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Original poster

Is my boyfriend's female friend being inappropriate?

49 replies

Treatyaself · 03/11/2019 19:17

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and it's been brilliant, we are really committed and I trust him completely but his flatmate bothers me... I have tried really hard to establish a friendship with her, to no avail, think we are just different people but she is also on of those women who 'doesn't get on with other women' as we are too bitchy and dramatic according to her. She has no female friends and has kept friendship's with all her exe's.
I have told my boyfriend, she is the problem, that the entire female population cannot be dismissed as 'bitchy' but he has always been very defensive of her. She is consistently dismissive of me, makes no effort and I find her quite selfish and manipulative, she basically flirts with men to control them.

And last night she proved me right, my boyfriend was hosting friends for dinner and she arrived late and came straight in and in front of everyone walked up to my boyfriend and cuddles him as he cooked, then kissed him on the shoulder. She proceeded to try and cuddle him more but he didn't give her any attention. When we all sat down for diy she served everyone food (all men) and called over to my boyfriend should she put his food out and completely ignored me...

At this point she attached herself to another flatmate, who also has a girlfriend, had their arms around each other all night, she held his wrist and stroked his leg. I brought it up with my boyfriend later on and he said he saw it all, I asked if she did that to him when I wasn't around and he said no but that she does frequently try to cuddle.

He basically said he isn't going to address anything that happened as that is just 'what she is like.' I do trust him but am I being unreasonable to be so uncomfortable about it that I don't really want to be around her?

OP posts:

Shelvesoutofbooks · 03/11/2019 19:21

What the fuck, of course you aren't being unreasonable, that's really innapropriate. Kissing his shoulder and cuddling him in front of you? I'd have swung a fucking plate at her head

Yeahnahyeah1 · 03/11/2019 19:24

You have a boyfriend problem. He needs to make his boundaries clear, she’s not behaving in a way someone should, if the relationship is purely platonic.

Krazynights34 · 03/11/2019 19:24

I would hate that! Does she act like she needs the attention? I personally can’t stand OTT flirting, it just seems silly but this seems quite targeted and nasty.
I think I’d have to say something to your BF but I’m a hot head, so I guess I’m not going to have the best advice but I wish you luck.

Lifeisabeach09 · 03/11/2019 19:26

She is fucking inappropriate.
I have male friends--I might kiss them on the cheek and give a quick hug in greeting and as a goodbye, and I might accept a quick hug if I was feeling down, but that's it. I wouldn't sit there cuddling with them or stroke their legs.
The dorks need to impose boundaries as her behaviour needs to be checked.

LionKingLover · 03/11/2019 19:27

The whole 'I don't get on with women' thing in this instance is being used so she can behave as she likes and then when you call it out, your the bitchy one with the problem, and she can say this is why she's not friends with women. Arghh annoys me. This needs addressing. I think your boyfriend needs to be clearer to her. Out of respect for you, and as he can see what she's doing. Would he like it the other way round? If he does nothing, she will carry on and push it even more, to show you she can? The fact is if your boyfriend is a good friend of hers, she would want to get to know you or at least be polite.

Elieza · 03/11/2019 19:34

She’s acting inappropriately with one guy in front of his gf and that guy in front of other men that have to wait their turn for a bit of flirting. The guys may actually like this attention and encourage it when you are not there. She ignores you as she can’t use you in her power game. She’s like a bitch claiming her dogs.
If your bf hasnt told her in words of one syllable where to go then I’d be telling him where to go.
How do you know she isn’t sitting on his lap in her tiny housecoat and no knickers as part of her games etc when you are not about? And if you walked in hed do the “she just sat on my lap for a minute babe, she saw a spider and was scared, I wouldn’t be nasty to her when she’d had a shock babe, come on you’re being unreasonable babe, you know I love you”
I couldn’t be doing with that. I’d dump his ass.

75Renarde · 03/11/2019 19:36

Outrageous behaviour.

I'm pretty sure the flatmate has NPD. it's all over your post, entitlement, lack of respect for his or your boundaries, no female friends...use of sexuality as Weapon. How charming!

She will be in HG Tudors terms a muddle range narc. Most female narcs are.

Is she intelligent OP?

75Renarde · 03/11/2019 19:37

*Middle!

Hopoindown31 · 03/11/2019 19:41

She is not friends with other women because of her disrespectful behaviour. Sadly your bf and the other men in the flat have gotten used to this nice attention from her to the point that they don't realise they are being manipulated or that it is an issue when they are in relationships.

You've said your piece to him and if he won't address it there are plenty of other men with better boundaries.

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2019 19:43

I think this is insecurity op. She's trying to mark her turf, her position of importance. Anyone with self esteem wouldn't be behaving like this,

I'd be less concerned about it being appropriate and I'd feel sorry for her. Your partner is clearly not interested and she's got issues, I think I'd just feel pity and take that approach.

DontCallMeDaisy · 03/11/2019 19:44

So true, so let her.

I would tell my boyfriend if that happened in front of me again, I wouldn't be as tolerant and I would have to talk to her about her inappropriateness.

If he then fails to set boundaries and she does it again, say something. It will show your boyfriend what he needs to know about her and you what you need to know about him.

She'll apologise for giving you the wrong impression (unlikely) or cause a scene. He'll tell her she's being unreasonable or fail to have your back and continue to entertain her.

She kissed his shoulder!?!
He knows she's wrong as he ignored her while you were there, he's just never been bothered enough to do anything about it.

user1493413286 · 03/11/2019 19:44

I’m suspicious of women who don’t have female friends for that reason; fair enough if you happen to get on men better but I find it dismissive and mildly insulting to women to dismiss us all in that way.
Her behaviour is highly inappropriate and I’d be uncomfortable around her, I wonder if she was more trying to mark her territory than actually being a real threat.

Original poster

Treatyaself · 03/11/2019 19:45

She is intelligent, but spoiled her dad is a millionaire, and she has aspirations of being an event organiser but only works part time for a museum as daddy pays her way. She's 30.

OP posts:

Terri123456 · 03/11/2019 19:46

Absolutely not unreasonable. If someone kissed my partner infront of me, whether it be on the cheek, shoulder, wherever, I'd have quite rightly flew at her. The shoulder is quite an intimate place to kiss someone as well. I'd be furious. She would need to go. So disrespectful. I really have no time for women like this who caused unnecessary trouble and rifts between people. If it carries on it will cause trust issues eventually.

Harvey3 · 03/11/2019 19:48

I'd have decked her 😂 can't believe your bf let that happen either - hugely inappropriate

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/11/2019 19:51

She’s way out of line OP. Talk about trying to mark her territory!

Terri, If someone kissed my partner infront of me, whether it be on the cheek, shoulder, wherever, I'd have quite rightly flew at her. you’d fly at someone who kissed your partner on your cheek? How do the two of you greet friends? That’s a very strong reaction to a normal friendly interaction.

Shockers · 03/11/2019 19:51

She’s marking her ‘territory’. It’s inappropriate and she needs one of the men to tell her so- perhaps one who doesn’t have a partner, so she can’t twist the reason.

ballsdeep · 03/11/2019 19:53

She's staking her claim. I'd be very very wary of what she's like with him when you're not there and why he thinks cuddling and kissing him is acceptable?!

TubbyMcTat77 · 03/11/2019 19:54

Urgh she sounds like one of those tragic sorts who just loves male attention. All this bull about other women being bitchy is just code for 'I can't stand other women getting my attention'. I had an ex with a housemate like this once and as annoying as it was to begin with i began to find it quite funny as time went on. Its just so desperate and sad.

Your bf should really put a stop to it but men don't usually see what's going on like women do. He probably just wants an easy life and can't be arsed to pull her up on her twatty behaviour.

As for you, don't have a go at her. If you do she'll immediately play the victim and make out your comments are unjustified and that you're so mean and so bitchy. I find it's either better to kill these people with kindness or totally blank. Never let her see that she's bothered you. Be confident enough in yourself and your relationship to pity her.

JasonPollack · 03/11/2019 19:56

Do they live just him and her?

I would be very wary of what she's like when you're not there.

isitxmasyet · 03/11/2019 19:56

Well she sounds fun!

Tbh save your ire for your BF- he is quite capable of seeing how ridiculous and offensive her behaviour is and putting a stop to it.

If your male flatmate was like that with you he would be all ok with it would he??

Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2019 19:57

She's a viper in the grass, but your real problem is your boyfriend. He should have told her long ago to fuck off with this nonsense. I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't be so cavalier and dismissive if the shoe were on the other foot.

Ginger1982 · 03/11/2019 19:59

Your boyfriend obviously loves the attention and doesn't want to rock the boat. I would hate this situation and to be honest wouldn't feel comfortable going home and leaving them together.

LolaSmiles · 03/11/2019 20:00

If someone kissed my partner infront of me, whether it be on the cheek, shoulder, wherever, I'd have quite rightly flew at her.
You'd fly off the handle at a perfectly civil greeting? DH greets female friends with a kiss on the cheek, my male friends greet me with a kiss on the cheek. This happens in front of each other. We also give friendly hugs to friends.
If any of our friends had partners who'd fly at us for this we'd think they had serious issues.

I agree in the OP case the flatmate sounds like a drama queen who likes to he the centre of attention, but I knew it wouldn't be long before perfectly normal greetings were deemed inappropriate.

75Renarde · 03/11/2019 20:04

If intelligent she could be an elite but I rather suspect shes a somatic. Uses what she perceives as good looks and sexual allure to draw her sources of narcasssitic supply.

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