What I wish I'd known as I went through marital separation and divorce

[Nogoodwithgoodbyes]

Hello. I'm still quite new to Mumsnet and I hope ye don't mind my being here as I'm sadly not a mum. However, I'm going through a marital separation (still living with my H until I find somewhere). On another thread I started, someone wrote: ‘I honestly do know exactly how you're feeling and I just wish that you could see where you'll be this time next year if things progress.’ I felt so reassured by that. So, it got me thinking:

• What do you wish you had known when you were in the thick of it?
• I'm very much in the thick of it now. H is very moody with me and at times, I feel so scared to push on and move out. I feel like I'm surrounded by couples with children and I can feel so lonely. Other times, I feel hopeful about the future and inspired by other people's happiness.

Would anyone who is a year or two (or maybe more) on from a separation/divorce be able to tell me (and there must be others who will benefit too) just how much better life can get post-divorce?

Thank you so much. xx

Following as I could do with some encouragement myself.

Sorry you're going through such a crap time

Hi there Divorced about a year. Separated for 4. It's the best thing but takes a while.
You are in control of your own life and money
Have no one to answer to
I have children so it was tough. My regrets are not perusing divorce first and pushing for my rights but I was thinking about children and their relationship with their dad. Forgetting that he wasn't thinking of them and me when he did the wrong

Life is tough in your own but it's so much better then being in a loveless relationship

Hope this helps a little. Be strong and think of yourself x

Following for encouragement too. 2yrs on and I still feel like I made a mistake every day leaving. Sorry OP x

4 years on and it's still shit I'm afraid. A year is nothing. I'm always amazed by all the people who seem to be in a completely different mental place with a new life after a scant 12 months.

I think it depends a lot on why you are separating and who is instigating the divorce.
It’s not the same to see your DP walking away from you to live with the OW when you had no idea vs separating because you have nothing in common anymore, incl no love.

Thanks for sharing. I suppose it depends on so many things in a person’s life. I’m trying to make peace with uncertainty now & how this big separation may mean I never have children. However, I’m really trying to stay hopeful for a better life once I move on.

The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence - it’s just different grass.

The only mistake I made is not getting more time with my children.

The good is that although it’s lonely going home after work, I am no longer afraid of going home after work. I also no longer feel I have to live somebody else’s dreams and can have my own bookshelf!

To be fair a lot depends on your age and the effect on your children. If you have no children you won't have to stay in contact with H after the split which is easier. And the younger you are the easier it is to start again.

I was dumped for OW in my 40s and left with several dependent children. H is in no position to do 50/50 but is persistent in wanting the good bits of child rearing while leaving most of the grunt work to me. He is also demanding a large chunk of the family finances in the divorce settlement and the legal stuff is dragging on and on. Other people's experiences may be different.

Divorce is great .

It really does depend on the whys and hows - for me, I got to the point of having enough and once I'd made the decision, it was a weight lifted and I've been so much happier. I was fortunate that my ex went quietly and we are pretty amicable. He's remarried. I'd never live with a man again, it frightens me, but I'm happy solo and have a boyfriend.

I'd probably feel very differently if it hadn't been my choice.

As others have said, it does depend on the whys and wherefores - who is leaving who, etc.

It also completely depends on whether you and ex can remain civil and respectful when going through the legal stuff.

I’m not yet divorced - exH is dragging it all out ridiculously. I instigated it all, which did not go down well at all.

He refused to move out for about 18 months, and due to financial control on his part i did not have the means to do so. It was horrible, and especially hard on the children.

He has now moved out, and honestly, it is all so much better. Not yet great, as financials etc are still yet to be sorted (yet more delay and control), but certainly moving that way. Just the space to breathe and be myself is amazing, and the dc are now much more relaxed here with me, and overall look forward to seeing their dad when they go to his house.

I’m six years post-split and three years divorced. My ex left for OW and they are now married with a young baby.

The first two years were the hardest. I would not wish those years on anyone. Take all the help you can get. Self refer on the NHS to get some counselling. If you have private health care through work, see what provision they make for therapy and use them. You can talk to your friends but you will find they all react differently depending on how they feel about their own relationships. Having someone who is unbiased and able to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel really helped in the early day.

Know those days are hard and do not make any hard and fast decisions in those early days. I negotiated to stay in the marital home for two years post split and it was the best thing I ever did. It gave me and the kids some stability and for me the space to think and plan my next move. Just before the two years were up, I was ready to move on and was in the right headspace to buy the right property for me and my DCs. And buying my current place myself is still the best thing I ever did, we are very happy here.

Do not jump into any serious relationships in the first two years. Your judgement is seriously impaired even if you think you are fine and the number of women (including myself) who have made this mistake on these board make really worrying reading! Another man will not save you or make the situation better. You have to do that yourself.

There will be times when things are just shit, accept that, and grieve the relationship properly. Use this as a opportunity to do stuff for yourself and find yourself and your passions. The last six years have seriously been some of the best of my life and for most of it, I have been single. I have dated, had lots of fun but ultimately, the best love I have found in these six years is for myself and for the girlfriends (both old and new) who have supported me through everything. Definitely make new girlfriends. I have made amazing new friends the last few years - some are single, some not, some are childless, by choice and also not. But we all met through life events and clicked and we go out, have fun and support one another.

Be civil to your ex, your children will thrive if you are able to maintain a supportive, co-parenting relationship with your ex. And overall, it will make your life easier if you both can get along. Sometimes it’s so hard but go home and scream/cry into a pillow. And things will get easier. My DCs now have a little sister the love dearly and it’s hard to hate in the face of that.

Good luck for all those going through this. You’ve got this!

I wish I'd known that my solicitor was a prat and I shouldn't believe him. It took ages to find that out.

Don't be misled into 'legal separation' when you're vulnerable and half-hoping there might be some way back to the relationship.

Don't be 'fair, equal, generous' or anything like that. Make sure you get anything you are entitled to.

You can be as lonely in a marriage as out of one. Fill your life with interesting activities. Try new things. Go back to things you used to like to do.

I have one of those twee ornaments of words, you know the 'Live, Love, Laugh' kind (and it's so not my thing). It says ENJOY EVERY MOMENT. That was my key. Every moment we exist is potentially a moment to enjoy, even if it doesn't seem like it is. Every happy moment is 'one in the bank' if you notice it. A happy moment can never be taken away from you. A happy moment can be very simple and still worthy of banking. Happiness is not dependent on perfection.

Make your bed a nest where you love to be. I do that with a surfeit of duvets and pillows, but your way might be different.

It will pass. One day, he'll mean next-to-nothing to you. Really. I'm 33 years on. 33. He had two further marriages, then died. I'm rather embarrassed that I always seem to write that with some satisfaction.

Hi, I am nearly 2 years separated and just wanted to tell you to hang in there. Was with my husband for over 20 years, childhood sweethearts, spilt was amicable and I have the children 100% of the time. We just fell out of love, it was the old story of loving him but not in love with him. At the time I went down to 7.5 stone, stuck with a mortgage and a load of Bill on a part time wage, I was eventually made redundant too with 2 young children. I'm not going to lie, it was horrendous for a few months adjusting to living on my own and I had to give myself a huge kick up the back side several times! I am now so much more happier and happily single. No more walking on eggshells, pleasing someone else who can't ever be pleased, not having to consult with anyone what I am doing or where to go, what to bloody eat for tea! I felt lost at first but found it empowering to be able to make decisions that wouldn't back fire. I haven't looked back. The children are happier and have settled into the routine of occasionally seeing their father. Me and their dad are civil and neither of us are with new partners so that chapter will be interesting! I have focused on me and the children and thrown myself into being the best version of me as a single mum. I am beginning to think I am a bit of a freak as I haven't missed a man in my life so far, I look at some of my married friends and feel sorry for them, there's always something they are upset about or something they have to put up with from their partner. I'm not bashing on marriage but life is a lot less stressful being single. All my friends and family ask am I going to start dating and I can't think of a good reason at the moment why I should. The first few months I kept myself busy. I redecorated my house room by room, then learnt a new hobby, started running. The motto fake it till you make it really helped me. I pasted on a smile and eventually I didn't need to force it. My friends and family have all noticed how much happier I am to. I am much less anxious. I didn't notice that I even was in the first place. Going though the redundancy was tough but I have been in my new job for over a year now and really enjoy it. Always look for the positives in situations. You will be fine, just keep going x

Following because this will be me.

@TwoBoysTooMany76 Do you mind me asking how you negotiated to stay in your house for two years? I don’t want to uproot my young son and have animals too so moving would be the worst. But I can’t afford the mortgage on my own. I’m part time and won’t be able to go full time until my son is at school. Trying to find a way to hang onto the house for a while after he leaves to give us some stability amid the turmoil. And there will be turmoil.

@mrsmiyagi19 We has only been in the house 18 months and the oldest one had just started school then. I couldn’t afford the mortgage on my own too. The first thing I said to my ex when he wanted to leave was that the DCs needed stability and we should stay in the house for a bit while we sorted out the separation and divorce. He gave me money for the children which I used towards bills including the mortgage. We had a big house (4 bedrooms) and my boys were in one room so I started taking in university students as lodgers too. I’m still friends with some of them. A lot of the students were grateful to be in a beautiful house and didn’t mind my boys. I kept them very separate though we were friendly of course. In the meantime I went full time at work and tried to get a better job etc. It all worked out over time but it wasn’t easy. All the best to you.

That I would rather be lonely on my own then lonely in a relationship. What I mean by that is when your marriage is failing it's a terrible lonely place to be in. Your husband is no longer your partner and until you take action it's hard to get support or tell people outside of your marriage what is going on.

But once you leave the relationship a whole world of possibilities opens up and you get back choices. You can make decisions to join and do what you want.

Only be leaving do you get the freedom to take back control and change the life you are leading.

I wish I had started divorce proceedings straight away as it might have been more amicable. It dragged on and I had a very messy divorce involving the courts.

Five years on, it still feels shit sorry. Probably not what you want to hear but we are discussing Christmas arrangements and I feel sad about what we have lost. No one is happier. Neither exh nor I have met anyone else. (I did have a one year relationship but that was a disaster.)

What is better is no longer being with someone grumpy and domineering and having the freedom to live day to day life as you want eg around the house, eat when you want, watch what you like on tv etc.

What I realised is that I should have been quite ruthless about the money from the outset. I expected something sensible - what I got was game playing.

People revert to type in divorce. Whatever you don’t like about your spouse, expect to see more of that.

It took four years to get free. I have my own property and am financially secure. The emotional cost was huge and you need good friends. You will also make good ones during this time. Chin up

I divorced 14 years ago and It was the end of the world at the time. I thought i’d never get over it (he dumped me for OW after 14 yrs marriage). It takes time but I did get over it. Exercise helped get rid of everyday anxiety and stress. I began to love the new found independence and doing what I wanted , when I wanted. It was the making of me. I’m glad it happened but it does still hurt sometimes. I went on to meet someone else and had my first child at 38 so dont give up hope.

I was you 7 years ago.I was still living with ex husband and didn't know what would happen.I met my now husband 4 months after we separated and we have a 5 yr old son.My life is so different to what it was back then,it can happen.

Thanks @TwoBoysTooMany76. I’m glad it worked out for you.

Do not agree to shit terms for an easy life, take everything you're entitled to!
I wanted a 50/50 split but with costs paid so it would be amicable, there wouldn't be court hearing etc etc. I wish I'd have gone for the 90/100% because XH treats me like and tells everyone I took the lot so I may as well have. I went short and it made my living arrangements less than ideal.

I would get divorced asap, I left it a long time as I didn't have the energy to sort it at the time but it dragged on too long and I think it made my x question whether I wanted the actual divorce.

Life gets harder in some ways and easier in others, I wonder if because I mentally checked out before we seperated that I recovered quite well.

I am 4.5 years post separation and 2 years divorced, I can honestly say it's the best thing I ever did and I never ever wanted to reverse my decision even in the early days.

I'm almost divorced. Finishing last bits.STBXH left for OW. It was awful. He made the first 5-6 months hell on earth for me, while I dealt with everything for our small children. Having said that I feel stronger. I do a lot of yoga, I read a lot, I engage with friends a lot more. My children and I are generally happier.

I wish I had never let him have time to decide. I kicked him out as soon as I found out about the affair but then let him move back in under the proviso of giving it another go. He just kept carrying on with the affair and when he left shortly afterwards, the pain was even worse. I should have filed the day after he left. I did make him sign a document the day he left detailing a rough timeline for when he could see the kids.

I was fairly ruthless in the financials too and I made him agree to pay child support until the children finish university. I took the majority of the equity of the house so I could set myself up comfortably. I had to give up something that could be quite lucrative (equity) but that is a gamble and I just want to be comfortable with my children as I will have them most of the time.

I'm not planning on getting into a serious relationship but I've managed to have a bit of fun and that has given me hope for the future. I think the hardest thing is filling my time when I don't have the kids and realising I have to do everything with them on my own. Seeing their pain has been unbearable but I know that is nothing on me and all on him. I know he already struggles with carrying that and that is his own punishment.

It's been 10 months since I told my husband I wanted to leave him and I've had some really bad days but then the days I've felt such a relief to come home and not worry how I was going to upset him.

He has been horrible through out - decided to apply for the divorce 5 days after I told him I wanted to leave. No effort on his part to try and save the relationship and then applied on the basis we had been separated for 2 years. Obviously not true and I told him I wouldn't sign that but he ignored me.

I just wish I'd gotten a solicitor earlier and didn't try and make it easy for him at the beginning. I felt guilty for leaving him.

I struggle financially at the moment until the agreement goes through (sometime next year - he's dragging the process out - hoping I'll run out of money) but I don't regret leaving I'm so much happier.

Nearly 7 years separated and yet to be divorced. Hoping the absolut will come through in the new year.

I wish I'd got some counselling, even though I didn't think I needed it. A long marriage - or even a shortish one- leaves imprints on your character, and particularly your self-worth. Be kind to yourself, always, and take this opportunity to heal yourself.

The law can be an arsehole. I can get divorced without STBXH's consent because we've been separated for so long, but he has to play ball in order for me to get to any financial settlement without going to court (£££). I am walking away with nothing (I moved out, which was bloody stupid of me but I don't regret it- It felt necessary.)

I am HAPPY. It takes time to change your mindset away from thinking that a good life equals being part of a couple, but once you get there, oh my God it's great.

I am a far, far better mother without him, and they are happier children. My relationship with my kids is just lovely. I think I'm just more confident that I can do this, because I've had to.

Hate and vitriol means you care too much. Once you genuinely don't care, to the point where you hope he'll be happy and have a good life, then you know you're over him. My STBXH has really treated me quite badly through all this, but I genuinely do hope for the best for him. Hate is too great a burden to bear.

Good luck OP