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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice

36 replies

OliveB20 · 01/11/2019 22:49

Ok I expect that I’ll get some stick here but I’m genuinely looking for some help.
I was involved with a married man for 5 years. Not proud of myself. I could tell you that I got lied to about his situation. That he’d spun a web of lies around my circle of friends for it to have happened in the first place. That in that time he’d left, gone back, left again, gone back again - repeat...
But that’s not why I’m here.
I finally got out of that situation 6 months ago. I got counselling to get through the decision to tell him to get stuffed. It was a shitty 6 months.
So 4 weeks ago I got a WhatsApp message from him asking me if I would please read an email he wanted to send me.
The email was begging me to forgive him. That he was moving out. That he hurts for hurting me and letting me go.
I was matter of fact telling him to sort his life out and that he needed to stop involving me in his life until he had completely got his shit together.
He messaged me again about 1 week later saying he was house viewing and that he would let me know how it has gone.
Since then. Nothing.
I’m sure I’ll get plenty of you got what you deserved etc. I’ll take that even if on my side of this story it wasn’t that clear cut.
My dilemma now is my counsellor has actually told me to forward the email to his wife. That the best way out of this for me is to apologise to her for being involved with him but make her aware he has tried to do it again.
If anyone has been on my side of the fence and done this - please let me know.
Or if you would want to hear this from the husbands “bit”

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 01/11/2019 22:53

I was the ow. No way would I get sucked into his drama . And now way would anyone persuade me to contact the dw.
Block and ignore.
Move on with your life.
You know you can so much better.

Interestedwoman · 01/11/2019 22:59

I'm really surprised if a counsellor has told you to do this! It sounds unusual for them to say that. Of course, whether you do or not is up to you.

He waited 6 months to get in touch with you last time, so 3 weeks is nothing- he'll be back in touch. But you definitely need him to be set up on his own for a while before you consider getting involved- if that's what you're thinking of doing.

Look after yourself please xxxxx

OliveB20 · 01/11/2019 22:59

Thank you!!!!!
I really appreciate this message.

I’m going to paste his email in here with some discrete changes to keep it anonymous - give me two seconds while I juggle technology.

OP posts:
KirstyHasLeft · 01/11/2019 23:00

Outside of the whole email/wife dilemma.. Do you really want to be with someone that had lied even at the beginning of your relationship? Obvs lied to his wife for 5 years? You had to go to counselling to get over him? Someone still messing with your head? Why?
I would not email wife. Who knows what is really gong on between them. What if she doesn't know and it would really hurt her? She would kick him out and then he'd run to you - only you don't need him, trust me. It might take you long time but one day you will see it for what it is and you will be so glad you got out. Don't talk to him anymore.
Trust me - I've been there.

OliveB20 · 01/11/2019 23:06

Ok this was what he sent.....

The reason my counsellor said I should contact his wife is mainly to do with what has gone on over the 5 years. I’ll be honest and say I was surprised he said it. Not something you’d expect. But he’s created such problems in my life that I had to get rid of him for me!

Anyhow here is his email...

Hello – I don’t know where to start with this but here goes. I have managed to lose my one in a billion, my needle in a stack of haystacks, my leaf in an Autumn storm and I wonder if I will ever find the girl will all the vowels again. The train for my birthday is hurtling into the station, whistle blowing, driver slamming the brakes on and you know what I don’t really care - big birthday or not. Concorde, some lad called Neil landed on the moon, the Stonewall night club in NY, the start of the troubles in Northern Ireland and little old me managed to scrape in and some bloke called Bryan sang about that Summer; did I tell you I once went to see him with some beautiful lady and I probably never said what an amazing evening it was or how much I enjoyed it.

We had lots of lovely times that I never told you at the time and I should have. I have finally realized that no matter how much you want things to work out they never do. Just hoping and praying but God saying “come on lad give me a hand with this one” but I didn’t listen, I am listening now. Things in life don’t just happen, you have to make them happen. So as for me thinking the river of life will take me where it will, sometimes you need to paddle.

When I wished you happy birthday I really wanted to see you but at that time, I thought things were maybe for the best and did not want us to end up back where we were and cause you any more upset. I was utterly wrong and the last few months have felt like utter despair. I should have told you then what I want to tell you now. I am not scared to move on but absolutely terrified I will drift right back to where I started, just because that is easy and that would be the end. Mind you, Xxx is nearly where he can legally decide his own future and Yyyy is almost her own person. I have made an utter mess of the last few months and years, said some stupid things, treated you terribly and for that I am very sorry; the act of contrition is a very long road. I know that sorry cannot just be a word or a single action in our case but a process that I must go through, if I can ever find your forgiveness (if nothing else). I have found myself driving about wanting to come and see you but having you think I had been kicked out and you were just some last resort – the side of a road in the rain is not a good place to be when you feel you are at rock bottom. What I want is to come and live with you, for us to have a life together (to give me a key, that I so wanted you to give me that lifetime ago) so there is no going back - only going forward with the love of my life.

That trip to Rome (to see the Pope), see the mountains of Snowdonia sparkle in your eyes (I know you want to go there), maybe a ferry to Amsterdam, see the northern lights (Kielder Observatory would be a start) – see the world with you and as Elvis said there is so much world to see. I suppose if Xxxx wanted to tag along now and then you would not mind. If you have moved on or you think there is too much water under the bridge now, then that is fine and I have to accept your decision. If the sun has set on us than I will have to live with that and where it takes me I don’t know. Hoping you get your happy ever after no matter what.

“Walked a thousand miles, seen a million smiles but none of them as beautiful as yours….”
Love you Zzzzzz. xxx

OP posts:
KirstyHasLeft · 01/11/2019 23:09

Run.

Dilkhush · 01/11/2019 23:10

There's an old saying:
A man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy.
Look after yourself.

whereareallmyhairbands · 01/11/2019 23:11

@Dilkhush that saying is brilliant!

KirstyHasLeft · 01/11/2019 23:12

Yes. Please do look after yourself.
Put yourself first and do things that would make your life better and you happier. This guy sounds like a psycho. They are hard to get disentangled from but you must.

pog100 · 01/11/2019 23:13

Oh for fucks sake, what a load of fucking rubbish. If you are interested in him after reading that load of shit, more fool you is all I can say.

Dilkhush · 01/11/2019 23:14

Blimey.
He's swallowed the Blarney Stone.
Run!

OliveB20 · 01/11/2019 23:14

Thank you KirstyHasLeft.... I wish I could write down EVERYTHING that occurred in this time. His wife knew about me. He moved out. Moved back in. And still his wife knew he’d not “let me go”. This is the problem. I can move on. I oddly have. Don’t even want him back. But I’m genuinely shitting myself that there will be a knock on the door.

That he turns up unannounced and creates havoc in my world. I've blocked him on all social media but he still has sent emails.

OP posts:
Dilkhush · 01/11/2019 23:16

@whereareallmyhairbands
Yes, it's a good one.
Also relevant here is a saying from AA:
Watch the feet, not the mouth.
Because anyone can talk romantic BS.

OliveB20 · 01/11/2019 23:18

I don’t see romantic words here. I’m actually concerned he’s going to knock on the door.
( he did actually once walk down my parents street because he wanted to see what I was up to)

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 01/11/2019 23:18

That email is seriously cringe. I'd run for the hills

annienone · 01/11/2019 23:22

If you've moved on and don't want him back then why you dwelling over the email? Delete the email, blacklist his email address and talk it out with your therapist. I wouldn't involve the wife as it'll just drag out the situation.

Pinkbonbon · 01/11/2019 23:24

Seriously shocked your councilor advised to to tell his ex. How unprofessional.

You're vest entirely out if this shitshow. Block him from contacting you again. And change councilor too.

KirstyHasLeft · 01/11/2019 23:25

@OliveB20 they both are messed up.. Don't let him mess you up too.
I totally get about him knocking on your door - when I left my ex, I was shitting myself for a very long time that he will turn up and I will give in. He had so much power over me.
Anyway, I quickly found a rebound relationship, (not great I know, but worked for us both at the time) and that kept him away and helped me a great deal to not give in.

FlashesOfRage · 01/11/2019 23:26

His email is just laugh out loud hilariously cringe. His head is soooooooooo far up his own arse he can see his tonsils.

Whatever he’s interested in, it isn’t really you. It’s all about him.

Send him a clear communication saying;
I am not interested.
Do not contact me again.
Do not try to see me in person.

OliveB20 · 01/11/2019 23:28

Annienone that’s a fair point.

He's blocked on everything except my work email ( unfortunately no blocking so I’ve routed his mails to deleted folder).

I’ve blocked his phone number. I’d not 6 months the ago as I’d just deleted everything from him pretty confident that was the last. So his contacting me through WhatsApp gave me his number to block.

All routes to me are closed except him knocking on the door. And I ain’t moving.

OP posts:
MamaMumMama · 01/11/2019 23:28

@OliveB20 good on you for ending things and walking away. Block his email and phone number, change yours if you have to but don't let this man back into your life. Maybe he does want to end things with his wife but then he needs to be on his own. If he did it to her he would do it to you, it would be naive to believe otherwise. Don't contact his wife. I'd say she already knows and if he's been in and out of her life she doesn't need anymore stress. His poor kids too. Just move on like you have been, don't look back x

Elieza · 01/11/2019 23:33

He’s a patter merchant. In this case I think he is hoping you would fall into his arms for a romantic shag before he returned to his wife who was probably on her dabs this week or staying with her mother and he was lonely. Boo hoo poor little diddums.

He’s right about him being an arse though.

Wait until he’s split up from his wife for a year and if you still want him and don’t mind him having a mistress (leopards and spots) then go for it.

But I wouldn’t trust him further than I could throw him and you can do better quite frankly.

I hope you find someone who wants only you and that you feel the same about wanting only them.

suggestionsplease1 · 01/11/2019 23:35

if you're genuinely over him why are you shitting yourself if he knocks on your door? just tell him to go away again. he spun webs of lies to you, your friends, and his wife -that is terribly unattractive.

It sounds like you are still under his spell and your therapist's recommendation that you forward the email to his wife is about breaking that spell and recognising that you are both victims of his manipulative behaviour and it's time for both of you to fight back.

egontoste · 01/11/2019 23:39

In just the first paragraph he uses the words 'I' 'me' and 'my' no less than 14 times. He uses the word 'you' twice.

LFLM1 · 01/11/2019 23:40

He sounds like a manipulator. I can only imagine what he said to his wife each time he missed her and wanted to go back home.....because he will have filled her head with bullshit too.