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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really REALLY struggling here :-(

33 replies

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 01/11/2019 20:26

In 2017, everything was fine. I was married to my husband and had two sons. It was a particularly fulfilling or happy marriage but it was .... ok. I was settled. In Jan 2018 he confessed that he had cheated on me, fathering a child. He wanted to stay but we separated and divorced by October 2018. He didn't move the house until April 2019.

Six months after we separated I met someone new through work. He was 8 years younger than me but it didn't seem to matter. We got on brilliantly, he was great with my children and life seemed good again. We didn't live together but he spent a lot of time with us. Until .... we had an argument about an ex partner of his in June 2019. I admit I over-reacted but things weren't the same since this argument. He became very distant from me, stopped being affectionate and no longer spoke about a future together. Ten days ago we split up and he's now moved all his things back to his dad's house.

I feel gutted, totally lost and back to square one again. The reality is I just don't enjoy being a single mum. I find it boring and tedious and enjoyed being part of a couple of again. Everything is easier with two adults. The evenings are dark, and seem very bleak again. I don't see what future I have as a single mum. It feels like there's nothing to look forward to.

What if he was my one chance of happiness and I blew it? How will I meet someone again? I met him by chance through work. I have my free weekends when my sons go to their dads, but I don't have friends I can go out with.

I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other at the minute, let alone giving my two children the care and attention they need, which leaves me feeling so guilty. I can't eat, sleep, concentrate at work and I feel like a complete loser.

The rational side of me says that there is a chance this can all be ok again, and I see some women absolutely thriving as a single mother, but it just doesn't seem like that will be my future. Please ... I need some support.

OP posts:
fuzzymoon · 01/11/2019 20:58

I'm so sorry you feel so low.
At the moment you feel like you're facing a mountain because you are grieving the loss of your relationship and someone you loved.
Please give yourself time.
Perhaps you should consider going to your GP as you also sound depressed.
This is not how you're going to be and feel forever but at the moment you can't see further than how life is now.
Do you have family or friends you can talk to about how you feel.

AudTheDeepMinded · 01/11/2019 21:00

I hope some more experienced posters will be along in a minute. I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry that you are struggling and having a rough time. It's really early days after your break-up and thinking about meeting someone else is a bit premature. Concentrate on healing and looking after yourself. Maybe try and build some support networks, can you join an activity the weekends that you have to yourself and get to know some people?
Parenting is hard, really hard and a lot of people apparently thriving in public are probably not 100% happy all the time so don't fall into the trap of thinking everyone else is finding it a doddle. At the moment try and concentrate on looking after yourself and don't waste energy catastrophising about the future.

Startingoveragain1 · 01/11/2019 21:40

Hey... ive been there and i think im about to be there again. I can only speak for my last time as i got through it (i will get through whatever is happening to me now too although im scared af). I split from my kids dad years ago. After having struggled with mh issues my whole life i fell into the worst depression and mad anxiety. Ibqa sthebonly bread winner so couldnt afford not to work and the cunt ended up kicking me and the kids out. It was absolute survival mayhem, Doctors, meds and counselling, and time lots of time. I didnt think i was worthy of happiness, i had noone, no friends or family around just work and my 2 young children. So lonely its unreal. I craved attention in very unhealthy ways. Somehow after a while i started feeling better about it...i started enjoying my life again even if i was alone with my kids, i was fine and happy with it. I think u found someone too soon after your separation and so you didnt allow the full healing time it takes to feel good in ur own skin. You will definitely get there and find happiness within it too. I know its easy to say and daunting to do or belive its possible , i met someone else after a while, had the perfect family i ever dreamt of, got engaged was truly happy and it looks like thats all coming to an end after a few years. Im literally heartbroken, dont know whats ahead, if he leaves im back to square one, no family no friends nearby...im scared to the bone and feel i cant do it and ill be unhappy forever. (But now i know... i may feel like that now and i probably will for a while, i feel like i cant do it again, theres no point no purpose, but how it changed last time it will change again) and it will most definitely happen to u too. U hang in there. Give urself time. These feelings will not last forever. Go gp, get some help. Ull look back on this and think: damm! I had some balls! (Ovaries fuck it!)

Startingoveragain1 · 01/11/2019 21:41

I think i just wrote the longest post in history 😅

bigspoonlittlespoon · 01/11/2019 22:06

What if he was my one chance of happiness and I blew it?

OP no one gets just 'one chance at happiness'. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Life is full of chances and possibilities. There are so many people in the world. This guy wasn't right for you right now. Don't sweat it. There are thousands of others out there. Literally.

In time, you can date again. But for the moment focus on being happy on your own. I'm a single parent and I bloody love it. My evenings are mine, I can do what I want, watch what I want, eat what I want. Nobody is getting in my space. I can go out with who I want. I can bring my kids up how I want. Don't rely on someone else for your happiness. Enjoy your children. Things will get better.

Interestedwoman · 01/11/2019 22:11

You sound depressed. Please see your GP and do what they prescribe- if it doeesn't help, go back so they can try something else. Feel better soon xxxxx

Firefliess · 02/11/2019 08:33

I spent 6 years as a (mostly) single parent and had various short term relationships before finding my now DH. It can be really crap sometimes trying to juggle being single and being a parent Flowers

But the thing to do is to make the life you have a good one. Find some social things to do when your kids are with their dad (I joined a walking group, and find another single mum friend to go out to gigs with), and try to get your head round being a happy little family of three. You might meet Mr Right tomorrow, but it might take a few years, and if it does, you don't want to look back and feel you wasted those years of your sons' childhoods and your own life. Book a holiday or fun activity for the three of you.

You might not be ready for dating just yet but having a look online at profiles on a dating site might help you feel more positive that there are plenty nice men out there.

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 05/11/2019 11:07

Thank you so much for your responses ladies. It really does mean the world to me knowing that someone will listen. I really appreciate it.

So I'm now 4 days on, and feeling about 5% more positive, hurrah. I got myself into a terrible state the other night, very 'woe is me' and wondering what I'd done to deserve what has happened but I guess the trick is just realising that life works in strange ways sometimes. I was on the brink of calling the Samaritans but I decided they were best left available for people with bigger problems than mine.

My boss said to me that maybe he (the exboyfriend) was just what I needed to get me out of the dark period following my separation and divorce, but was never meant to be long term. I guess that's one way to think of it and I have tried to take comfort in that. Also bigspoonlittlespoon, you saying that we don't just get once chance at happiness and that there are lots of chances and possibilities has really stuck with me these last few days and I'm trying my hardest to believe that too.

This is so so hard, especially as he just seems to be carrying on with his life as normal, posting funny memes on facebook and laughing with his friends. It feels like such a smack in the face. I don't think he's given much thought to how much he's turned my life upside down and that's so upsetting. He told me that since we had our argument in June that he's been trying to get things back to where we originally were but that he loves me less than he did before. That was like a knife in the heart. I feel like he's wasted my time, knowing he doesn't really want to be with me and that's been difficult to come to terms with.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/11/2019 11:56

@TheresGotToBeMoreToLife - feeling 5% more positive is much better than feeling 5% worse. Small steps... you will get there.

Could you reconnect with some girlfriends or other local single mums to help you feel a bit less lonely?

Also, with the greatest will in the world, if you're still checking his social media posts you're just torturing yourself. Give yourself a break and block him on everything, even if only temporarily. Yes, it's horrible but you've got to rip the plaster off, not keep poking at the wound.

Best wishes and hope things continue to improve for you. Flowers

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 05/11/2019 12:00

All my friends are married or in long term relationships. I don't have even one single friend. Maybe I need to join a gym just to get myself out there.. I've just resorted to going to bed really early to silence the silence...

I've remained friends with him on facebook, but unfollowed him so his posts don't pop up on my feed, I just don't have the strength yet to defriend him completely.

Thank you GreenFingers x

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/11/2019 12:03

The reality is I just don't enjoy being a single mum. I find it boring and tedious and enjoyed being part of a couple of again
This is your problem OP.
You are putting too much emphasis on being 'a couple' with someone.
You don't need that right now.
You need to focus on you and your DC.
You rushed headlong, too quickly into another relationship.
Please take your time.
Do some work on yourself.
Have a total break from being 'a couple' and just be YOU. Find out who you are. Find out what you like to do. What hobbies you enjoy. What friends are the best ones to spend quality time with.

Spend time with your family.
Live your best life. Not the life of a 'couple' . YOUR best life!

BumbleBeee69 · 05/11/2019 12:05

How are you kids coping with seeing your distress OP, I agree with the suggestions you see a GP. Flowers

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/11/2019 12:10

Worrying about not being in a couple can make you make choices that aren't always the best. Take this time to learn to love who you are when you are with your kids or on your own.

And 5% better in four days? By the end of this month you will be 30% better again. Time is the best healer. i agree with PPs who say you need to get out - don't worry about not having single friends to do things with, do things on your own! Find out what YOU enjoy, gym, swimming, painting, writing, anything creative. If your lifestyle supports it and you want one, get a pet.

You will be fine, but you need to find you again.

MzHz · 05/11/2019 12:23

oh @TheresGotToBeMoreToLife, have a massive hug!!!

your boss is pretty much on the money in my opinion.

My own relationship history has shown me that when we come out of a significant relationship, the hurt and trauma of this means that we are not in the right space to find Mr Right, but we can find a Mr Alright. If Mr Right rocked up, we'd not be ready for HIM! So He'd not find his Ms Right, because we need to do some healing/work/growth to become the person we are supposed to be.

I firmly believe that everyone that comes to our life teaches us something, but it's a lesson to be learned, and when that lesson has been learned we need to let go, so that we can be ready for the next lesson.

I believe that you displaced all your grief over the death of your marriage by starting this relationship, you never allowed yourself the time/space to grieve the end of your marriage.

now that this Mr Alright has gone, you're feeling the full force of the loss of him AND the marriage.

Someone mentioned upthread that you could be depressed and to go the the dr to get a prescription. I don't necessarily agree with this. (and that's speaking as someone who almost died with depression 20 odd years ago)

What has happened to you is sad, very sad, you have had a couple of major blows to your self esteem and stability. You're supposed to feel sad in these circumstances, so feel sad! cry, rail at the injustice of it all, then deep breath and try to work out what you can do to make your life better as it is. Gym is a good shout, the endorphins will help lift your mood, go swimming if you can - the water blocks all the sound out and you can let the water hold you and it's very freeing.

There have been times where I was destroyed by loss of relationships, abuse and neglect, then a brush with a few odd balls and one person who was very odd in the end but utterly stole my heart at the time. When I lost him I thought that was the end.

Reader.... if you could see through the screen now, you'd be shocked at what my life was and what it is today. I may be in my 50s, but I am loved and cared for and in a beautiful place in every imaginable way.

Never ever give up on yourself! have faith love and be the best version of you that you can be, it's a work in progress, but it's worth the effort. Then you will learn that you are a person who is a good enough human being and anyone who has you in their lives is lucky.... then my love, you are ready to be loved.

I never believed the Love Yourself First thing, but let me tell you, it's the best thing you got. Don't fight life, embrace it and it'll be ok.

MzHz · 05/11/2019 12:24

I also think you need to go NC with the ex too.... defriend and move on. Best foot forward and all that.

there is a lot of fake it till you make it, but it does get easier

Ariela · 05/11/2019 12:33

Are your kids staying with ex regularly in the week? Can you take yourself off to evening class or an activity for you to enjoy/make new friends on the nights he has them?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/11/2019 12:39

All my friends are married or in long term relationships

You can still spend time with them/invite them over for a girlie evening?

I don't think you should lock yourself away while you're grieving for the relationship. Could you invite them over this weekend?

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 05/11/2019 13:23

I also think you need to go NC with the ex too.... defriend and move on. Best foot forward and all that.

I know you're probably right with this. Unfortunately we work together too. He's off at the minute but back on Friday. I'm dreading him being back here. I feel like I don't even have work to escape to to keep him out of my mind.

You can still spend time with them/invite them over for a girlie evening?

I should do this. In truth I have lots of 'sort-of' friends. We're ok but not massively close. But the trouble is the loss of my boyfriend is making me feel the emptiness in my life even more, partly because I don't feel I have friends to fall back on.

Are your kids staying with ex regularly in the week? Can you take yourself off to evening class or an activity for you to enjoy/make new friends on the nights he has them?

They stay at their dad's on a Wednesday. I'm going to see what I can do in terms of joining a class or a cheap gym. Thank you

Reader.... if you could see through the screen now, you'd be shocked at what my life was and what it is today. I may be in my 50s, but I am loved and cared for and in a beautiful place in every imaginable way.

Find out what YOU enjoy, gym, swimming, painting, writing, anything creative. If your lifestyle supports it and you want one, get a pet.

I have Wednesdays nights free and every other weekend so I guess I need to start filling my time. This does mean that one week I'm home 6 nights per week. The silence can be deafening.

Never ever give up on yourself! have faith love and be the best version of you that you can be, it's a work in progress, but it's worth the effort. Then you will learn that you are a person who is a good enough human being and anyone who has you in their lives is lucky.... then my love, you are ready to be loved. I never believed the Love Yourself First thing, but let me tell you, it's the best thing you got. Don't fight life, embrace it and it'll be ok

I really needed this - thank you x

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 05/11/2019 13:29

What if he was my one chance of happiness and I blew it?

You were with him for 6 months am I right? You're holding on to him too much, Is it him personally you're missing or just the company? How old are your sons? You don't have to go out with single friends to meet people. Join Tinder, go to an evening class when your sons are at their dads, join a gym and go on Saturdays, sign up for some classes locally. This is your time now, until you learn to be happy alone you can't expect someone else to be responsible for your happiness.

MzHz · 05/11/2019 15:16

Swimming is ADDICTIVE! and cheap to do! I swim a LOT, with a squad now, but 4 years ago couldn't put my face in the water, find out what you've stopped yourself doing and get it going!

Your chance of happiness is never blown, not until the last breath leaves your body!

One of my dearest friends went to see Tina the Musical and she (lot younger than me) didn't particularly know Tina's story and was shocked to know that Tina was 40 before she became known as an artist in her own right - and she had an almighty hard life with Ike.

You have had a rough time, its only right and expected that you will be sad, but it's not who you are, it's not who you are supposed to be... so now you have the space be your own best friend, hug yourself, love yourself, be kind and caring of yourself and the rest will follow!

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 05/11/2019 15:30

You were with him for 6 months am I right?

No, just over a year but regardless you're right. I can't work out if its HIM I'm missing or the company which I guess says a lot. Partly, because we worked together we would go out with people from work every once in a while which I really enjoyed as my husband and I didn't really share mutual friends. I guess I'm feeling like I've lost that part of my social life too now.

You have had a rough time, its only right and expected that you will be sad, but it's not who you are, it's not who you are supposed to be... so now you have the space be your own best friend, hug yourself, love yourself, be kind and caring of yourself and the rest will follow!

Thank you. You have no idea how much this kind of thing uplifts me

OP posts:
TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 05/11/2019 16:20

I've written a list of reasons we weren't good together. I've come up with 35 so far ....

OP posts:
BeckyButters · 05/11/2019 16:30

There you go! Now write a list of positive things.

You do sound depressed and it's nothing to feel bad about. He just might have been a crutch you were using to get over the split from your DCs dad. You are going to need additional help to continue to heal.

Talking with people in similar positions does help, and whilst your current friends are all coupled up there maybe future friends out there who aren't. Try and think where you might find them.

MzHz · 05/11/2019 17:58

Oh I'm glad it helps you :D

We have ALL been there love, this sadness won't last, you can change it.

35 reasons that you DON'T work.... Mate, this guy has honestly done you a favour! You know now what you WON'T accept in future!

You have learnt from this, the next relationship will better for you.

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 06/11/2019 14:12

My boss took me out for lunch today and we spoke about things. It was good to chat things through. I'm heading to a friends tonight for a pizza as my sons are at their dads house so am keeping myself busy.

Thanks again ladies. I don't know if I'm just having a good day, but with all your support I feel like I can see the tiniest speck of light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts: