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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

30 days no contact

52 replies

SpiralsoftheMind · 03/11/2019 08:22

Hey
Haven't seen a post about this in a while, so really hoping for some support/similar experiences.
My ex has ended our relationship as he has a lot going on in his personal life (ex Wife and children commitments) and I am absolutely devastated and simply cannot stop texting and messaging him, obviously getting no reply.

I have read about this 30 days no contact idea, but really struggling to go 2 days nevermind 30. Feel totally desperate and even considering waiting outside his work to accidentally "bump" into him (I won't because I know it's absurd) but just feel as if I will never forget about him and feel okay. Advice needed :(

OP posts:
JoanBonJovi · 03/11/2019 10:17

Ok I’m going to be tough.

HE DOESNT WANT OR NEED YOU. He knows where you are. He’s choosing to not be in contact. It’s not other things. It’s a choice. If you offered him £8 million pounds he’d be in touch. As it is he doesn’t want you.

There. That help ?

JK1773 · 03/11/2019 10:20

I did 30 days no contact when my ex dumped me suddenly and horribly a couple of years ago. There was a thread on here with a number of people supporting each other through it.
It works! The first week or two were the hardest then I slowly started to feel better and more like myself. I’ve now been no contact for more than 2 years and he rarely crosses my mind.

Original poster
SpiralsoftheMind · 03/11/2019 12:31

Thank you
I think the difficult thing is to Not Contact him? If that makes sense. It's the nights and mornings that are the worst , when we would usually text..I can't help but message him to say I love you, it's awful and not helpful, I know this. But it's very difficult after a long relationship that has suddenly ended

OP posts:
RLEOM · 03/11/2019 12:37

What @JoanBonJovi said. Also, why would you want to be with someone who goes silent? If he really wanted to be with you, trust me, he'd reply.

Ilovethekitties · 03/11/2019 12:56

Darling OP, you sound like a lovely woman and any man would be lucky to have someone so kind and thoughtful, but, put simply, your ex does not want your love. Sad

You need to put on your big girl pants, delete him number and send a morning text to a friend instead to take your mind off of him. You can do better, imagine being with someone who replies and respects you.

Good luck!

xsamix86 · 03/11/2019 13:02

Breaking up is hard, and it is a grieving process, but you need to let yourself grieve. You need to delete ALL of his contact information. Phone number(s), email address etc. Remove the ability to contact him. He has your number, if he wanted to contact you he could. Let yourself start grieving properly, and move through painful times to the days when it gets better. The longer you prolong the agony the worse it will be, and you dont want to be accused of harassing him. Take some time and pamper/treat yourself. Do something you have always wanted to do. Take your mind off how crap you feel right now and soon you will notice you think of him less, if at all. Take care of yourself.

chloedee123 · 03/11/2019 13:07

OP... there is a reason it’s harder in a morning and evenings. It’s a habit and a hard one to break at that. The 30 day contact rule really does work. Why? Because that’s how long it takes to break a habit. Hence things like “stoptober” “sober October” xx

namechangaroonie · 03/11/2019 13:38

I really struggled with this - to the point where I had to ask my ex to block me Blush

I still have to see him for the kids (Not puts together) but we had 2 months over summer where we didn’t have contact and it really helped.

It’s called a breakup because it’s broken, you are a badass and he’s just not that into you all became my reading bibles and really helped me feel like I wasn’t totally going insane Flowers

lifegoes · 03/11/2019 14:55

There are some great blogs on contact. But I would advise using the site post Male syndrome. Mainly because the rest use NC as a way to get back your EX. But it's not about that, it's about you and you recovering

You are breaking a habit and any habit is hard. So...

Remove all ways of being able to contact him or view him (no contact isn't about just speaking to him it's about checking up on social media)

Delete your apps for at least two weeks, removing all access to him. Will help
Delete his number
Delete all messages and photos.
Find a box set or something to do on evenings when it's worse.
First few days, take it hour by hour.
Don't think of 30 days. Think of it one day at a time
Make a list of all the things that actually make you smile or happy. - gym, books, walking, seeing friends, eating good food, pampering yourself etc then plan those in on the times you struggle the most

Remember this is about you recovering, retraining your mind, building a stronger better you.

grecianurn82 · 03/11/2019 15:05

I was going to start a post on this exact topic yesterday. I had decided to go NC with my gf, well ex, we had broken up the day before, and then she text me last night and I gave in and replied. Sent a few texts back and forth and I'm so annoyed at myself for getting back into it. The relationship just isn't working but we keep going round and round in circles trying to make it work and it's just leaving us both upset and frustrated.

UnicornsExist · 03/11/2019 15:09

If you need to text someone, send a message to your own number. The 30 days no contact rule is so you can work on yourself. You need to get your life back. Before you met your ex you had hobbies and friends etc which you would spend your time with. I'm sure that you still do that now but do more of it. Maybe start learning a new language on an app. Try a new hobby that you have wanted to try and not had time for. Keep your mind busy so you can't dwell on him. Get a gym membership and get in really good shape so you feel physically more attractive. When the 30 days no contact is up, the idea is that you aren't needy and appear more attractive to him because you are getting on with life on your own and showing that you are self sufficient. It also means that you are stronger mentally so that if in 30 days he still doesn't want to know then it won't break you like it is now and it's easier to move on. Good luck. It's horrible to lose someone who means so much to you but you had a life before him and you can therefore have a life without him in it again. I suggest that you look at Brian Nox on YouTube about becoming a high value woman.

Pookypoo · 03/11/2019 15:09

It’s really hard OP, you sound lovely and you WILL get over this.

I’m following closely as I’ve developed a long standing friendship with a married man. I’ve developed feelings and so I need to ask for NC.

I’ve tried before but always cracked. I think it’s become a type of limerent situation for me.

I would let your feelings out, grieve and let the tears flow. I find that writing notes on my phone helps - texts that I would never, ever send.. It helps get those feelings out and you can look back and in time, you’ll see how far you’ve come. Almost like a journal.

Take it a day at a time and reward yourself for every day, week that you don’t contact him.

zebra22 · 03/11/2019 15:12

You need to stop. He ended it you need to stop harassing him and definitely don’t go to his worn

saraclara · 03/11/2019 15:20

Seriously, can you for a moment picture his face when he gets your unwanted texts? Can you imagine how he feels about you at that point? Is him rolling his eyes and thinking that you're pathetic, really what you want to achieve?

Each time you're about to text him, just picture him rolling his eyes and thinking WTF? Surely that will make you delete?

Wheat2Harvest · 03/11/2019 15:48

I can't help but message him to say I love you, it's awful and not helpful, I know this. But it's very difficult after a long relationship that has suddenly ended

It's the most awful feeling but try not to do it. You could be accused of harassment if it continues, which would make things a lot worse.

Original poster
SpiralsoftheMind · 03/11/2019 16:12

wow what an overwhelmingly supportive response.
Thank you all dearly.
It's been nearly 48 hrs, as it's the weekend I think it's generally a lot harder as I don't have work to focus on. A moment ago I was in Sainsbury's and smell his aftershave on another man, I couldve cried.
I'm not sure why but I cannot bear to delete his number but maybe in a couple of days I will be able to. I've always been a very strong independent person, but for some reason this has really broken me. Thanks again for all your support, what a fantastic site. I will keep you updated x

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/11/2019 16:28

Well done, OP. Hopefully, you'll make it to 72...then 96...

This will pass. Really it will.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 03/11/2019 16:40

OP, I was in this situation some time ago and changed my ex's name to "DO NOT CONTACT". Eventually I deleted it. Good luck - it's like giving up any addiction; tough but worth it.

JoanBonJovi · 03/11/2019 16:58

DELETE THE NUMBER

Original poster
SpiralsoftheMind · 04/11/2019 20:08

Still going, 72 hrs, Cannot stop checking his social media tho! What a horrible creation

OP posts:
Pookypoo · 04/11/2019 20:33

Well done and keep going. Set yourself small goals, for example check his social media only at permitted times during the day. Wean yourself off it. Or when you feel like checking put your phone away and go for a walk.
Easier said than done I know, but keep trying and don’t text.

Ilovethekitties · 04/11/2019 20:35

You go girl. You got this

JoanBonJovi · 05/11/2019 05:07

Have you deleted his number ?

Original poster
SpiralsoftheMind · 05/11/2019 07:04

Yes

OP posts:
tiredgirl123 · 05/11/2019 07:28

Hi OP, how are you getting on? I'm in similar situation, we broken up 7 weeks ago, my last email to him was (shamefully long) on Wed night so coming onto 7 days.. its bloody difficult, but..I guess the thing is.. if someone wanted to be in touch, they would text/call.. it only takes 30 seconds to type a text, that's 30 seconds they aren't willing to give..

Best of luck x let us know how you get on xx

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