Dh speaking to ds in an unkind way.

[Llamainacupcake]

Most of the time he’s ok but he has a temper and he can be frightening.
This isn’t an every day occurance.

We were with ds (9) in a busy shopping centre last week and we went to get a drink. I had dc2 in one hand and ds was walking alongside me. Dh was in front. He then turned and told me to go back because there weren’t any tables nearer the front. It was like a giant foodhall place, not a restaurant. I went back to get a table and assumed ds was with me but he wasn’t. We lost him for about ten minutes, he was actually sat at another table. He’d thought I had gone to get the drinks and he’d just sat down to wait.

Dh found him and I was still walking around looking I so only caught the tail end of it but he was sat with him, pointing at him with his finger in his face and he said ‘if you walk off like that again i’ll smack you round the head so hard you won’t see straight for a week. I mean it. I’ll smack you so hard.’

I know it came from a place of being worried initially but it isn’t the first time he’s spoken like this. I hate it. I spoke to ds afterwards and told him it was unacceptable for his dad to speak like that to him. Dh tends to lose it quite quickly if the children aren’t behaving in the way he wants, but I don’t believe for a second he’d ever physically hurt them.

There’s a number of things that are making me consider leaving dh at the moment, I’m not sure if this is the tipping point. I really don’t think it’s acceptable to talk to anyone like that, let alone your child, even if you had been worried or whatever. On the other hand, I can stick up for the children if I’m there. If he had them on his own I won’t be able to.

Your kids should not be living with threats of violence. Because that’s what this was.

"But what’s more damaging - very occasional outbursts like this, or splitting up the family which isn’t even necessarily going to help as dh could well get unsupervised access anyway".

Very occasional you say?. Even "very occasional" is bad. You are minimising this out of your own fear.

I am certain your DC and for that matter you are and remain terrified of their father and husband respectively. You as his wife have become inurred to his abuse and threats made towards your children because he has done a right number on you as well.

Would your eldest child in particular want to see his abusive father post separation?. What court in the land would give you H unsupervised access?. That is your supposition talking. Abuse thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open now.

I'm
Possibly no help to you but wanted to say that my husband , in the last few months, told me that he didn't love me anymore and we are separating at present .
One evening, my son (9) who was anxious and stressed at the time possibly for to picking up on the atmosphere, wouldn't do as he was asked by his father, my husband.
My husband told him that if he didn't do what he was told there and then, that he would essentially force him , using threatening language and aggression.
My son burst out crying and ran to me.i told my husband that if he ever did something like that again that I'd report him and that of my son tells me that he does anything similar, I'll be insisting on supervised access.
Up to that point I was heartbroken about our family breaking and was deeply distressed.
But that evening, was the evening that I felt utter relief that that fucker was getting out of our lives .

I'm actually gobsmacked. I'm sorry to say this op but if you stay with him you're showing your son that you accept the behaviour. I know you spoke to him but actions speak louder than words.

It's not ok to talk to anyone (especially a child) like that. I know you don't think he'd actually hit your son, but I think there's a very high risk it could happen. Either way, even talking like that is unacceptable. I think you should leave. Your children are at high risk of physical abuse.

What's worse OP, living 100% of the time in a home where dad is scary and there's nowhere safe for their entire childhoods, or living in a safe place with mum the vast majority of the time and eventually having a choice not to see their abusive father?

The outbursts may be occasional (and that is bad enough to warrant you LTB in itself), but the terror is constant for your DS. And for you. You've written it yourself: he can be frightening.

He has no bloody right to be frightening!

My late H developed this trait after his mother died and he turned to alcohol to relieve it. It developed slowly. I was the boiled frog. My DDs suffered. DD1 is nearly 19 - we went to a Halloween attraction last week and she told me afterwards that there was nothing in there that was as scary as her father had been in the last 2-3 years at home with us (by this time it had been 20 months since I'd thrown him out aided by the police).

Think about whether that is what you want for your DC.

My father was like this. We constantly walked on eggshells waiting for the next explosion. It also made me a huge people pleaser to the detriment of my own mental health. My mother stayed.

I would have been happier and far less damaged had I had a safe space without him at least some of the time. Then when I got older I just wouldn't have seen him. I understand how hard it is to leave but a part of me, despite years of therapy, will never forgive my mother for not protecting us.

Ugh

You are complicit in the abuse op... minimising it and making excuses

Poor kids

How would you feel if your DH said and acted like that to you? Threatened? Scared? Anxious following it? Multiply that a few times to get an idea of how your child would feel. It's not ok, its threatening and potentially emotional abuse. I cant equate what he said with a place of concern, it's a direct threat.

Either your DH needs to accept that he needs support with his anger (you saying what his reaction would be is telling) or he needs to go. Your kids will grow up scared of what he might do and will likely view his actions as an appropriate way to.speak to.others.