Is he even trying or is this about him being out of pocket?

[Andtherestishistory]

ExP and I broke up at the beginning of this year and we share a 14 month old. Since DD and I left we relocated around 40 miles away to be close to my support network as I moved to my exp when I was 35 weeks pregnant, up till that point we had a long distance relationship due to work commitments and I travelled up every weekend. Since we broke up he has been persistent in trying to get us back together, truthfully a lot of talk i.e. saying he loves us and doesn't want DD growing up a) in a single household and b) in the town we are currently living in. And that he has changed and that he thought we were getting along better. However every now and then I see the old him popping up!

Since we separated he has barely contributed child maintenance, paying way below what he legally should be (over 50% lower) and I have now gone to cms but he isn't yet aware although I have said I would. He has said the reason he isn't giving more is because it costs him £100 per trip to see dd.

I just get the feeling the reason he wants both DD and I back is because it would benefit him financially. When I we were discussing whether or not we should try again he said apart from wanting us back 'home' he is thinking of the financial practicalities as being a weekend dad isn't suiting him.

Did you break up because of him being coercive and controlling?

What do you all think?

For the record we broke up because he was lazy and selfish. Tried couples therapy but he just made out like it was me.

@unfathomablefathoms, I'm not too sure what I do know is I always felt like I needed his permission to do things even when it came to DD I would ask him if I should do x even though I knew exactly what I needed to do.

Trust your gut. The “old him” isn’t actually the old him, it’s just him. He’s still the same person he always was. People generally dont change personalities.

This is what I thought @iwork, and also because of the lack of support for DD. As much as he says he misses her when he is around her it just seems like he wants to snap at her.

He has said the reason he isn't giving more is because it costs him £100 per trip to see dd

so he's actually taking money from your child!....it isn't costing him^ is it, it's costing your child the food on his plate, the clothes on his back, and the warmth in his room - plus 101 other things that money goes towards.
I know that of course you won't see your child go without these things....but he would, wouldn't he!

For the record we broke up because he was lazy and selfish
^ Yep, selfish and mean I'd say!

Being a weekend dad isn't suiting him?

Well boo bloody hoo, he should've thought about that before, shouldn't he!

OP, you left for a reason - or many reasons. Your gut instinct told you it was the right thing to do. Don't rush into making any decisions re returning to him
. Take your time - months, even years, and with a bit of luck you'll then wake up one morning and realise you had the best escape ever!

sorry OP - should've said food on HER plate, clothes on HER back etc.

Does he drive? If so there's no way it's costing him £100 per trip.

£100 for 40 miles? Is he hiring a private jet?

Does he stay with you or somewhere else overnight? I was going to say it might be a good idea for him to come up for a weekend and you leave him to it some of the time. I mean, you're not afraid he'd do anything cruel are you? She is only fourteen months, bless her. You could be around some of the time but at your convenience.

If he's relaxed he might not snap. Why not give it a go.

Sounds like you were right to part but it would be worth trying to be on good terms for your daughter's sake.

I hope you have a good life now you're on your own.

Good luck whatever happens.

I read on another thread here that CMS will actually let him recoup some of his travel costs from the CM he should pay. He obv needs to prove the cost, and I don't think it's the entire amount but you should probably check that out.

Petrol wise even at the worse estimations of use and price it should be more than £20 to travel 80 miles.

So lazy and selfish

Is he really worth the huge risk that getting back together would be for you?

@OdddSocks everything I have goes on DD to ensure she is fed and clothed and just happy. Even while I was with my ex pretty much all that DD got was brought by me, but she is my little girl whatever she needs.

@Bluerussian I have tried this but he is always pushing for us to spend time together as a "family". So I'm not keen on having him staying in my home. I did suggest him giving her a bath and putting her to bed but even that I can hear him sigh at, don't get me wrong do I think he loves DD yes but hed prefer me to look after her while he looks on.

And yes he does drive, it's probably around £20 - £30 for the round trip, bearing in mind sometimes he doesn't come every weekend.

clean break OP is needed here

@AngelsSins, in all honesty if I went back id be risking everything, no family support there only from his side who have had little involvement, no job, no friends. Literally id be going back only for him, even with DD should things not work id be risking her happiness and she is so happy. Her daddy a lot of the time would much rather watch TV then interact with her.

Reading that I need a slap for even considering it.

OP, You are far from being a fool. You know what works for you and your daughter and you know this guy is a useless knob. Use the system to support you and your child until you can support yourselves.

Sorry 40 miles doesn't cost £100, if he doesn't drive he should get a bike,

Reading that I need a slap for even considering it

Not at all, he’s selling you a dream of all being together, a happy family, of course you want to give your daughter that. But has you shown you anything that he’s changed past just saying it? Words are cheap, so you just can’t take such a huge risk based on them.

It doesn’t sound like he’s changed, he can’t even be bothered to look after his daughter properly. You would be going back to the same situation you’ve already escaped. You’ve already won, don’t cheat yourself out of that, don’t hand your freedom and happiness over to him to destroy.

That's exactly it id love to give DD a happy family and to a the point where I'd sacrifice my own happiness I order to give her that. But ultimately she'd be unhappy too.

@Bluerussian I have tried this but he is always pushing for us to spend time together as a "family"

^Would you being together as a 'family' mean that all housework, cooking, cleaning, childcare etc be shared 50-50?

Or more likely, would it mean that if you go back, he gets a housekeeper and nanny (you), so that he can continue watching tv 24/7, doing his own thing without doing it himself.

You have proven yourself to be a strong woman by leaving in the first place. Listen to your head, not those heart strings he may be playing.

Don't risk what you have now. As he wants you back he should be making an absolutely massive effort to show you how much he loves, needs, wants you. But he isn't is he?. He's sitting on the sofa whinging how much it allegedly costs to come visit you......whilst he carries on watching the TV!

However every now and then I see the old him popping up ....print this out and put it on the fridge or something , and read it every day - several times - until it's going round in your head like an earworm!

Yeah, I agree - to him, "doing things as a family" means that you do most of the actual work, and he has another adult there to make it bearable.

Don't go back to him, op. You know he has no interest in changing.

It wouldn't be good for your DD to see her DM in a bad relationship.

Sorry but his attitude stinks. If he really cared about his child and wanted to do the best by her, he'd visit without complaint (particularly if it's his fault he's no longer with the child's mother) and pay what he needs to, so she can have everything that she needs. My car does 400 miles on a tank that costs me £50, so 40 miles would be £5. So where the hell he's got £200 from I have no idea.

Don't get back with him, please. I know you say you want a family for your daughter, but it's not a good enough reason. You need to be happy, or there's no point. Take it from someone who's parents tried the same!

You never know.. I know it won't be on your mind now, but one day you might meet someone amazing, who treats both you and your DD how you deserve, and THAT becomes your family. DNA is only ever half of the story.

£100 sorry, typo.