Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lazy Partner

29 replies

CourtneyBarlowx · 03/11/2019 03:12

Im unsure on what to do about my partner and his attitude towards things....
I've been with my partner now just short of 2 years, we are expecting our first baby any day now. We are both still young (20years old) and having a baby wasn't planned but wouldn't change it for the world. I've known him since we was around 16, we dated for a while and got back together a few years later.
When I first got back with him he was doing so many different things to improve himself and his life such as courses and traineeships to get more qualifications which was amazing, he wasn't on the best wage at the time so I didn't have supporting him and helping him in anyway I could. Tbh I didn't support him that much has he managed and was too proud to ask. After a while he just seemed to let things go, he wasn't as interested in his future anymore which was frustrating as I knew he was capable of so much.
A short time later a few of his family relations fell apart and he has a really rough time. Around the same time I just moved into my own flat, it was never the plan for him to move in but things happened and he didn't really have anywhere else to go, at first it was great, we had a new little flat, we were expecting and things couldn't of been more perfect.
However, before my mat leave I was working over 45 hours per week, I'm on a good wage for my age and things were fine he was looking for work but I noticed he seemed to be looking less and less and started getting to comfortable living of my wage with me and still does till this day. Supporting two adults paying all the bills and buying baby stuff on a single wage is impossible, I've told him he needs to claim or something to help us out a little but he won't, he tells me he will find work soon he's sure of it but it's been over 8 months now and nothing...
What makes it worse is even though I was working 45+ hours per week I was still coming home, doing the washing, cleaning, ironing, shopping and cooking while he just sat there or was out all day even know I'm 9 months pregnant and I still do it all, since going on mat leave I've been rushing round getting the last few bits and not once has he offered to go get them or do the shopping for me when he can see I'm drained, I love him to pieces and he will be the most amazing dad because I know for a fact he will go out his way for her, but we can't go on like this I'm just not sure what to do anymore, I've spoke to him about it countless times and I get the same reaction every time and he clearly doesn't listen to what I say.
Any advice? (Sorry for the long post)

OP posts:
violetbunny · 03/11/2019 03:22

I would show him the door. Seriously, he has no incentive to change. He's not pulling his weight - he should be job hunting daily and at the very least look after the domestic side of things to ease the burden on you. This is not a man with your best interests at heart, he is telling you who he is and he is a selfish lazy cocklodger.

Lentilbug · 03/11/2019 03:40

No. He will not change. You've made it too easy for him so why should he when there are no consequences? What kind of example will you be setting for your daughter when she sees the dynamic you have? You have done incredibly well to have managed by yourself so far but once you have the baby you really will need the help.

I think it's time you lay it out for him he needs to take over all the domestic duties. Whether he works or not he needs to do half the domestic work and half the child care. Sadly if he doesn't step up you may have to cut him loose because he's a drag on you and your daughter. Literally taking money away from the baby for all her needs.

MMadness · 03/11/2019 04:01

Fuck that. Boot him. You're way too young. He's taking the piss. Once baby gets here you'll still be doing all while he does fuck all. The resentment will build and be toxic.

Mintjulia · 03/11/2019 04:05

Present him with an ultimatum now, this weekend. Either he signs on this week or you want him out.
You are being had., He’s not a lazy dp, he’s a full-blown cocklodger.

PerkyPomPoms · 03/11/2019 04:22

If he hasn’t changed in the last 8 months he’s not going to change now. Get rid. He doesn’t need to live with you to be a great dad.

Lana08 · 03/11/2019 04:50

I’m sorry to burst your bubble but he will not be an amazing father. At the moment he is happy for you to work 45 hours a week, live off you for the last 8 months and do all the housework on top of all that while pregnant!! You got to be kidding me. That is a glimpse of your future right there. You have tried talking to him now it is time for action OP! He gets a job now or leave. Raise your standards. Best of luck with the little one.

ukgift2016 · 03/11/2019 06:58

What a joke.

Show him the door. What does he bring to your household? Really?

He can be a father to your child without having to be a CF in your home.

75Renarde · 03/11/2019 07:08

Oh my goodness,you are about to pop any minute and hes being like this.

You need a good, solid friend. Get them to come to yours and remove him immediately. Then tell your midwife you are being abused. Get it on record.

I'm so sorry. You dont need this.

Congratulations Flowers on your little one.

Remember to breathe. You can do this.

Everydaylife · 03/11/2019 07:10

Sorry he is not going to be an amazing father who will do anything for his child because he is lazy and selfish.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 03/11/2019 07:18

Are you joking? A good father doesn't leave his partner earning all the money and doing all the housework while also full term pregnant with his child!

Like fuck will he be a good dad. Being a good dad is more than playing peekaboo with the baby occasionally and saying how much he loooooves his kid. A good dad would not have sat on his arse for 8 months while the mother of his child did it all. Being a parent means doing the hard stuff. Like you are. Hes a full-blown cocklodger, and because of your youth and naivete you've tolerated it.

The wheels are going to fall off all this hard when you have the baby and are no longer physically capable of doing it all and earning it all to boot. The situation's gone much too far for him to change, the only question is when you boot him out. If you aren't ready to do that yet, for god's sake get bulletproof contraception in place as soon after the birth as possible.

Wildorchidz · 03/11/2019 07:21

Make sure this is the only baby you have with him.

Illberidingshotgun · 03/11/2019 07:30

He doesn't care about you, and he doesn't care about his baby. That's the bottom line, I'm sorry to be harsh.

If he cared about you both, then at the very least he would have signed on, be actively looking for work, and be doing everything around the house in the meantime. You know why he won't sign on don't you? Because befell have to evidence what he is doing to seek work, and be accountable to them.

There is no way in earth that he is going to be a good dad, if he can't be bothered to find work and prepare for the baby's arrival.

When you talk about maternity leave, child care after that etc, what have you agreed? How does he see things working?

Please don't spend a moment more of your time on someone who (despite what he may say) clearly doesn't care about you. You sound like you have a good job, a nice place to live, and you can do this without him. Let's face it, even if he stays you'll be doing it without him anyway.

7yo7yo · 03/11/2019 07:38

Amazing dad?!
Don’t be a fool. Kick him out and let him find some other mug to sponge of.

AlwaysCheddar · 03/11/2019 07:42

He’s a crap useless partner and will be equally shit in the father stakes. Don’t kid yourself and show him the door unless he steps up.

whitetoblerone · 03/11/2019 07:47

Please don't fool yourself into thinking he will be an amazing Dad, he won't be. He's selfish and ridiculously lazy and won't change!

Tobebythesea · 03/11/2019 07:57

I’m sorry but the likelihood is he won’t change and having a baby will very likely make this situation much worse as they are a lot of extra work and you’ll also still be doing everything else. The sleep deprivation and tiredness YOU (probably with him snoring loudly next to you) are about to experience is utterly draining but it will be ten times worse watching a lazy git do nothing. He needs to sign on.

I might just be pessimistic and you never know, he might step up once your baby arrives but my money is in he doesn’t. Actions speak louder than words and what are his actions currently telling you?

category12 · 03/11/2019 08:08

You're going to end up cutting short your maternity leave, him being at home with the baby, and you being afraid to leave him because he'll be primary carer. Stuck forever while he does the minimum.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2019 08:19

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Love does not conquer all here. Show him the door now before you confine yourself to a further life of misery with him. He being a deadbeat partner will merely become a deadbeat dad and you and in turn your child will continue to suffer as a result.

I would also seriously give this child your surname rather than his too.

Bananalanacake · 03/11/2019 08:27

with Christmas coming he should be looking for seasonal work in shops or bars. so while he is at home all day doing nothing he can't even do the washing cleaning and food shopping. what a fucking lazy bastard.

Nc77 · 03/11/2019 08:42

Stop doing stuff for him, but the teas for the week but no luxuries and if he asks why, can’t afford it.
Really cut back and buy own brand products I.e toilet paper.
I’d stop doing stuff around the house as well. I have a similar issue with my partner I’m on mat leave too and just because I’m at home I can pick up after him - doesn’t work like that. Leave his shit out and tell him to get it moved/washed up

Your his gf not his mum and if he wants his mum he knows where she lives. Things will be tighter than ever on maternity leave so he can go and find himself a job to ease the struggle

catsandkid · 03/11/2019 08:54

I don't usually comment on the relationship threads but felt I had to here...

OP you're far too young to settle for this life. He will not change when the baby comes - you'll all be more tired and more stressed when the baby arrives so there's even less motivation for him to get off his arse (you'll hear so many 'but I'm so tired I'll do it tomorrow' excuses). He has had your entire pregnancy to get a grip and he hasn't.... he's showing his immaturity and clearly doesn't appreciate the massive step you guys have made by choosing to have this baby. Life's about to get tough - tougher than you can probably imagine right now (my first child absolutely knocked me for six) - and honestly the last thing you need is to worry about supporting his lazy arse too.

Set it all out to him today. Get off your bum, find a job, start pitching in or get out of the house.

And I know you think he'll be an amazing dad. But you'll soon realise that being an amazing dad is so much more than simply doting or loving a child. It's being a supportive partner to you, providing financially and emotionally and essentially being mature and reliable. He is currently none of those things.

5LeafClover · 03/11/2019 09:18

I'm so sorry but you need to take stop hoping for a live based miracle and take real life action for you and your baby. If you were my daughter I would advise you to talk to him along the following lines

we can't go on like this I'm just not sure what to do anymore, I've spoke to him about it countless times and I get the same reaction every time and he clearly doesn't listen to what I say. Then say the person you need in your life would not do any of this.

If, underneath this selfish manchild act, he loves you both enough to put you first for once he will leave, change ( get a job) then come back. You cannot have the baby with things as they are. You would be financially and energy wise better off alone.

Stop struggling on. Talk to your midwife, your doctor, supportive family, friends. Advice not to put him on the birth certificate is founded by hard experience and well worth considering.

Good luck. Look after yourself and your baby.

5LeafClover · 03/11/2019 09:19

*love-based miracle

LannieDuck · 03/11/2019 12:02

What's his reason for leaving you to do all the housework while you're working FT and heavily pregnant?

RantyAnty · 03/11/2019 12:24

What is there to love about him?

For half of your relationship, he's been unemployed and not really looking. He does nothing for your or around the house.

I'd like to know what his excuse is for doing nothing while you are at work.

what happened with his family that they booted him out?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread