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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sick of sex life!

33 replies

123testing · 02/11/2019 22:35

Please help me make sense of things as I've been in my relationship for so long I don't know whether I'm overthinking this or worst case scenario just had enough.
Been with DH a long long time and right from the beginning he has had erection problems. disclaimer tmi
He has never been able to get hard enough for vp. So I help him to do this. He almost always comes too quickly. He does then try to satisfy me in other ways. I don't feel I've enjoyed sex with him. It's always an effort. He has not sought medical help for this. Only multivits as he claims it's just lack of energy and strength.
They didn't help. Sadly I think he's been coercing me into accepting this.
Saying that making me feel guilty if I don't sleep with him. Badgering me until I gave in. Accusing me of not loving him and wanting to leave; I started to act like I do by at best pleasing him and worst complying even when I didn't want to.
He was diagnosed with heart disease a few years back so he now thinks it's ok to go on as before even though I've told him he can still get help medically he refuses. I don't push too hard because I know he's embarassed.
My dilemma is that I've simply had enough. I'm deeply unhappy and don't love him sexually but care about him as my partner so don't want to hurt him. And I feel guilty about this. That I want to give up on my relationship with my DH who is ill and who I have kids with.
Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

Nc77 · 02/11/2019 22:40

Not at all. No one would blame you for leaving if you wasn’t satisfied sexually and him pressuring you to have sex is just wrong.

It’s the same as living in a sexless marriage, no one would expect you to and it’s not fair. He needs to realise this and seek medical attention if he wants to improve in that area. When I first started reading your post I immediately thought viagra would be the key but hearing he has heart conditions I’d say he needs to go to the doctors for help and advice.

Anothernick · 02/11/2019 23:10

Yes it looks like this is a medical issue, if he has heart disease then poor circulation may be preventing him from getting hard enough. Viagra might help but he should ask his GP if it's safe for him to take it.

Though you say he has always had erection problems and also PE so maybe there are other issues? You should not feel coerced into sex. But sex is the glue in a relationship, if partners are not compatible sexually then the relationship will be weaker and less likely to survive when things get rough.

You should prepare yourself for a difficult decision. If he cannot change - and given his health and past history the chances of this may be slim - you will have to decide whether you can carry on as you are or end the relationship.

Original poster

123testing · 02/11/2019 23:58

In the past when I've asked him to try viagra he's just dismissed it and says I shouldn't be trying to replicate a younger person's sex life and that we are basically passed it. Making me feel ashamed.
I'm late 30s. He's early 40s.

OP posts:

Original poster

123testing · 03/11/2019 00:06

I honestly don't think he'll change. Now he has the Heart Disease as excuse. I know this sounds very dismissive and nasty of me but this is how I feel.
I feel really resentful that he doesn't see it as a problem and that my bringing it up is a problem.

OP posts:

Interestedwoman · 03/11/2019 00:06

You're not being selfish. I've had a lot of this sort of sex, and it's a real turn off. xx

SemperIdem · 03/11/2019 00:18

You are being entirely reasonable in having had enough.

CrotchetyQuaver · 03/11/2019 00:25

Sorry but at your ages there really shouldn't be any sexual problems like you describe. He's talking rubbish. Plenty of people older than you two enjoying happy fulfilling sex lives. I think you've given it your best shot but he's not been interested in trying to change. I don't think there is anything more soul destroying than crap sex and I'm amazed you've put up with it for as long as you have. If you decide enough is enough then I don't think anyone would blame you for choosing to leave if they knew the circumstances.

LellyMcKelly · 03/11/2019 05:42

Oh honey, you’re only in your 30s, you have so much more living to do. You’re deeply unhappy, you’ve tried to fix things, and he’s being incredibly selfish by not seeing a doctor. Please leave - you don’t love him. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life like this?

StarlightLady · 03/11/2019 06:10

I am responding to this thread with a little hesitation as l can’t suggest anything that has not already been said. But l echo their comments 100%.

The issue is lack of effort on his part and we all have needs, if we are not in denial. You deserve so much more.

75Renarde · 03/11/2019 06:17

The words 'a younger persons sex life' made me snort.

What a sexually repressed little fuddy-duddy he is! I'm 44 and having the best sex of my life with a 51 year old.

My partner tells me that viagra only works if you have the desire to have sex. It occurs to ne op, that your partner just wants sex on his terms and as you rightly sense, hes grooming you to a cept this reality.

I think that the heart complaint is a bit of a macguffin? A convenient excuse.

I loathe loathe loathe men who coerce women into sex. Its terribly spiritually damaging. Put a stoo to it OP and LTB.

mclover · 03/11/2019 07:40

That's like having a broken leg and refusing to get it fixed and asking to be carried everywhere.

eternallybaffled · 03/11/2019 08:22

I'm afraid I'd end up just blurting out that sex is shit! Why should you have had to put up with this crap for so long when he's able to get his bloody rocks off on his terms. Sod that. I'd be giving an ultimatum at this point.

RegretnaGreen · 03/11/2019 08:27

I think you need to stop the narrative in your own head that you are leaving him when he is ill. You didn't make him ill and he is doing nothing, NO THING to improve things between you. It is the second part of the last sentence you need to focus on and make the new narrative.
Leave. Do it slowly and as amicably as possible but still leave. You must for your own sanity. Don't see yourself as 'lesser' and that you must just carry on without your needs being met. It's life destroying.

Original poster

123testing · 03/11/2019 09:05

Thank you everyone. It really helps to hear this because for a long time I thought I was being selfish for wanting better.
I have told peope irl and they are sympathetic but their responses are all different.Onr person said it's not as if you're going to marry again with multiple kids so just stick woth it. Another family member said as long as you get sm and try to spice things up. I tend not to talk to them too much about it because it makes me sound like I'm not trying and desperate

OP posts:

RegretnaGreen · 03/11/2019 09:19

Any advice you get from people that know you will be tinged to a greater or lesser degree) with bias. The advice you have been given sucks quite frankly.

The longer you leave it to make that first step the worse it will be as resentment builds even if you try really hard to push it back down.

Make a plan and stick to it. You can go as slowly as you want so that each stage feels easier for you both.

Chamomileteaplease · 03/11/2019 09:57

I think first of all you have to be clear in your mind that you would rather be on your own than with him. In case you don't meet anyone else.

Then sit him down and tell him very very clearly that you are not happy and that if he does not go to the doctor in the next week to talk about tests, viagra, anything, then you are going to file for divorce. Tell him that you are upset that he has shown no love or care for you with regard to this issue and that he has to start caring now. Would he rather make an effort and keep you or make no effort and live alone?

Also, I would go to the doctor with him as I would have no confidence that he would talk about the issue properly.

Viagra works wonders IMO but yes you do have to have the desire to begin with. It seems a strange one that he is pestering you for sex but can't have proper sex.

75Renarde · 03/11/2019 12:49

Read your response op.

People dont half talk some shit. Put up with indeed. Spice it up. Nonsense.

Why do people always focus the advice on YOU doing more?

RantyAnty · 03/11/2019 13:04

Has he said why he doesn't want to try to fix the issues?

Is he overweight, sedentary, drink, smoker?

Treesthemovie · 03/11/2019 13:31

He shouldn't be pestering you like this for sex, and you have made lots of requests to him to seek help for his issues which he's ignored, he seems to be dismissive generally. You'd be more than justified in leaving, not that it needs to be justified

LordNibbler · 03/11/2019 13:33

The problem here is he wants to satisfy his own needs, coercing you into sex. Whilst simultaneously ignoring your needs. He has no intention of changing the status quo here so you only have two choices. You either stay and put up with this, or you leave and find someone who is willing to give you a mutually satisfying sex life.
I'm 52 now and I can tell you that life is way too short to waste on this shit. This man does not care enough about you to change, and you don't have to stay and put up with it.

Original poster

123testing · 03/11/2019 14:28

I have thought about leaving many many times but as a poster up thread said realistically leaving will probably mean being single for a very long time or possibly forever and I think just put up.
Yes I have had this conversation loads but he won't do anything. We've even had different beds and no sex for months and it's made no difference to him. It's me that then goes back to him because I seriuosly feel I need some physical contact.
We've tried being seperate in the house and coparent, my decision, but the atmosphere in the house gets so bleak where we're hardly communicating and give each other the silent treatment. It's unbearable.
I have threatened to leave but because of other issues not this. And surprisingly he's changed for those things. This is like the elephant in the room that he just chooses to ignore.

OP posts:

LordNibbler · 03/11/2019 14:50

Isn't it better to be single than live like this? If you stay you know it won't get better and may even get worse.
However if you leave you open yourself up to all sorts of possibilities and opportunities you wouldn't have if you stayed.
Please don't stay and live this half life, you deserve more surely you know that. Do you want to wake up one morning and think wtf, my life has passed by and what am I doing here?

Macaroni46 · 03/11/2019 15:29

I put up with crap selfish sex for years and even started to believe my exH that I was frigid. Since leaving, I'm having the best sex ever. Out of this world. I honestly did not know it could be as good as it is. With a 55 year old. I'm late 40s.

Original poster

123testing · 03/11/2019 15:43

It's really nice to hear positive stories x
I guess I know the answer but I'm also scared of the consequences of my actions. The finances, the kids, the 101 questions from people, whar if he turns nasty if we divorced, but above all the lonliness of not being with anyone.
These thoughts paralyse me.

OP posts:

Anothernick · 03/11/2019 17:20

Difficult decision. I was in a similar position to you about 10 years ago - had to decide whether to stay with DW despite serious differences, though ours were not about sex, it was money and arguments about the kids. However we stayed together, and looking back on it now I think we did the right thing. Though we have always had an active sex life, and if we hadn't had that the incentive to split would have been stronger. I wonder why your DP is so resistant to doing anything about this, the idea that you are past it at 40 is nonsense, we are early 60s and still DTD at least twice a week. How old are your DC maybe you could stay until they are grown up and then go your separate ways?

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