Is he even trying or is this about him being out of pocket?

[Andtherestishistory]

ExP and I broke up at the beginning of this year and we share a 14 month old. Since DD and I left we relocated around 40 miles away to be close to my support network as I moved to my exp when I was 35 weeks pregnant, up till that point we had a long distance relationship due to work commitments and I travelled up every weekend. Since we broke up he has been persistent in trying to get us back together, truthfully a lot of talk i.e. saying he loves us and doesn't want DD growing up a) in a single household and b) in the town we are currently living in. And that he has changed and that he thought we were getting along better. However every now and then I see the old him popping up!

Since we separated he has barely contributed child maintenance, paying way below what he legally should be (over 50% lower) and I have now gone to cms but he isn't yet aware although I have said I would. He has said the reason he isn't giving more is because it costs him £100 per trip to see dd.

I just get the feeling the reason he wants both DD and I back is because it would benefit him financially. When I we were discussing whether or not we should try again he said apart from wanting us back 'home' he is thinking of the financial practicalities as being a weekend dad isn't suiting him.

@OdddSocks most likely will end up being me going the housework again, he talks about getting a cleaner (yet he can't afford to come see our child) and also sending DD to nursery so I have time to look after myself and to keep on top of the flat.. this was one of those him showing himself moments.

@SunshineAngel I have always said if I was apart from DD I would be up at the crack of dawn to see her, id call her even if she didn't understand just to see her beautiful face. He doesn't, most the time he'll arrive late, says he doesn't possess the skills needed to be here at 9 in the morning. As for the cost of him coming here I guess it could also be his driving style as he does put his foot on the gas but still it isnt £100. Think that makes me laugh is he "short" on money but then confesses to getting take aways, buying a new pair of trainers, going out for lunch at work. Which you know fine it's his money but don't say you can't afford to pay the correct maintenance yet buy the rest of this crap. He literally has underpaid by £350 every month and it seems has taken off £100 per trip made.

Oh god, you've escaped from him - why would you go back? He is spoilt, selfish and lazy. You're making a good life for yourself away from him - stay away now.

Is he really saying it costs him £100 for an 80 mile round trip?

He is absolutely taking the piss OP. Definitely don't go back to him! This does not have the makings of the happy family you have in mind.

CMS are never going to give him 100 quid off per trip, he will need to prove what he is spending and he is massively, massively overreaching here.

@HollowTalk, yes he is. The more I think about it the more I think he has more debt then he lets on. And also that his love for money and himself is greater than the love for his little girl.

Yet here I am just about able to keep the flat warm and give DD all she needs while in desperate need of a new pair of jeans, but we do what we must so our babies are looked after.

As for the cost of him coming here I guess it could also be his driving style as he does put his foot on the gas but still it isnt £100. Think that makes me laugh is he "short" on money but then confesses to getting take aways, buying a new pair of trainers, going out for lunch at work

^ You've answered any doubts you may have had here OP. He is one mean, shallow, selfish user, who is only promising you all that he thinks he wants you to hear, just to get you back where he believes you belong..... as his skivvy.

Stay where you are. Live a fabulous life. Show your DD how to live a fabulous life. - a kind, compassionate, generous and thoughtful one - all qualities that come across from your words OP.

And also that his love for money and himself is greater than the love for his little girl .....There is nothing more that anyone can say to that, my lovely.

You know what you need to do. Stay strong .

@OdddSocks I think it's because I genuinely fear that he'll end up not bothering to see dd and I don't want her growing up thinking why does daddy not love me.

But you are right about where he believes we belong, he is always saying this isn't dds home and was so cross when I registered her with a gp here.

You cannot control what he does though and what type of Dad he will be. if he walks away that is his loss. And she will recover from that easier than if you get back together and he is a useless Dad making her mym depressed

DD needs a parent (you) to show her love and affection and that she needs to value herself more than a man. That you can control. make sure her needs are met through you in a stable environment near her extended family. Where you are happy and away from him.

Jeez I commute 40 miles a day

You just need to bin him off totally and only talk to him if it's regarding your daughter. She'll work out what's what when she's older. I had a father who wasn't interested, sporadic contact whenever his latest partner encouraged it and no maintenance paid. My mum never said a bad word about him but I worked it out very early on what his priorities were

@OdddSocks thank you for your kind words, I know I can do this just need to keep reminding myself.

He has come back with DD after taking her out and her car seat wasn't securely put in, AGAIN, so much anxiety over this every bloody time. And I've realised now that £100 includes the things he is doing with DD

Go via the cms to get your child maintenance

Stop accommodating him. Set out structures times and days he can see his dd, if he doesn't turn up, then that's his problem. How much it costs him to see her, is also his problem.

Your dd won't suffer as a result of not seeing a shit Dad. She will suffer if he has a car accident and her seat isn't fastened in properly. Plenty of kids grow up to be happy and healthy individuals with one parent

@WhoKnewBeefStew already gone to cms so shit will hit the fan soon. As for a structure I do need to get this sorted but when I have approached the subject the ex won't discuss. I guess I should just say these are the days and times you can see her if you disagree let me know and we can discuss, if from there he doesn't want to then that's up to him.

Yes, TELL HIM the dates and times, tell him if he doesn't turn up then you'll take your dc out and he'll have to wait until the next date. If he doesn't like that, then tell him to take it to court. Keep all text messages and emails, plus keep a diary of what happens each pick up times etc

And I've realised now that £100 includes the things he is doing with DD

Blimey what is he doing, taking her to Alton Towers with a stop at Harrods on the way back? He's really taking the piss, it's up to him if he chooses to spend so much when he sees her, not that I can imagine how he can possibly get to that amount anyway.

It sounds like you have come to your decision OP that there is no way back? It really does sound like the best thing, and to put it all on an official footing re CMS, visits etc.