Dh speaking to ds in an unkind way.

[Llamainacupcake]

Most of the time he’s ok but he has a temper and he can be frightening.
This isn’t an every day occurance.

We were with ds (9) in a busy shopping centre last week and we went to get a drink. I had dc2 in one hand and ds was walking alongside me. Dh was in front. He then turned and told me to go back because there weren’t any tables nearer the front. It was like a giant foodhall place, not a restaurant. I went back to get a table and assumed ds was with me but he wasn’t. We lost him for about ten minutes, he was actually sat at another table. He’d thought I had gone to get the drinks and he’d just sat down to wait.

Dh found him and I was still walking around looking I so only caught the tail end of it but he was sat with him, pointing at him with his finger in his face and he said ‘if you walk off like that again i’ll smack you round the head so hard you won’t see straight for a week. I mean it. I’ll smack you so hard.’

I know it came from a place of being worried initially but it isn’t the first time he’s spoken like this. I hate it. I spoke to ds afterwards and told him it was unacceptable for his dad to speak like that to him. Dh tends to lose it quite quickly if the children aren’t behaving in the way he wants, but I don’t believe for a second he’d ever physically hurt them.

There’s a number of things that are making me consider leaving dh at the moment, I’m not sure if this is the tipping point. I really don’t think it’s acceptable to talk to anyone like that, let alone your child, even if you had been worried or whatever. On the other hand, I can stick up for the children if I’m there. If he had them on his own I won’t be able to.

No, this is not an acceptable way to speak to anyone. Has you spoken to your husband about this? I think maybe anger management might be useful in his case?

*have

He wouldn’t go. He’d be angry I even suggested it.

That’s not unkind. That’s downright threatening. I bet your kids think he might physically hurt them. I would split and aim for supervised visits only.

No, that’s not ok.

That's NOT acceptable at all. I'd leave him and I wouldn't allow him unsupervised access to the children, I'd fight it in court if necessary.

My ex was very much like that. My dc remember it and now they are adults, they resent him still

But mostly, they are thankful I got them away

That's not "unkind", that's being downright scary and physically threatening.

Oh, and he never changed..... 3 girlfriends after me. All with kids. Each one I contacted to warn them. I was right each time,he abused their kids and ended up in trouble with the police over an escalation

Yeah um no pack your kids and leave

You are minimising with calling it 'speaking in an unkind way', he was threatening DS with violence.

That’s bit unkind, that’s very threatening
You all seem scared of him and it’s no way to live

So the adults made a mistake and your son sat down and your ur husband said that

Wake up and read what you have said

Where is your line in the sand here if not this?.

Anger management courses are no answer to domestic abuse which is what this is. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and your H has crossed that line.

You've been abused by him and now your son is coming in for the same amount of verbal terrorising and threats of physical violence from his abusive father. Where are you in all this when he is shouting at your son?. You may "defend" your son and your other children, well you would like to think you can, but you are still with this man in this house and you're also terrified of him/ground down by abuse. So you really cannot defend yourself properly or them.

I would talk to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations asap. Your only course of action here going forward is to leave this man.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Do you really think that such an individual would want to see his children post split; he terrorises them. He will continue to abuse these children just as they are now and try and control you as his ex wife in the process. He is not going to become a better person if you separate from him; this is who he is and he is abusive. Abuse like this thrives on secrecy so I would urge you to start opening up to trusted people like your GP and get this properly documented. You have taken a small but significant step today by writing about him on here.

My ex was like this with my DS to the point my DS started stammering. The reason why he is now an ex. Totally unacceptable. If he spoke to a stranger like that he would have the police called on him. Your poor DS.

Leave.

Tell SS why and insist on supervised visits.

When he is not scaring you he is only OK. He is a pretty crap abusive person, they can usually at least muster up the strength to put on a good show the rest of the time to keep you staying there!

That is a threat, not just an unkind word to say. The situation as you describe doesn’t sound worthy of getting angry at all! (And I don’t have kids, so lack the patience the average parent has ) he got lost & sat waiting for you. He sounds like a sensible little boy.

It’s quite a menacing & violent threat too. I would be concerned where this rage is coming from & why he feels it is ok to terrify his family with threats & spoil everyone’s day with his foul temper. He does it because he can, these people with rage issues usually only let it out when they know it’s safe to do so.

No you can’t control how he would be with the kids if you aren’t there. But you can’t control him to not be nasty by being there anyway. It would be nice for them to at least have one positive, happy home & only have to see him on weekends.

It sounds like there are other issues, but the only way to get change is to tell him you can’t cope with his anger & it is destroying the marriage & he must get help now or you will leave. Otherwise, just go love - you don’t need to stay for you kids to have a happy home. You will need to force a change for that to happen.

I would think that most of the time your H is a simmering volcano waiting for one of you to "mess up". Then he can start on that person who has made such a "transgression".

I would also think that he is "nice" to those in the outside world and comes across as quite plausible to many. Image is all important to such abusers. Such men hate women too, all of them. Your son needs a life free from abuse too and now or he could well as an adult go onto repeat his dad's abuse of women. What is he learning about relationships here?.

That is terrifying. It’s abuse.

You need to leave.

Abuse is about power and control, its not about communication or a perceived lack of. These men do not ever seek help and besides which this man in all likelihood thinks he has done nothing wrong here with any of his family.

He does have a problem with anger but not in the ways others have suggested. He has a problem with anger, her anger, when she calls him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

He does not act like this with people in the outside world so he can control himself around other people. He is a dominator and wants absolute power and control over you and his family.

If anyone had uttered those words to my child they'd not be ever given an opportunity to do so again
I imagine many of us have been there with blurting out something when we're in total fear. However this is viscous, it wouldn't cross my mind to threaten another human being with that and strikes me as quite warped

But what’s more damaging - very occasional outbursts like this, or splitting up the family which isn’t even necessarily going to help as dh could well get unsupervised access anyway.

I’m so sorry to read this

His father probably said these kind of things to him when he stepped out of line - sadly behaviours repeat themselves going down generations

Has he ever hit any of you?

I am worried that you say he would get angry if you suggested anger management

Do you feel abit fearful of Him yourself?

I think if you have the suspicion he would carry out these threats, it’s time to think carefully about trying to get Away x

The outbursts may be occasional but your children must be walking on eggshells and terrified wondering when he will kick off again.
Plus you staying is teaching them it’s ok to behave like this and his behaviour is fine/they deserve it.

OP you seem to be minimalising the situation. Your husband threatened your son in a very disturbing way. This is totally unacceptable. Your husbands threats and behaviour will have an impact on your children. Are you going to let your children be exposed to this treatment? If so then you really need to be looking within yourself as a mother. Your children don't see deserve to be in this situation.