Messed up situation with married guy

[Puffins32]

A year ago I met a man who was recently separated. We formed a friendship which involved daily messaging, talking for hours, meeting for coffee once in a while. We were very close. Three months in and he kissed me. I fell hard and fast and he perused me hard.
He started to do the whole hot and cold thing and it felt like he would lead me on until i would bite and then pull back again.
Anyway...he got back with his wife and said things are still rocky and he values my friendship. I started to see other people.
He still messaged me especially at night and I started to feel uncomfortable about this as it felt like emotional affair territory.

I decided to have a frank conversation with him and said I was struggling with friendship as I had feelings, that I feel a bit used and felt he was only available when he was alone or bored. I said he was in denial about our situation but he assured me he just saw me as a friend but he is very attracted to me.
It has been a year of close friendship and a lot has happened. I do have feelings for him but I see this bad side to him and i constantly wonder what I am to him.
I asked him how he would feel if I got into a relationship and settled with someone and he said he would be happy if I was...I’m so confused because when he was seeing me his feelings were so strong....I feel so devalued and used as an ego boost.
I know I need to cut ties and I have lots of times only to go back to being friends a while later.
I feel sad because we do have a close friendship and I’ve even met his kids and last time we kissed was seven months ago, he said he wanted a relationship with me back then...now he’s back with his wife and I’m struggling with the whole dynamic here.

I also work with this guy so I do see him at work but I have been cutting him short and not replying to messages etc after our chat.

My head is in a spin. Please kick me up the arse.

You wonder "what you are" to him ?

You really want us to spell it out ?

Kick

I think you should block all contact outside work. And start looking for a new job too.

Well if you were married and your husband were doing this to you with another woman, would you be okay with it, or would you think he was an absolute cunt?

Agree with @pinkbonbon, he’s using you, block him and look for a new job.

You’re an ego boost to him. He doesn’t want to be with you. Stop giving him attention and move on.

God I know. I’ve been an idiot. I thought we could be friends after the bond we formed. I supported him through a death in the family too, we were really close but obviously since he got back with his wife we can’t have a friendship can we.
I know that If I send him a message he won’t reply until night time either, he says he fell asleep but it’s obvious he’s waiting until his wife goes to bed. He hasn’t told her about me and our friendship and he genuinely thinks he’s doing nothing wrong.

I need to move on for my own self respect. I miss him though, it’s crazy. I’m being treated like a piece of shit and I miss him.

it’s crazy. I’m being treated like a piece of shit and I miss him.

You really can’t be as naive as you’ve act. The truth is the dynamic needed your active participation. If being the ‘victim’ is the role you’ve chosen then you are more than likely to make the same mistake again.

Yes, I’m an active participant, I agreed to friendship. I’m not a victim....but I guess I was naive to think it could possibly work and be legit. I thought I could move on from brief romance and keep that bond moving forward...I didn’t expect to feel used, disrespected and cheap. I hate myself for it honestly. It’s highlighted my low self esteem, and I’m ashamed he sees me the way he does.
I stupidly thought he cared about me and valued having me in his life. I totally understand that he wants his family for lots of reasons. He says his wife doesn’t love him and wants him to leave eventually but financially she can’t cope on their own and it’s better for the kids to stay together.
I need to move forwards.

Hi,

I sympathise but you know what the answer is here. Block him absolutely everywhere and don't let him in. Do you have to work with him directly? If so, look for another job asap.

All habits are hard to kick, especially bad habits. Think of him like cigarettes. The only way to kick the habit is to cut it out entirely.

I doubt he ever left his wife.

Yes, he's using you for an ego boost. Cut him out of your life and don't look back.

Perhaps part of you is subconsciously addicted to the chase of him wanting you.

He's taking you for a ride. I've been there and done it and know exactly how you're feeling.

You'll look back one day and laugh. At how ridiculous the situation was, how you believed him, how you never thought you could walk away but have, and how much of an absolute bellend he really is!

I don’t usually work with him directly but sometimes I do on occasion so don’t want a big awkward fall out. It’s trying to find the balance of moving on and being distant but staying polite and breezy. I’ve tried the ignoring thing with him and blanked him before but the atmosphere became really awkward and tense.
I think If I’m totally honest here is that I want him to want me. I want him to feel the hurt that I’ve been through with this, i want him to care and worry about losing me but I know there’s no truth in that. He doesn’t want me and he doesn’t care and he’s not going to.

He saw you and your chronic low self esteem a mile off, move forward by working on it.

I didn't want to resend not post.

I have been In your position (not by choice I must add) had a great connection with a guy. Was meant to be fun, developed into more. He would make plans for the future, tell me he wanted to give me more but couldn't. It became clear his position (future wife) and by then I had fallen for him.

I knew I had to walk, I was hurt when he let me walk away. I realised to him I was just filling a void in his life. When he was bored, that he would say anything to keep me sweet. He was making plans to marry this woman but telling me he was just busy or no actual reason. Sometimes I'd not hear from him for days. Other times he was full on. (Hence my concern and finding out the truth)

During the hurt, all I wanted was for him to want me, like I wanted him. Anyway after the hurt left, everything become clear. He hadn't gave me a second thought during or after.

Keep this is mind, he finds it so easy to lie to his wife. He's cheating on her (or has). You won't be the first nor the last. He thrives on it and knows what lies to tell, to get himself out of trouble.

I really do hope you feel better soon. But try not to wallow on the good feelings and keep thinking of how shit his behaviour actually is.

Say this to yourself:

I felt we had this wonderful bond that could have progressed into something legit...
...he did not feel that bond.

He didn’t op. He wanted a bit of fun, a vacation from his marriage. He played you and doesn’t deserve you pining after him like this.

Let us kick you up the arse...then you kick him up the arse and out of your life.

Good luck.

@lifegoes yes, your totally right...and I think it’s knowing when I walk away he’s not going to bother. I’ve done it before for two months and not once did he make any effort to have me back in his life. You described it perfectly...filling a void. When he is alone he picks me up, when she’s around I’m left dangling on the end of the string....which verifies that our friendship isn’t legit at all.

I hear you. I told him two weeks ago, no more. I see him 3 times a week, he has blushed every time we initially meet.
Bright and breezy is killing me, but I am more than wank material. I am. It's my new mantra.

Stay strong

You can't be friends with someone if your feelings towards them are romantic. That fact is a 100% block on friendship.

Think of it this way - say you really liked someone and wanted to be friends with them, but they absolutely hated you, you would find it easy to accept that you could never be friends because one of you was on a different plain.

Romantic feelings are the same thing. It is just disguised more cleverly because your feelings are positive, you think you can dial them down to a friends level and it would be ok. You can't. It's exactly the same as asking someone who hates you to pretend they like you so can be friends.

You need to give up all contact with this man and get a new job.

You do not have a friendship. He is not your friend.

It's so hard @Puffins32 because we cling to the good feelings and even try to convince ourselves that we meant something. Then we feel rejected, so we want to reach out (anger, remorse anything) but that's only because we want to fill our own void, we want to feel wanted (and that's natural)

But just remember this, he doesn't deserve you (or his wife tbh) he's a liar. Will be miss you?! Yes but not you as a person he'll miss the ego boost you gave him. And honestly he'll find that elsewhere or when he's bored he'll come back to try and get it again but on the same terms.

The best thing you can do, is stand your ground. Remember who you are and your worth and don't be the fallback girl or the void filler.

He’s doing a great job at keeping you as an ego boost. He’s feeding you all the right lies and keeping you interested when it’s just a game to him.

This User has never had authentic bond with you...romantic or friendship. Back when you were ‘with’ him, he ran hot and cold, repeatedly chasing you and then pulling back. It was an ego-boosting game, just as it is now.

Look how he is still manipulating you. He says that he is your friend and that he is very attracted to you. He gives you false hope by claiming that his wife doesn’t love him and wants him to leave eventually. He tells you that keeping you as his special secret isn’t wrong.

OP, you need to stop doing the Pick Me Dance. Find your dignity, detach from this loser, and cease being his ego supply. He does not respect you or his wife, and is using both of you.

You were just there whilst he wasn’t living at
Home. He still had you hanging in case it don’t work. Why would you allow him to think your be his second choice. Find another job, change your number. How can you even like him as a person for going back and still messaging you how disrespectful is that to his wife.

If a man wants to be with you, he will be with you. This man wants to have his cake and eat it. Don’t enable that. He will hurt you more and more.

I’ve been there. Never again.

This is exactly how affairs start. Stay away.