Is this strange?!

[mummyoftwo5]

I went to my parents for an evening meal and drinks for my sisters birthday last night. My partner stayed at home with our two girls, 7 and 2. The 2 year old does wake up however will settle for him however he kept messaging from 10pm asking when will you be back and as I was getting a lift it was around 12:30 before I could get home. He called before I left asking if I was even at my parents?! Not sure where else I would be 🤔To give some context, I haven't been out in the evening without him apart from to go to work for years. When I have been out in the past, similar has happened. It feels like he doesn't trust me? Is this strange? I thought that it might be different and I do feel slightly trapped by it all as want to see friends/family. I think if I had the kids with me then there wouldn't be an issue.

That is nasty, controlling behaviour.

Why haven’t you been out?

Not acceptable at all. Did you challenge it?

Start going out more.

Yes, strange and not at all nice.

Very strange, and not nice. He should be pleased you were going out for once, and actively encourage it.

I had an ex like this who had the audacity to keep ringing and texting me to see when I'd be home the day I went out to try on wedding dresses.

Note the ex. Abusive arsehole he turned out to be.

No it isn't strange. It's perfectly normal behaviour for controlling men to exhibit.

I haven't really challenged him yet but I will later when he's back from work. Most of the time he's fine but seems to have these times when he is so unreasonable and hot headed. I haven't been out largely due to non sleeping baby however I do have friends messaging who would like to meet up and I guess it is thinking he will be moody about it that makes me hesitant to organise. Also he doesn't have many friends and though he will go to the gym, he won't really go out in the evenings. And I work two evenings a week (I'm a nurse so shiftwork) where he does bedtime etc. He is fine if we are both out But this was the first evening without him for a long time and it concerns me that he would then make this slightly difficult for me. I think he's a pretty insecure person anyway and I have been a bit distant and prob not the most attentive but it's hard with little ones! I guess I think, is it me making him feel this way? Ah I'm just a bit lost at sea

So he's suggesting that you're lying about your whereabouts?

You need to come down hard on that immediately, really hard.

You see it as most of the time he's fine. I see it as so as long as you're compliant and don't go out alone he's fine. I see you turning down invites and isolating yourself because he won't be 'fine'. So then he's 'fine' so you think you shouldn't complain. Because he's not actually telling you you can't go out alone (like a normal human being) you don't recognise this as control. Instead he's being much much more clever by using being 'moody' to make it not worth your while. By constant texting and suggesting you're lying about who you're with to ruin your night so YOU decide it's not worth it. So it's not down to him really is it? He can claim that it's YOUR CHOICE to not go out. Nothing to do with him is it? All down to you. God he's good at this isn't he? He's got you dancing to his tune and you haven't even notice you're dancing.

It's not just insecurity. It's control. Subtle, manipulative and deliberate control. Of course he's fine most of the time; he gets what he wants most of the time! He's got you so compliant that you think YOU make HIM this way! If you mean you acting like a normal adult human being with the right to be out of your partner's sight outside work or home then yes you 'make' him this way? The only way to 'make' him fine all the time is to allow him to manipulate you into never ever going out again! Ever!

Personally I'd tell him to fuck off and go out to see my friends to complain about what an manipulative asshole my EX was!

Sorry OP that was a bit harsh of me, but I'm proper angry for you.
It was your sister's birthday ffs. First time out without him in YEARS and he bloody deliberately ruined it for you. What a dick!

It’s not you.

His behaviour is emotionally abusive.

He sounds dreadful, frankly. If one of your patients disclosed they lived in a situation like yours, what would you think?

most of the time he is fine- yes when you are behaving in the way he wants you too.

Next time you go out pop your phone on silent and do not reply to his texts/calls.

Absolutly address his controling abusive behaviour.

If he cant behave like a decent human being he can fuck right off.

To answer your question. Yes. Yes it is strange that your partner basically wanted to ruin your night with your family and then started throwing accusations at you. So now you feel like shit and if I’m right will be in a strop and today expect some comments along the lines of..well I’m glad YOU had fun while I sat here worrying/looking after kids/working myself up into a pissy fit. Stamp it out now before it gets out of hand.

Thank you all for your replies, it's really helped me to see things a bit clearer! And I can challenge him later and stand my ground! I'm off to go see my sister now with the kids and can talk to her. Will let you all know how I get on! Welcome any tips on how to approach and assert myself

Hopefully, he will be a normal person and react by apologising and say he won't do it again AND actually make the change.

But if he doesn't........Do not see this as a discussion, this is you stating your new reasonable boundaries not a negotiation. Do not enter into a debate. Do not give him a chance to twist it round to his 'insecurities' or his 'anxieties' so he can play victim. Do not allow him to make his insecurities your fault. If he has insecurities they are his issue and his to deal with - with professional help if necessary. Do not start to accept that you can somehow help him by adapting your new boundaries or loving him enough.

Have stock phrases planned and stick to them, on repeat if necessary. Be clear in what you will and will not accept in the future. Be clear what you expect going forward.

Remember that you have been 'brainwashed' into thinking you make him like this. He will do his best to stick to this agenda. Don't accept even the tiniest bit of responsibility because that will open the floodgates and you'll end up feeling it's all you.

Do not apologise, for your feelings or actions. He'll see that as an admission that it's all on you and pounce on it.

Do not allow him to persuade you that if you "really loved" him you won't want to go out alone. He may try to make you feel guilty for wanting what the rest of us regard as normal - a bit of independence. Dont let him persuade you that it's only because he loves you soooo much that makes him want you not to be anywhere without him. That is NOT normal love, that possessiveness.

Let him rant, cry, sulk or storm off. Do not change your expectations or start to negotiate if he rants. Accept he is crying because he's trying to manipulate you, not for whatever bollox reason he gives you. Do not try to get him to stop sulking by trying to get him to talk more, or by being extra nice, by begging him to speak to you or by apologising to him to get things back to 'normal'. Do not chase him if he storms off and do not text or ring begging him to come home.

Do not capitulate to get things back to normal because that normal was fucked and you don't want to go back to it! . Realise this might get worse before it gets better. Short term worse is ok!

Read up on emotional abuse and control. Arm yourself. There's a script, so be prepared to recognise it. He's not special or different. He'll come out with the same shit the rest do.

And remember there are billions of men on the planet who do not act like this. You are NOT stuck with this one. It's not a choice between him and loneliness. It's a choice between being controlled and being happy in the long term.

I really hope I'm being overly pessimistic here and it's all fine. Fingers crossed I'm an old cynic!

This is abuse. It's a crime. He won't change. When you challenge him he'll turn it around on you, kick off, sulk, threaten to leave, and/or cry and claim it's just because he loves you too much... and then carry on as before.

If you want to understand more look up the Freedom Programme.

You haven't been "standing your ground" though, have you ?

You are already modifying your behaviour for fear of rocking the boat.

@Thingsdogetbetter thank you for your advice hopefully I can sort this but if not I need to have a plan about what to do. Will give an ultimatum? It's strange isn't I work with people in abusive relationships but don't always recognise things in my own life....maybe sometimes we just stick our head in the sand as the alternative is far from ideal

It's worth researching and planning how to end the relationship and move on without this loser (because he is a loser, and men who feel entitled to own their partners do not change).
But be very, very careful that he doesn't find out you are considering getting rid. Abusive men are most likely to become dangerous when they feel their control is slipping away.

arrange a night out with your friends and tell him. don't ask. you don't need permission. just go and ignore any moods.

You are a long way off needing ultimatums.

For now you just go out once a week / once a fortnight with friends. You won't be checking your phone because that would be rude to your friends. You need the time with friends to be a happy stable person (this is true).

Just do it.

If he were to actually stop you going to work by buggering off somehow then make sure you have cover lined up just in case and act like you hadn't realised it was a punishment. Light and easy or laugh about him being such a doofus. He probably won't mess with you that way again.

Chances are you'll nip this in the bud. It'll be rough going as he goes through the growing pains but it'll probably be OK as it isn't a strongly established pattern yet. If not, you don't have to act immediately. Pop back here and see what the vipers suggest.

He called before I left asking if I was even at my parents?!

Of course you were at your parents, and of course he absolutely knew you were. That's the last place you'd claim to be if you had anything to hide. This was done purely to manipulate you, in the hope that you would go out of your way in future to prove he never has reason to doubt your whereabouts i.e. stay home like a good little wife.

You need to go out a lot more to get him used to it.