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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really REALLY struggling here :-(

33 replies

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 01/11/2019 20:26

In 2017, everything was fine. I was married to my husband and had two sons. It was a particularly fulfilling or happy marriage but it was .... ok. I was settled. In Jan 2018 he confessed that he had cheated on me, fathering a child. He wanted to stay but we separated and divorced by October 2018. He didn't move the house until April 2019.

Six months after we separated I met someone new through work. He was 8 years younger than me but it didn't seem to matter. We got on brilliantly, he was great with my children and life seemed good again. We didn't live together but he spent a lot of time with us. Until .... we had an argument about an ex partner of his in June 2019. I admit I over-reacted but things weren't the same since this argument. He became very distant from me, stopped being affectionate and no longer spoke about a future together. Ten days ago we split up and he's now moved all his things back to his dad's house.

I feel gutted, totally lost and back to square one again. The reality is I just don't enjoy being a single mum. I find it boring and tedious and enjoyed being part of a couple of again. Everything is easier with two adults. The evenings are dark, and seem very bleak again. I don't see what future I have as a single mum. It feels like there's nothing to look forward to.

What if he was my one chance of happiness and I blew it? How will I meet someone again? I met him by chance through work. I have my free weekends when my sons go to their dads, but I don't have friends I can go out with.

I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other at the minute, let alone giving my two children the care and attention they need, which leaves me feeling so guilty. I can't eat, sleep, concentrate at work and I feel like a complete loser.

The rational side of me says that there is a chance this can all be ok again, and I see some women absolutely thriving as a single mother, but it just doesn't seem like that will be my future. Please ... I need some support.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 06/11/2019 14:45

I'm just over 50 too OP.
It's taken me this long to realise I am so much happier without a man in it.
It's now all about ME ME ME!!!!
I understand the loneliness and in honesty - I got a puppy.
(although my 21 YO DD and her DP live with me, they don't really spend any time with me)
She keeps me sane and very happy.
I get out and walk almost every day.
I have a hobby I love and am really good at.
I have friends.
I have family.
I really don't know how I would fit a bloke into all that as well.
I'm pretty much booked every weekend now until new year!
You can do this.
It does take time to get comfortable and happy in your own company. But once you do, it's liberating!

funnylittlefloozie · 06/11/2019 14:49

I think your boss is right, and maybe there will start to be more good days than bad days and the light at the end of the tunnel will get bigger...and you'll agree that she was right.

Pizza and friends sounds like EXACTLY the way to make things better still. Will there be wine?

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 06/11/2019 15:29

Will there be wine?
Hell I hope so!

I'm just over 50 too OP.
Sorry I'm not 50. I'm 34. I didn't put that part in bold above but it was a quite from another poster rather than me saying I'm 50.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 06/11/2019 15:42

Aha - that makes more sense then!
Enjoy your evening.
I shall be having Wine tonight as well!

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 06/11/2019 15:54

At the moment you're really unhappy but that's absolutely normal. You need to be proactive about doing things. Its rubbish when your friends are coupled up but I bet loads are looking for an excuse to get out. Start just asking people you know to go to a pub quiz or something like that.
Join a club- you don't like it, join another one. Join the gym - anything to be out and about. Whoever said swimming is on the money. I was absolutely at my lowest 18 months ago and started swimming. I do it nearly every day now. Its the best thing ever and I've met people at the gym. I'm 50 and I go to the cinema on my own, gigs on my own, theatre on my own. If no one else wants to go, I go anyway. Its fun.

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 06/11/2019 16:27

I'm 50 and I go to the cinema on my own, gigs on my own, theatre on my own. If no one else wants to go, I go anyway. Its fun.

Woman you are brave!

OP posts:
TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 07/11/2019 12:58

Yesterday was an ok day. I coped during work and went round to my friends for the evening, returning home at 11pm.

Just as I was falling asleep, my phone pinged and it was him messaging me and my boss to say he would be returning to work a day later than planned as he was still feeling unwell following his op. I work in HR which is why he sent it to me, but I don't understand why he can't just skip me out of the loop and let my boss know.

This is maybe the third or fourth time he has been in contact about something work related in the last few weeks since we split (once to ask about delaying his date of return, once to send a sick note, once to confirm his meal choices for the works christmas do and finally last night to say he'd be back a day later). There are two of us in HR, no need to contact me directly, so it bothers me that he does when he doesn't need to.

Then at work today his manager told my boss that he had been looking for other jobs and that now we were no longer together he could start to look further afield for something. I've got to admit that did take back aback a little. Sometimes the feeling of 'Oh ok this is definitely final' just hits me.' It still hurts.

OP posts:
QueSera · 07/11/2019 13:32

Hey please don't be so hard on yourself OP!!
You're currently in a state of grief, grieving over this breakup. Don't worry - no matter how intense, painful, debilitating and all-consuming it feels now, IT IS TEMPORARY.
Play sad songs, mope, cry, etc. Show your children love but don't beat yourself up if all you can manage is the bare minimum on the other stuff - easy meals, let them watch tv, it's ok because it's temporary.
This was not the right guy - that's ok. There will be others, or if not, that's ok, you can make a happy fulfilling life without a bloke.
As for your weekends alone, try joining groups - Meetup has great weekend hiking groups, for example. Take up a new hobby, keep trying different groups until you find ones you like. Get a new haircut, join an inexpensive gym, cook new foods, learn a language, learn an instrument, read books, go to the cinema etc.
Give yourself time now to grieve OP - heartbreak is so, so painful. You'll be fine soon.x

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