Sick of sex life!

[123testing]

Please help me make sense of things as I've been in my relationship for so long I don't know whether I'm overthinking this or worst case scenario just had enough.
Been with DH a long long time and right from the beginning he has had erection problems. disclaimer tmi
He has never been able to get hard enough for vp. So I help him to do this. He almost always comes too quickly. He does then try to satisfy me in other ways. I don't feel I've enjoyed sex with him. It's always an effort. He has not sought medical help for this. Only multivits as he claims it's just lack of energy and strength.
They didn't help. Sadly I think he's been coercing me into accepting this.
Saying that making me feel guilty if I don't sleep with him. Badgering me until I gave in. Accusing me of not loving him and wanting to leave; I started to act like I do by at best pleasing him and worst complying even when I didn't want to.
He was diagnosed with heart disease a few years back so he now thinks it's ok to go on as before even though I've told him he can still get help medically he refuses. I don't push too hard because I know he's embarassed.
My dilemma is that I've simply had enough. I'm deeply unhappy and don't love him sexually but care about him as my partner so don't want to hurt him. And I feel guilty about this. That I want to give up on my relationship with my DH who is ill and who I have kids with.
Am I being selfish?

I think you deserve a medal for putting up with this for so long.

I'd think I'd be having an "either you go to the GP or we split" level of conversation, tbh.

Read your OP & assumed you were much older. You're in your 30s and he's grooming you to accept this. He won't even try viagra??!!
Yes do tell him this is becoming a deal breaker for you. He is being selfish and unfair.
Do not have any sex against your will.
Sorry you are going through this 💐

OP only you know where the balance is between wanting to honour your commitment to him and the necessity of honouring your right to physical intimacy as a fundamental expression of love.

Taking sex away for a moment, do you feel loved by him? Do you feel respected and cared for? Does he make an active effort to hug you, kiss you, hold you in a way that makes you feel appreciated?

I couldn't stay in the situation you are in. I would be seeking couples counselling and would need him to be seeking medical advice as a minimum. It's not about you being some sort of insatiable sex fiend - you are a human being who deserves and needs physical affection. The fact that your DH expects you to be ok with no intimacy suggests a deep lack of respect and consideration for you and your needs.

If the roles were reversed, would he stay?
Would you want your son or daughter to live in a marriage like this?

Yes, the finances, the split, the upheaval is scary - I've done it. But it's even more frightening to live without love. My fear of the divorce process was far harder than the divorce itself, and mine took 2 years, thousands of pounds of legal fees, losing friends and a lot of nastiness from ex-DH, but I would do it again with no hesitation.

No one enters or leaves a marriage lightly, but your life sounds far lonelier than mine, and I am single.

Wishing you all the best OP.

I don't feel physically loved no. He will do things around the house and after years of nagging and make me a cup of tea every night. He won't kiss or hug me and if we do he always ends uo groping me sexually so I don't bother.
We've had lots of problems in the past for years where he's been financially and emotionally abusive. I gave him an ultmatum a few times regarding this issue and he is beginning to show change.
But I've emotionally checked out of the marriage and he can sense this. All of the emotional bullying and coercion just doesn't work with me anymore hence the realisation that I can't be bothered with mediocre sex either.
I feel like I've given him so many ultimatums on other things that this will just seem pathetic and desperatly wanting out when his argument will be that I'm trying. He is trying with everything else except this.
We recently had a convo about this and he feels that dtd drains him of energy and gives him chest pains. Told him to go to doctors but just ignores me. What he implied was that we need to be doing it less for his health. My point is that the sex is quite bad even if we did it every other month.
He says you've lost weight and become healthier that's why you want to dtd more whereas you didn't bother before when he wanted it.
That simply isn't true. I didn't bother bringing up how bad it was so just put up with it or just ignored his advances. But now I'm a lot more vocal about what I want.
It's all just messing with my head.

It is true however that I've lost a lot of weight and feel and look better than before. It's also given me the confidence that I lacked before.

He doesn't sound very kind to you. It sounds like you have outgrown his own mechanisms for avoiding what is a really significant issue you both face. He must feel a lot of shame and anger about it, and it sounds like he takes it out on you, and is clutching at ways to make this your ISSUE alone ("YOU've lost weight and now YOU're a sex pest YOU crazy selfish woman"). Deep down he knows this isn't a healthy way for either of you to live, hence the ludicrous arguments about being past it at 40 and sex being a rude imposition he has to protect his weak heart from, and I wonder if he's frightened that you are realising that more and more for yourself.

It seems like the biggest strain at the moment is you vocalising your own hurt and needs. Do you want to be in a relationship where having a voice is seen as a problem?

Well done for not giving up on yourself and your body, even though he has.

Thank you waystheleaveswork x

'I have thought about leaving many many times but as a poster up thread said realistically leaving will probably mean being single for a very long time or possibly forever and I think just put up.'

This isn't what the PP said, and those around you who said that are wrong. Most people who separate/divorce with kids do find a new relationsip. 30s isn't old, you'll find someone else. IMO the PP was just saying that you would need to be prepared for whatever the future brings if you were to split with him.

Just think- none of this 'compulsory'-feeling crap sex ever again! I'm sure you'd find some that's far more pleasant.