Inheritance

[Silencedwitness]

Dh and I have been together 15 years. We’re married with 3 kids (two have Sen, one has very complex needs and is unlikely to ever live independently). We decided several years ago that because the kids with Sen were really struggling in nursery that one of us wouldn’t work. We decided it would be me (my dh has very limited patience). I have about 20k in savings but obviously have no income and no private pension. My dh is tricky. We don’t row but I very much carry the load regarding the kids even at the weekends. I’m aware that marriages break down especially those where children have Sen. My parents plan on giving me money from a property they’ve sold and say they plan to pay down some of our mortgage. Obviously this is great. But I’m unsure about putting any money from my parents into the house. I’m not saying dh and I will split but I am aware that things can change and I’m in a hugely vulnerable position. That said his wage is paying the mortgage. So what would you do? Should I protect my inheritance by banking it or putting some into our house? Our relationship isn’t bad but equally I don’t feel as supported by him as I wish I was and I’m aware how easily people split up.

Really tricky OP.

I think in your shoes I'd ask my parents to hold onto it for me so that you can call on it as and when you might need it. Rather than let it become a marital asset.

As you say you are in a vulnerable situation and you may need it for yourself and your children at some point.

If you think you will split before too long, it’s better not to receive your inheritance in any form (or to tell your DH it’s on the table). If you do, it will likely be a marital asset so available to split 50/50.

No way would I accept the money, please ask your parents to hang onto it for a couple of years and see how you get on.

If he received a large sum of money would you be ok with him protecting it from you? I think that if you (rightly) have full access to his wages then trying to keep your money from him is pretty bad. If you have doubts about your relationship and feel vulnerable then by all means separate finances but this cuts both ways. Perhaps its time ro think about getting a job so you are less reliant on him. He can redude his hours and step up with childcare.

Open up your own bank account, just your name alone and put it all in there.

I’m not saying I disagree with you OP and I understand why you would want to keep this separate to stop DH accessing ‘your’ money.

However, do you have financial issues with him? You don’t mention any, does he split everything with you/the family openly? Has he paid all the bills/given you access to his wage without reservation? Or does he keep his own money pot of savings?

I only ask as I’ve seen a number of threads where men have tried to ‘hide/hold off’ lump sums including inheritance from their spouses for exactly the same concerns you raise and they are branded total SCUM by all of MN who openly believe a DW (especially a SAHM) is entitled to EVERYTHING her DH has ... but apparently don’t think it works the same other way around 😂🙈

I understand the financial insecurity that being a SAHP brings but if your DH is financially open with you and you’re just wanting to hide this from him then that seems a little underhanded. Especially when you would be entitled to stay in the family home/to support from him and already have a 20k savings pot

In view of the uncertainty of your future marriage, perhaps your parents could set up a trust fund for your children. This could help with training or education in later life.

I agree with scoobydoo, have your parents set up a trust for your DC with you in control. Or have them hold onto the money for you, no sense adding it to marital assets that would be split if you were to divorce.

Definitely keep your money separate. I speak from experience.

I feel for your husband actually. He’s working hard to bring money in. Surely he deserves to benefit from a reduced mortgage too. It doesn’t say much for your relationship that you’re even considering this.

I agree with Disney.

Bank accounts for the dc with soley you accessing them.

If you were to divorce, any assets including money in the form of savings etc as well as the house would be included in the settlement. I guess your parents are trying to avoid inheritance tax, but it might be best not to take any money from them early while you are uncertain about your marriage.

My mum died 3 years after I separated and 18 months after the decree absolute. It meant that my inheritance from my parents was mine. She’d given each of us siblings £20k 4 years earlier. This was included in the divorce settlement.

Putting savings into an account in your own name only won’t protect it from divorce unless it’s a short marriage. Yours isn’t.

I am with Disney. This just seems underhanded. If the situation were reversed he would be slated on here.

If you divorce, he will be compelled to hand over most of equity, a share of his pension and there is a possibility of spousal maintenance in the circumstances. To hide a gift, and that is effectively what you will be doing, is underhand and quite shabby.

There are ways and means to be open about this and to protect it for you or the children. Look into it and be honest. Otherwise it is not much of a marriage.

Its not the same as a working parent hiding money. A SAHP needs a safety net. In this case, i dont think the OP needs to worry too much about her cash becoming a marital asset in case of a split - if she ends up resident parent of 3 kids with SEN, the courts wont be stripping caah from her.

Get your parents to keep hold of it for you.

I have full access to his wages. It all goes into the joint account. There was a time when all that was spare when into an isa in his name only so I locked him out of my personal account.

I’m unaware it seems very underhand. But I’m also aware I’m very vulnerable. If he decides to go or I do financially I would be stuck. Not to say the marriage is on its last legs it’s not but I know (speaking for bitter experience with an ex) that things can change on a pin and if he or I chose to go he would get very very unpleasant with access to money (he’s always been very careful but is a lot better now).

Financially my parents have put in a lot for us (about £40k so far). Obviously him and the kids would benefit if some more of the mortgage went down. I suppose I’m nervous. I’m not overly trusting, teamed with being financially very restricted. I have no ability to earn unless I work term time only (I’m looking but jobs like this are rare) as there is nothing in the way of provision for children with Sen and my children cannot cope at all with anything like that.

Something to think about and I appreciate all the opinions.

You need to get your parents to hold the money.
if they give it to you whatever the form your husband will have a claim on it.

Look into a trust fund for your children; esp any that could qualify as disabled (there are special types of trust fund available). It means that the money is safe for them, which seems the actual crux of the issue.

And I don’t think you can be too suspicious. But then;. I’m like that. Good luck

I think a trust fund for the children is a good idea

Could you get your parents to gift the money only to you on strict conditions that you and the children benefit? Many wills are made like this to stop family money going to a second spouse on a child’s decease.
Scenario thus:-
Parents leave DD money.
DD dies and money goes to DD’S husband.
Husband remarries and dies.
Money goes to second wife and first wife’s children are disinherited from their GP’s and DM’s money.

Conditions are these days put in place by lawyers to stop the wrong people getting their hands on someone else’s money. In this case your parents’ cash should be given to you and the children, not to the untrustworthy DH.

Surely you work as a team, working on the basis that he has paid the mortgage to date, if you did split you would still het half of any proceeds. If you think of the interest for savings compared with a debt I would have thought it was better to pay the debt. However if you are worried about the kids, you could put some in a trust fund and pay some of the mortgage.

I wouldn't recommend a trust fund for the children because if you do end up single you may need access to that money for rent/food etc.

I would ask your parents to hold onto the money for you for the next couple of years and re-evaluate then.

How would you feel if it was you working, paying mortgage and bills, and DH decided to keep a 20K legacy for himself ? Saying you'll keep it " because we might get divorced one day " sounds very underhand to me.

Posters pointing out he has paid the mortgage for years - of course he has. He is the earner while (and because) OP is with the children. Their contribution to date has been entirely equal.
To the poster berating OP to get a job (and confidently stating that her ‘DH can reduce his hours’ to step up with the children 🙄), do you have any idea how tricky it is to manage children with SEN, with virtually no before and after school childcare options.