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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

won't commit

37 replies

NinjaMam · 02/11/2019 21:47

Ive been in my current relationship 12yrs . my OH is 44 and still lives with his parents! I have my own home and a 17yo from previous relationship and 7yo with him. we do most things together, go out for meals, shopping, camping hols etc but he won't stay the night. he has once or twice on xmas eve but that's it. I think he loves me, he acts like he does, he would do anything for me, but he would never say the words or move in with us. it really bugs me after all these years and had countless conversations about it but he just changes the subject. we get on great v rarely argue but I am almost 40 now n feeling stressed I am wasting my time with him.

p.s his parents are quite needy

OP posts:
basicbitch16 · 02/11/2019 21:49

You have a 7 year old & he still lives at home?

Have you actually asked him any of your questions straight out?

user1481840227 · 02/11/2019 21:52

What? You have a 7 year old with this man but he won't stay the night with you. Once or twice on Xmas Eve even though you share a 7 year old? Was he not bothered to see his child wake up on Christmas morning the other 5 or 6 years?

Who cares if his parents are needy? Lots of parents are. That doesn't override the natural drive to go out and have your own family life on your own.

I'd be very concerned about the effect that this dynamic may have on your childs view of relationships when they are older!!

Pessismistic · 02/11/2019 21:54

Wow I was about to say maybe that’s why you don’t argue and get on great and leave things how they are but not living with his dc is weird has he ever said why? Even if his parents are needy he has responsibility of his own now how does your 7yr old feel about him not living with you and his dad? Does your 17yr old get on okay with him?

GaaaaarlicBread · 02/11/2019 21:55

This is v weird

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/11/2019 21:57

Hi op

Does he pay for his child?

SunshineAngel · 02/11/2019 21:58

You have a child together and he won't stay the night with you. What the fuck is that about? Sorry but that's seriously weird. It's so odd to want to live with your parents at that age, when you have the option to live with your partner - who you love - and your child.

You need to have a serious conversation with him about what he actually wants from you and this relationship!

Weenurse · 02/11/2019 21:58

If his parents are very needy and you are strong and capable, he may feel his parents need is greater.

morriseysquif · 02/11/2019 21:58

You are wasting your time with him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/11/2019 21:59

he would do anything for me but stay the night in the home his partner, child and step child live in.

This is one of the oddest things I’ve ever read on here. Why are you with him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2019 22:02

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Did you think that the love of a good woman like you would have him packing his bags and moving out?. No relationship should be about using your efforts to prove to a man that you love him and you’re the woman to make him change, in the hope that one day he might reciprocate. Which he will not.

I am yet to come across a man of middle age living with his mother that is able to have a healthy relationship with a girlfriend. The words "uphill struggle" spring to mind with this individual.

You are absolutely wasting your time with such a man. He is emotionally unavailable and will keep on dodging commitment. He will never readily if at all move out of the family home and will likely be there in his 50s and beyond that. He saves a fortune by living there, is comfortable where he is and is probably tight to boot. Is that what you really want from a man?.

You are his beard really and come well down the pecking order after his own needy parents. You’re also an ego fluffer that gives him a semblance of normality because some of these guys do have enough connection to become worried about how they are perceived.
You become their ‘beard’ for creating an external persona – what men like this don’t realise is that nothing can disguise the strangeness of them choosing to live with their parents at his age.

Original poster
NinjaMam · 02/11/2019 22:03

yes, many many times he just says no he won't move in, but he doesn't know why? changes the subject mostly.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2019 22:04

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here from you two?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2019 22:09

Of course he knows why. He changing the subject also is a red flag here. He does not at heart want to move in with you because he gets all his needs met in the parental home; its that comfortable to him and he is saving a fortune by doing so as well. His mother likely tells him all the time how wonderful he is. He does not want a family life in the shape of you and his son.

How do you feel about this man now?.

basicbitch16 · 02/11/2019 22:12

*Ninjamam
*
LTB. Nothing else for it. Or that should be DVHPA (Don't visit his parents' anymore)...

If he doesn't do anything, your situation is unchanged. If he decides to move in, great?

I don't really know what wise to say.

Shalom23 · 02/11/2019 22:15

This reminds me of the 'engagements' my elderly Irish uncle's had. There's nothing wrong with this scenario except that you are unhappy with it . You could try just saying in simple words that you'd like him to move in. Tell him. He's obvs emotionally simple and has a great arrangement, it may not have occured to him to do otherwise. You like him well enough to have a baby with him and tolerate this set up for years.

Original poster
NinjaMam · 02/11/2019 22:16

he's my best friend, my emotional rock, he does pay towards our son, we take care of him together, school runs etc around work commitments n such.
our son is happy we have routine, we doesn't see bad feeling between us. he comes round before and after work each day.

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 02/11/2019 22:19

Does he ever take dc home with him? You are basically a single parent with a boyfriend not partner How selfish of him does he act like a dad when he visits you?

Savingforarainyday · 02/11/2019 22:19

So, you do all the parenting? And he...
Actually I cant even continue.
Bottomine- if you're not happy, he won't change, then why stay?

Savingforarainyday · 02/11/2019 22:20
  • bottom line
OrangeTwirl · 02/11/2019 22:22

You have a 7 year old with a "man" who still lives with his mother? 😱

Are you claiming UC as a single parent OP? If so kick this pathetic user into into touch! 🤬

Ginger1982 · 02/11/2019 22:24

Did you plan your child?

Original poster
NinjaMam · 02/11/2019 22:38

he's actually a great dad, I have 2 jobs and go to college 2 evening a week. so don't get UC. no he wasn't planned.

OP posts:
OrangeTwirl · 02/11/2019 22:51

he's actually a great dad, I have 2 jobs and go to college 2 evening a week. so don't get UC. no he wasn't planned

He sounds like the salt of the earth.... Hmm

Does he provide for his dc? Does he parent him while you work or attend your college course?

Why has he chosen to live with his mum instead of his partner and ds??

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/11/2019 23:23

Do his parents know about your child ?

strongteawith2sugars · 03/11/2019 00:20

@NinjaMam
If it works for you then great, but it sounds like it's not. From what you have said I highly doubt if he will ever commit and move in.

Can I just clarify: has he ever told you he loves you? Like out loud to your face?