feel very lonely

Get your ducks in a row OP. Have you thought about relate?

Are you sure he’s not contacting his female colleague in secret?

Before contemplating leaving I think it’s important that you get to the bottom of the reason for his moods- could he be depressed? Is it worth getting him to the doctors? Have you asked him to go to counselling etc? It sounds as though before this 6 months you had a great relationship. If it was me I would want to see the reason and try to fix it before throwing in the towel.

Thank you @spritesobright, I’m at the stage where I’m thinking it’s my fault, I’ve tried to change my behaviour, be more attractive, I get up every morning to make his breakfast and packed lunch so he feels appreciated (yes, I know he’s a grown man! ) but there’s no pleasing him! Just writing this makes me feel like a mug!

So you had an issue with him texting another woman inappropriately , back in May. Six months ago. And he has been unpleasant towards you for six months . I think you have answered your own question OP. You may think that he stopped contacting her immediately, but I'd bet that he actually didn't. Sorry but he sounds like a man who is having an affair .

I’ve talked to him about relate, there’s no problem according to him however, he’s said that if he’s grumpy I just need to put up with it , the issue with counselling where we live (rural) is that there is very little provision, only private which is £80 per hour, steep for us, not something we could do for any length of time

This sounds like something you can get through. Try and plan some time just the two of you. You need to chat to him about this. It does sound like he may be/thinking about having an affair

No. There is no pleasing him. So stop trying. Just stop.

And plan your exit if you can.

He's treating you so badly. How dare he?

I would leave. With the dcs.

Your h has failed you all. Time and time again.

Hi OP, just get your ducks in a row to leave. Great if it does not come to that but right now all the signals are that it may. Don't be taken by surprise, no one wants this, but if it is going to happen - be ready for you and your kids - Best of luck.

I would not leave, I would be telling him he has till Monday evening to start treating you with respect and changing his ways.

Add to the conversation if there is no improvement HE will be leaving on Tuesday evening.

Be direct with him and stop pussyfooting around, you have children why should you leave !!!

You have done nothing wrong.

He’s either depressed or there’s another woman i suspect. Do not be fooled that he has stopped all contact with that woman. Could he have another phone?

I walked off from my partner last night as I’m sick of him speaking to me like dirt. I’ve not spoken to him today and I’ve quite enjoyed not being out down or spoken to like an imbecile all day.

Agree with @ShippingNews

I think he resents you being around and ruining what could have been with the female friend

I bet he’s got with OW. And is being horrible because he feels guilty. Ask him.

there’s no problem according to him

Well, that’s obviously bullshit, because there is a HUGE problem in that he’s treating you appallingly.

however, he’s said that if he’s grumpy I just need to put up with it

Bollocks do you! No, you definitely don’t. He is the one with the problem. He is the one who needs to shape up or ship out.

Sorry, but don't assume that just because he doesn't go out after work that he couldn't be having an affair. My ex h was sleeping with a work colleague and they would have sex at lunchtime or sneak off to the bathroom together.

Who suggested the new job?

I confronted him and he removed her from his contacts

Sorry but I'd bet that he simply changed her name on his list, ie from Mary to Mark.

Everything he is doing , strongly suggests that he wants to be with OW and you are in the way of that. I've been where you are - this is all horribly familiar. Get ready to leave , OP.

Sadly, in my experience, this sounds like a man fed up with his (family) life yet doesn't have the balls to either end it and be the "bad guy" or try to fix it. Instead he will stay in denial and make you both more and more miserable, make you feel more and more crazy and paranoid, until you eventually snap and make the decision to walk.

I'll bet my house on it the ex-colleague is not the only other woman he has been chatting with. It's classic escapism and the pathway to full-blown affairs.

You can't make him love you and want you. You need to prepare yourself for a future without him.