Inheritance

[Silencedwitness]

Dh and I have been together 15 years. We’re married with 3 kids (two have Sen, one has very complex needs and is unlikely to ever live independently). We decided several years ago that because the kids with Sen were really struggling in nursery that one of us wouldn’t work. We decided it would be me (my dh has very limited patience). I have about 20k in savings but obviously have no income and no private pension. My dh is tricky. We don’t row but I very much carry the load regarding the kids even at the weekends. I’m aware that marriages break down especially those where children have Sen. My parents plan on giving me money from a property they’ve sold and say they plan to pay down some of our mortgage. Obviously this is great. But I’m unsure about putting any money from my parents into the house. I’m not saying dh and I will split but I am aware that things can change and I’m in a hugely vulnerable position. That said his wage is paying the mortgage. So what would you do? Should I protect my inheritance by banking it or putting some into our house? Our relationship isn’t bad but equally I don’t feel as supported by him as I wish I was and I’m aware how easily people split up.

Op, I honestly think that you should ask your parents to hold until the money for a year or two.
As another poster has stated, both you and your husband have contributed equally to the marriage in different ways.
However, as a SAHP you would probably be in a vulnerable position and you have to protect your interest. The fact that you have some doubts about the relationship suggest that all is not well.

Any form of gifting to the children will mean you cannot (or should not) access that again for future housing etc

Although you could benefit from the funds now I am siding with the posters who suggest your parents keeping it for a while. Although you could later fall foul of gift allowances and care cost avoidance. Tricky

I would love a job but there is no way my husband would reduce his hours. I had an interview for a home based role the other day but didn’t get it. So I am looking.

I suppose I’m just not very trusting as I’ve seen very solid couples split up and as the main carer I have a very wobbly cv because of the kids. And there is absolutely no provision for children with Sen in the holidays here and believe me I’ve looked.

It’s something to think about thank you.

Do you get carers allowance, OP?

I agree you are potentially very vulnerable.

I imagine your parents want to give you this money now partly to relive pressure when you most need it and partly to forfend against inheritance tax.

Are they likely to last another 7 years?

Bear in mind Money in your account will make you ineligible for any means tested benefits should the need arise.

I think they and you need to take some financial advice.

I wonder if they used the money to put into another property that was held in trust for you stipulating that the rental income was to be used for the upkeep of your kids? So you could use that income within your household income now but the house remains in trust for you. This is fantasy on my part, I have no idea if this is legal or possible.

OP I think you need to discuss with your husband ways to make you more secure financially. Hiding money when he has always shared all his with you would be a massive betrayal. You have agreed to be a team and it's not as if you are on the verge of splitting.

Again, would you be ok with your husband hiding money from you?

I should point out I wouldn’t be hiding it. My mum brought it up yesterday so he knows it’s likely that we’ll be given money.

It I were you - I’d tell parents to set up a trust in your children’s names. Naming themselves and you as trustees.
And trust’s terms to stipulate the money can only be used for the kids.
It’s their right to do so and protects everyone.
And in the future - should anything go wrong - these money won’t be considered marital assets and will provide extra for your kids.

As you already have 20k in savings I would let them pay off a chunk of your mortgage. It could relieve a bit of the stress you are under leading to a better relationship. Then you should have a conversation about how you now want to sort out your own pension provision and set it up asap.

You need to see someone who can draw up a Declaration of Trust. I was lucky to get an inheritance recently which enabled me to pay off some of our mortgage. Things with DH had been rocky for a while so I wanted to protect myself. We have 3 DC. The Declaration of Trust states that I own 75% of the house, he owns 25%. He was actually fine with this, I thought it might have been a more difficult conversation!

It's a good idea to put inheritance money into your mortgage IMO because if you calculate how much intérêt you're saving by reducing the term or the payments, it's usually pretty significant.

I am wondering why you feel so vulnerable? Is your marriage going well? Is something bigger going on that you haven't considered consciously. Most happily married couples ensure their financial needs are met, and have some security (and you do have this already) back up plan and then get on enjoy their lives together, they don't tend to feel it is all going to go wrong at any moment.

The very fact you are considering any of these options, and you don't feel safe is not an especially good sign.

I would be retraining whilst caring for the kids or finding a way to get back into work regardless of the inheritance, because if your gut is right and your marriage does fail you will definitely need a steady income for many decades.

If you're not hiding it then discuss what to do with it with your husband. As I'm sure that you would expect him to discuss a windfall of this size with you. If you're marriage is good then I'm sure he will be open to doing what he can to make you feel more secure.

However, if you wouldn't want this money to be a marital asset if things do go wrong I'm not sure you can insist that a house he's paid for is either. It just seems odd that what's his is shared but what's yours is your own. I think if you got to the bottom of why this is then a way forward would be clearer.

It depends how much it is. Locking away a huge sum for the children only could be a bad tactic if you do need it yourself!

If your parents are healthy and not ancient asking them to keep it for you int you are clearer about your future might be the best plan.

Sorry, this is disgraceful behaviour on your part and there is no way any one agreeing with you would be saying the same if you the genders were reversed.
You already control the money coming in, he has total trust in you, you repay this by trying to hide money which would benefit your whole family.
If you did split up, all the assets would be split and he would be paying maintenance, hopefully that will never happen but if it does you should both act in a fair manner. You have managed to amas a £20k savings so its not as he is being underhand.
Also you hiding assets would cause all sorts of problems if it was found out.
The fact that you are not very trusting is no excuse. You are trying to shaft your DH and your kids.

OP, maybe the answer to this is improving support and communication between you.

There are immense strains on families with children with SEN.

Could you consider couples counselling? Talk about the vulnerability and lack of support that you feel?